up in the air.

we don't know what we are doing. 

this is the one thing we are confident of. 

both of our jobs have been bought and are under new ownership. yes, at the same time. 

school funding hasn't gone as planned. 

we don't know where we are living

or what we are doing.

ask me if wedding planning is going well....

but there is a strange confidence that i feel undeserving of. 

logic dictates that i should be fearful and worried

but i'm not. 

we are in this strange place where we could pick up and leave it all

or grab on to what we have and make it work. 

it's exhilarating. 

when so much is up in the air

you can't help but feel like you're flying.

so 

we're donning galoshes and waiting for the storm that will surely come in the next few months,

but for now

we're just enjoying a little rain. 

photo by carolina lindsay.

xo.

full of air and made of paper.

photo taken at the utah state fair 2 years ago.

certainty is a funny thing.

it's interesting to see how it is found to be both a comfort
and a disturbance.

here are some sample statements:
i am certain i will graduate high school.
i am certain i will not get cancer.
i am certain i will have children.
i am certain i will make it on time.

so on and so forth.

we speak with certainty all the time.
"when we have children, we are going to raise them to be christian."
"when you grow up and get married, you are going to see what it's like."
"when i'm in college, i'm going to party like it's 1999."
"god hates sinners."
"i will never have a cavity."
"i will always love you."

the assumptions we utter are so exciting.
the prospect of things makes us feel over the moon.

and then life happens
and we find ourselves in a struggle.

a struggle against cancer,
against infertility.
a struggle to find our soul mate.
a struggle to find out the truth, though we find ourselves in an uncompromisable state.
a struggle to help our austistic child through the public education system.
a struggle to support a spouse who has 6 months to live.
a struggle with an opposing opinion
or hardheadedness.
a struggle to live.

being on the internet last night,
social media specifically,
was a stirring experience.

it was a friend's child's 21st birthday. the one she had out of wedlock when she was a teenager.
a neighbor announced her young husband is going to die of cancer.
a friend announced an engagement.
people were spouting off their political opinions.
a friend's younger brother passed away.
a former student got into her dream school in new york city.
a friend was damning another for their civil rights involvement.

and all at once it was all floating in front of me:
the human experience,
the inescapability of death,
the uncertainty of,
well,
everything.

all at once
i felt as though my bones were hollow glass
that were surrounded by my tissue paper body,
which was about to cave in.

why, yes!
the certainty of which i live my life is comforting.
it makes me feel as though i know what's around each corner.

what a starry-eyed way of living, eh?

how very disturbing certainty can be.
it suggests an immovable path our lives are to take,
an immovable path to our salvation.

but...
oh, the fragility of life!

how fragile my loved ones are!
how fragile my financial situation!
how fragile my safety!
how fragile my bones!

i seek certainty to compensate for this fragility.
we all do.
feelings of certainty combat the grey area we find ourselves lost in.
certainty
or faith that things will work out.

seeing the brittleness of life on others,
made me feel an overwhelming guilt.
i could not sleep soundly while my fellow people are breaking to bits.

i couldn't rest knowing that at any moment
life can flip a switch
and change.

life doesn't cycle around and around like an amusement park ride.
sometimes it only circles once.
sometimes it breaks and a fireman asks you to climb down a really long ladder.
sometimes you feel like it might never end.
sometimes it doesn't even start.

so
all the more reason to eat cotton candy
and wear cowboy boots to the fair.

that frailty that life carries
it is humbling.
oh
so
humbling.

i guess what i'm saying is:


you have to know that your entire life could break at a moment's notice
and you might lose it all.

you must know that.


and all the while
sleep soundly.

live life the way you know best.
like...

it's okay to talk about death in one breath
and cheezbrgr cats in the next.
it's okay to fret about lipstick
or about exams
even when there are worse things.

you just gotta kiss the love of your life on the forehead more often.
you gotta help people.
you gotta be okay with grey area.
you gotta know that when you get a dog it's gonna to die.
you gotta know that you could get very, very sick
or that your child might have something terribly wrong with them.

and you gotta put on red lipstick
and take selfies
and make people uncomfortable with your PDA
and make plans even though they might never come to fruition.
you gotta party like it's 1999
and you gotta keep your chin up.

you simply must hold things close to you while you can
and it's okay to say you have a shred of certainty
even when you don't

because you don't.
no one does.

the only thing we know
is there is love
and it's here
and it's real
very real
and it's here to save us
and change our lives.

it's here even when our hearts break
and our legs fail.
it's there when we lose it all.
always.

i might lose my sweet dog tonight
or my precious family
or the love of my life.

i don't know.
but DAMN it
i'm gonna love hard.

and i'm gonna watch cat videos on the internet with them
and i'm probably going to laugh until one of us can't breathe
and then we might cry for our neighbors
or we might quarrel or disagree over political things.
we might sit silently
and not even whisper that we love each other
even though we know we could lose it all in a fire or something.

and it's okay
because love is strong
and i am holding on to them
with all the strength i have
even when life is so frail.

xo.

to see things a little differently.

i decided that you have to be a little mad

in order to fully experience the spectrum of life. 

but it's sort of like...

maybe you don't have to be mad

but just let yourself be free and wild and rebellious enough

so that people might say:

"that one. that one has gone unglued."

because you have to unstitch yourself,

at least just a little bit,

to let anything else in. 

things that have come unhinged, unstitched, unglued,

those things often end up in bins and piles

ready to be tossed,

ready to be shipped off to the loony bin.

too easily misunderstood.

but those things that appear wrinkled 

or torn

or worn

or split

are often the ones who have ridden the spectrum in its entirety.

fragmented does not mean defective.

you know?

just, like,

be foolish enough to have it all.

even if you end up in a couple bins from time to time.

it's just better that way.

xo.

a tender hearted girl.

i don't like talking about myself in this way... but i think what i'm feeling right now needs to be documented.

my psychology professor brought his wife to class today. 

she is a cancer survivor and just an all around sweetheart. 

she gave us a little speech about how everyone is a survivor of something,

how pain is good for us,

how rocks aren't polished unless they get bits of them knocked off. 

it really got to me.

after class,

everyone rushed up to tell her how amazing she was

and to thank her for inspiring them.

as usual, i slipped into wallflower mode: 

i avoided the rush 

and decided to look at the pictures on the wall of the past student body officers from 1960 to now.

i approached her after the crowd had dulled 

still with tears in my eyes,

feeling pretty embarrassed about them streaming down my cheek.

i apologized for letting my emotions get the best of me

and told her how touched i was by her words.

she looked at me with intense sincerity and said,

"i noticed you earlier in the class, sitting silently and observing everyone and everything.

you are going to do good things with your life.

i don't know how i know this, but i just do. 

i feel it.

because you are a tender hearted girl

and the world needs more of those."

she then hugged me
and told me that i should always be proud of that because it is who i am.

i cannot fully comprehend the impact this has had on me,
because i am still in the processing stage,
but those words have changed me.

i'm tender hearted...

i'm not overly sensitive.
i'm not creepy or a "stalker" for appreciating things with a great magnitude.
i'm not a psycho, crazy, emotional woman.


i understand i only spoke with this woman for three minutes,
but it has shed a new light on who i am.


i am a tender-hearted girl
who is capable of so much love
and who is also capable of feeling so much hurt.
my tender heart
makes me love deeply
and hurt deeply.

the world wants me to believe that being tender hearted is a bad thing
and i for so long have believed it.

i am sensitive
and i am emotional
and i do express myself a lot
and i do put my heart outside of my own body so that others might experience it
but that also makes me easier to wound.

i will need to be protected and shielded in my lifetime
and the pain i've experienced in the last month will not be the worst i will face

and i don't care anymore
because i now know that the world needs me as a tender hearted girl.

Tender Hearts Club now recruiting members.

xo.

on the fragility of life.

i thought about opening this with a few different stories that we've all heard before like...
the time a father and daughter got in a fight right before one of them lost their life in a car accident
or the time someone found out they had cancer and three days later they passed away,

but we've all heard those before, right?

one major theme of my current struggles is fragility.
because life is very fragile,
the human body is so fragile,
and our minds are so very fragile.

and after having a lot of things taken away from me like some relationships, my own health, my good grades, my car, money, some clothes and shoes, my good report with people, my reputation with some, etc...

i suddenly have found myself a different person entirely.

honestly,
the cliche statement
"everything you have today could be gone tomorrow"
is the truth.

and i started feeling just... anger, i suppose, for all the times i have taken everything for granted.

i mean...
my closet is still amazing.
my hips and my legs and my feet are functional
and i can still dance.
my family is together. and loves each other.
i am still in love with adam reid and that is a blessing.
i have a rockin laptop and a great camera.
i have amazing friends.
my puppy is still cute and here and loyal.
i have plans to reconnect with three old friends this week.
i have so many service opportunities presented to me.
i am literate.
i am healthy.
i am strong.

and at any moment in my life,
any of those things can be ripped from me.

i don't want to say that i live with morbidity,
but things just.... well, they DIE! all the time!

and i look at people who don't have the choice to leave,
like my grandmother with her alzheimer's who is slowly leaving us every day...

and then i look at people like my love's father who made the choice to leave his beautiful family,
or even people who live under the same roof who don't share loving exchanges,
or friends who slowly slip away from each other

and i want to SHAKE these people!

why would you make that choice when there are so many other people who don't even have that choice but are forced into it?
why would you let hatred or fear creep in and take hold of you?

i can promise you,
that assuming anything...
assuming that time will take care of forgiveness,
assuming that space will make your love grow fonder,
assuming that you will have the chance to make amends,
assuming that your home will still be standing when you pull up...

that is never wise.
i don't care if that is comfortable.
i don't care if you think that is what is best for you at that time.
it's foolish.

you work to gain appreciation.
it is work.
and it is the best and most prolific work you will ever do.

if you have a hard time forgiving? work harder.
if you have a hard time staying happy? work harder.
if you have a hard time maintaining old friendships? work harder.

you just have to work harder and stop making excuses.
you have to realize what you have, what you need, and what you want
and work for it.

because bones break and tires pop and your family will die. they will.

and there are messages everywhere telling you to be grateful already!
there are those who have been on the other side...
where one day they up and lost everything
and they beg people to appreciate what they have,
to say i love yous and thank yous and how are yous
because that may be your last chance.

they beg people to hold on to things,
to cast out fear
and just live
and love

and we ignore them!

assumptions, i think, show a lack of appreciation for possibility.
assumptions are a foolish confidence in a status quo and its endurance.

so honestly?
live life with a little morbidity if it makes you appreciate the fragility of the things we cherish.
have those little "death, dying, ripped from me like a bandaid" thoughts when you're hugging people and writing letters and driving your car and eating and traveling and shopping and working out and whenever.
and cherish... absolutely cherish those moments.

don't channel it into fear. channel it into i-better-get-my-act-together-and-appreciate-what-i-have.

because life works like waves... and sometimes it's nice and you can wade around
and sometimes it's a fatal tsunami.

and there is no telling.

life is fragile.
handle with care.
that is all.

now,
i'm off to spend some time with my family and away from this computer screen.

xo.

mumford&sons.

attn: major mumford&sons geeking out ahead.

ok. so i can finally talk about this now that the dust has settled.
i couldn't even listen to them for days after going to the concert.
i didn't want to revisit the experience because it was just so...
personal.

i mean,
you think mumford&sons is amazing
and then you see them...

and you're like...
mumford&sons is the equivalent of the most beautiful sunrise you have ever seen.

it's like they are on stage just letting you share in an experience instead of performing.
i think mumford&sons music is the definition of being alive.

i don't really care how ridiculous this sounds,
but i just had some real revelations watching those beautiful people up on that stage,
with the sun setting on the salt lake just to the right of us
and the stars shining above
being with some of my favorite people in the world.
it's like the veil was lifted for a few hours
and perspective and light and love shone on all of us.
everyone... i mean everyone... felt it. (we asked)

don't get me started on the fact that they played 'after the storm' as an encore
and stated that they "hadn't played this one in a while"
but they were going to for salt lake city. (!!!)
i will share one day why this song is so special to me and my family
but for now...

i can't pick a favorite,
so i just picked one song.
this video is the closest i have found to what this song was like at the concert:
marcus's passion,
the audience participation,
ted's just pure JOY to be there.

that's what it is...
everyone involved was experiencing a pure JOY and LOVE.

now just imagine marcus yelling even louder,
ben's keyboarding and head-banging even more aggressive,
ted's smile while he plays the bass even brighter,
and the audience just jumping and yelling and crying because they just can't help it.

it's like i never want to go to any other concerts again in my lifetime.
this was THE ONE.

xo.

changeschangeschanges

i was looking at this picture of me with long blonde hair,
wearing a shirt i have since grown to dislike and give away,
wearing glasses i no longer own
in a place that i can barely remember...
taken just 8.5 months ago.

the word changed sort of freaks me out on the inside.

probably because
it reminds me of beginning modern dance classes
where you are doing shape exercises
and each time the teacher claps her hands and yells, "CHANGE!" rather loudly
you make a different shape with your body.
the shape needs to be entirely different than the one you were holding before.

it can be quite challenging.

now when i hear the word,
i picture a thin, health-nut of a woman clapping & yelling right next to my head.
word association at its finest.

yet i love change,
but in the form of evolution.
that word itself is particularly exciting.

i evolve a lot.
i'm fairly positive every one does
in some way.

i just feel that i'm a rather unpredictable human being with too many directions to go in...
but i like it.
i like evolving.
i frequently apologize for my inconsistencies,
for my need to invest in everything i see,
for the many shades of my personality
and for the frequency in which i change my mind.

i really like seeing everything i can
like a spy.

it's good, right?
spies are adaptable.
or at least that is what i'm going to tell myself.

eustress. i like that concept.

change is scary.
and good.
and necessary.
even if it causes discomfort.
oh well.

i'm still gonna change a lot.
as long as i am living, i will be evolving.
nice.

xo.

you have exactly one life.

in light of some recent (sad, yet spectacular) news,
and in light of my doodling this in my journal last week,
and light of my watching this amazing video last night...

i am forever done with wasting time.

sometimes things aren't going to make sense,
especially to other people.
sometimes you just aren't going to have plans.
sometimes your plans are going to change.

but BY GOLLY... your life is going to be amazing.

so if you want to own a bull mastiff and live in a cottage in the woods,
or if you want to learn to play guitar and perform in a night club,
or if you want to master yoga (again, see amazing video above),
or you want to live in new york city with your new husband,
or you want to learn to dance,
or you want to be blonde,
or you want to backpack in europe...

make. it happen. 

if you want to do something in your life,
do it.
no excuses.
make it happen.

get that job you always wanted.
postpone school to spend time in europe.
finish school faster if you love where you are going.
wear that sequin dress for no reason.
dye your hair blue.
send snail mail.
learn to sing.
move to australia if you so choose!

in your life,
you will do
everything you will ever do.

so next week i'm going to ride a jet-ski.
i'm going to spend some time in the mountains,
and i'm going to look at schools outside of the state.
i'm going to talk to old friends
and i'm going to wear my diamond necklace for a casual occasion.

i don't think i will get tired of this thought:
you have exactly ONE LIFE in which to do everything you will ever do.
now is the time to do it.

it's amazing to think that even skills you learned as a child
are going to stay with you.
i want to be ninety years old,
and know how to sing, dance, play the accordion, use an SLR, reprogram a computer, fix a car, speak another language, solve a 5x5 rubik's cube, hold a handstand for 2 minutes, and have six children who are superstars.

you have one body. master it.
you have one mind. nurture it.
learn everything.
do everything.
be everything.

my. oh. my... life is beautiful.

xo.

through the eyes of an iphone

birthday week is ending
and, honestly, it rocked.

amazing food.
pretty cakes.
instant photos and vinyl.
new treasures.
spontaneous trips to movies, to bakeries, and to the city.
swimming day {right before it snowed!}.
new anthro dresses.
birthday flowers on the table. and in my hair. and in the kitchen. and the garden. not to mention petals going down the stairs...

most of all,
my favorite people surrounded me at all times, even when i slept {sister sleepovers every day!}.
it was heaven.

to say i'm blessed would be an understatement.

weeks like these get me thinking:
i know birthdays aren't about gifts.
i know that there is more to our souls than just this life.
i know our lives, the world that we know, will end.
i know every gift and thing or item or piece of the physical world will not follow me into forever.
i know i will regret the abundance of birthday cake i've eaten this week,
but i have so much to live for. so much in this LIFE that keeps me loving this world...
and the best thing about it?
i know that when all of these physical things go back to the earth, or into a landfill,
forgotten forever
as though they never even belonged to a twenty-something girl in 2012
and my body...
the lips i apply lipstick on
and the shoulders my straps rest upon
and the hair i braid on a daily basis...
when all of my molecules disintegrate and die,
i can take moments like these...
all the pretty, tragic, loving and mad moments
and feel the warmth of love that life brings me.
love is what keeps us alive.
and though this life isn't what it's all about....
good gracious am i grateful for it.

with strings and keys

as i mentioned earlier, my fella and i were able to attend the symphony!
one of my favorite things about adam is his love for classical music.
actually,
perhaps love is too weak a word for it.
the boy connects with it in such a magnificent way.
it was really one of the first things i fell in love with in him.

towards the beginning of Us,
we'd talk on the phone nearly all night.
i say nearly
because one of us would usually fall asleep.
if i was the one to do so,
and i usually was,
adam would stay on the phone.
i knew this because i could hear the faint sound of a symphony playing in the background as i'd periodically wake to shift positions and drift back to sleep.
without fail,
each time i'd fall asleep
he'd turn his little radio on and listen.
i think this really affected my dreams,
because during this time i had very peaceful and heavenly ones. 

after a while,
when we added little daily email correspondences to our LDR communication standards,
he'd send me little youtube clips of pieces he loved
with little notes like "makes walking to work more epic" and "reminds me of the soft way your curls fall down your back".

i was never really into classical music, per se.
of course, i enjoyed it
but not the way this man did.
this man understood the phrases and harmonies in such a wonderful way.

he told me
that when he was younger
and his mother would go to the grocery store,
he used to ask to stay behind in the car
and turn on the radio to this music
and watch people out the car window
going about their days.
there were songs that made everyone look tragic,
made everyone more attractive,
made the world look bleaker
and made the world look more beautiful.

adam once tried explaining his feelings surrounding it to me.
he said that classical music is not meant to be listened to simply for leisure...
it's almost created to be an accompaniment to life
and all its wonders and hardships and beauty.
the melodies are like listening to human emotions.

adam started sending me clips & challenges to complete while listening to them.

this one would accompany a walk around an airport or train station.

{which had me picturing everything in slow motion and gave strange meaning to the mundane}

this one was to be played on a rainy day.

{which sparked many mental metaphors for umbrellas as they might apply to a grander scheme}

this one while combing/braiding my hair, finishing it with a ribbon, & then applying lipstick. 

{which made me feel quite beautiful, actually}

this one i was to listen to on my way to work as the sun was rising.

{which really filled me with peace and tranquility first thing in the morning}

this one while sitting on a bench watching strangers pass by. 

{which made everyone look rather peculiar and mysterious}

this one was one to be listened to while remaining perfectly still.

{which, naturally, had me in tears within the first ninety seconds... the imagery it evokes!}

i found my world shifting into something much more amazing than the one i lived in before.
my skin seemed softer.
my strides seemed more delicate.
strangers had a greater purpose
and simple and daily occurrences, such as a light breeze, took on a new meaning.
i found myself feeling incredibly grounded and centered.

it manages to pick the whole of you up into its enveloping arms and carry you for 5, 10, 20 minutes and then gently place you back into your life,
branding you & leaving...
yet not abandoning you forever.

we moved from the recognizable to the obscure,
from simpler situations to more complex.
it became a huge part of our exchanges,
of our entire relationship.

part of the reason we enjoyed the movie liberal arts so much
is because they practically took the words out of adam's mouth about classical music.
the two main characters in the film would send classical mixtapes to each other
with similar challenges.
it. was. uncanny.

the symphony the other night moved adam to tears several times,
and i finally, fully understood why:
the passion of the composer, the conductor, the pianists, the cellists...
raw emotion can be created with strings and keys,
and this music demands to be felt... not just heard.

i'd highly recommend we all take The Adam Challenge often:
put on a little tchaikovsy while we ride the waves of normalcy in our lives
and watch the world turn into something beautiful.

do you have any favorite pieces?

apathy & how i learned to breathe again

this week has completely changed my entire life 

forever. 

it's a story to be shared.

here we go.

this?
this picture was taken on saturday.
this is a picture of the kindest stranger i have ever met.
a man who made a simple choice
and caused the complete conversion into the person i am right now.

on friday,
i mentioned to my sisters
that the week had changed my life,
but not for the better.

this week brought a lot of sadness, anguish, heartache.
this week brought me a lot of trials.

in this world,
you will encounter lots of flakiness, lots of broken promises, lots of laziness and sarcasm.
you will encounter people who insist that they are just "blunt" and "speak their mind"
which is said to disguise their bad manners.
in this world,
we will all encounter people who refuse to put down their cell phones or the tv remote,
who would much rather attend a movie than attend a charity event,
who will choose to lose patience with a waiter or server,
who won't hesitate to type coarse comments on the internet,
who will slowly lose themselves to apathy.

apathy.
that is what it comes down to.

apathy causes us to refuse to listen, to refuse to get up and move, to refuse action.
apathy caused all of those people to pass that jewish man laying on the side of the road.

apathy has destroyed relationships, friendships, jobs, health, families.

apathy is a dangerous infection that seeps in one inaction at a time and weighs you down, eventually pulling you down into the couch, pulling you into yourself, into your own world.

of all of the signs of the second coming,
of the apocalypse,
what have you...

apathy will be the demise of humankind.

i was ready to quit my job,
start looking for other places to live,
to pick up and drift from place to place.

saturday morning,
i woke up like every other...
went to go and teach dance,
get ready for a party that evening,
all the while feeling a little less whole.

the disappointment of how others' apathy had affected me so heavily that i, myself, had started to succumb.

i was really looking forward to a party that we had been planning for weeks,
and that was getting me through.

i had prepared some killer cookies,
made some lovely decorations,
hand-knit a scarf to give,
planned my outfit.
the whole shebang.

all day long, my phone had not been working.
if it had,
i would have got the memo that it had been cancelled.
if my phone had been working,
i wouldn't have been in the car halfway to farmington when i found this out.

if i hadn't been driving up to farmington,
my car wouldn't have run out of gas on the highway.

there i was,
driving to toward this light at the end of the tunnel,
when my car slowed to a stop.

i made a few calls, just trying to get someone to come up and help me out.

i waited
with no response.

after a few minutes
a white car pulled up in front of me.

i thought,
"oh, no.
i'm going to get a ticket from this undercover police officer.
great."

out steps a completely ordinary man.
he walks over to me and says,
"is everything okay?"

i explain the situation and mention that i had made a few calls and was just waiting to hear back.
his name is rick.
he asks if i have a gas can.
i don't.

he says,
"what can i do for you?"

i insist that everything is okay and that i'm sure someone will call back.

he says,
"do you need a ride somewhere? i've got my wife and daughter in the car. if you're not comfortable with that, i can go find some help for you."

at this point, i don't know what to say.
he promptly says, "i will ride up to the next gas station and see what we can do."
we exchange phone numbers,
and he was off.

about five minutes later,
rick calls me.

he says,
"they have a gas can here. let me get some gas for you and we will head back."
i say i don't have cash.
he says,
"don't worry about it. hang in there, we will be right there."

next thing i know, he's pulling up behind me and quietly and humbly emptying his new gas can into my car.
he wants to make sure i'm okay,
so he follows me to the gas station.

at this moment,
i'm in awe.

i give rick a call and tell him how utterly grateful i am, how i will remember this for the rest of my life.
at this moment,
i am in tears.
i cannot control it.

he says,
"thank you for the kind words, but it really was nothing. i hope your trip gets better.
something just told me to stop for you.
God bless."

i hang up
and take a moment to just release all of my emotions.

there i was,
sitting on the side of the road in need.
car after car passes me by.
one beautiful soul, my good samaritan, stops to help,
to pick me up and get me back in motion,
asking nothing in return.

i begin driving,
plugging in my ipod to listen to some music.

like something out of a fairytale,
this hymn comes on.

if ever there was a sign as clear as a summer's day,
this is it.

ani said it best,
God's work isn't done by God, it's done by people.

at this moment,
i realized who i need to be.

forever goodbye to apathy.
forever goodbye to disregard, to inaction.

i'm now enlisted in the army of alms.

this moment 

was a call to action. 

now,
more than ever,
it's so important to be a force for good,

to combat listlessness and unconcern,
to fight the good fight against all things harsh and discourteous,
to vow to never pass up a needy soul again.

now,
in this world,
generosity and goodness are more influential
and actions under these virtues are louder than ever.

if you see a beggar
and have nothing to give,
spare a few kind words to lift their spirits.

if you see a car pulled over,
and have nowhere to be,
stop and simply ask if they need assistance.

slow your sarcasm.
watch your words,
that they may uplift all around you when you speak.

serve,
and ask for nothing in return.

contribute to the beauty of the world,
do not detract from it.

be gracious.
accept compliments,
express gratitude,
be humbled by those around you,
no matter what their contribution.

be a wonderful, unparalleled version
of yourself.
be a force for good.
use your words, your actions, your minutes/hours/days/nights
to do something to spread your love,
the Savior's love,
to all of the corner's of the earth.

be inspired to be a soldier in this apathetic world.

submit yourself to this just cause

and, like rick,

 you just might inspire another soul to enlist as well. 

beautiful people

 

if you don't know already

i have a life goal

of having a blind person tell me that i am beautiful. 

this goes right along with that dream.

i want to be a truly beautiful person.

where the rooms are a collection of our lives

class tonight was lovely.
we danced to a song
about home.

if you know me at all,
you know this is a concept that fascinates me.

if you pay attention to life and art all around you,
you'd notice there are countless
poems,
movies,
songs,
paintings,
sonnets,
stories,
works of art of any kind
that are about the concept of home.

it is universal.
from the beginning of time,
to today,
and into the future...
into forever....
people have always been longing for home.

everyone. everywhere. 

we all just want to go home.

so
in honor of this stunningly beautiful song,
let's unfurl this carpet we know all too well
and talk about
HOME.

“Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.”

- Charles Dickens

i love my home.
i cannot wait for my future home.
with my husband.
and my children.

a home,
my home:

made of walls and beams.
stairs that lead to the place where we rest our heads.
windows that let light break through them.
food in our pantry.
hallways lined with pictures of the faces we adore.
clothes swaying from the clothesline outside.
bread in the oven.
fresh flowers from our garden resting in a humble mason jar.
dogs lying on the floor, occasionally getting underfoot while we're doing laundry.
fresh grass in our very own lawn.
little footsteps running across creaky floorboards.

i get chills thinking about it.

the person who can promise these things to me,
and mean it,
will have my heart forever.

i want my home to be everything i hold dear.
after all,
you only really get ONE place to mold to your soul.
surround yourself with beauty,
with family,
with grace
with love.

dreaming about my home,
our home,
enthuses me beyond belief.

create a home.
put your heart into it.
it's where the heart is, you know.


{photo of frederick douglas's house. amazing i know.}

baby you're a firework {silab}

i feel like i'm turning into one of those people.
the one's who cry watching a 10 sec commercial with a kitten in it.

you know,
happy tears.

da onez hataz roll dey eyes at.

so for stuff i like a bunch {silab}
let's all turn our attention to some music.

i looove music...
as does just about everybody else on the planet.
i have a soft spot for corny songs.
this very spot is what turned me on to hannah montana several years back.

ok i LOVE hmontana.
loveher.

she just sings about awesome stuff. like her double life and being a rockstar.
but one of my faaavorite hannah montana songs is this one:



i literally cried when i heard it.

if i were to get into politics, the FIRST thing i would want to do would be to instate a "self-esteem" program into schools.
i talk about it all da tyme.

not just confidence and standing up for yourself in a crowd,
but that silent self love that makes you want to look yourself in the eye and tell yourself how wonderful you are.
that moment when you can't help but smile because you love being you.
that appreciation that brings you one step closer to seeing yourself the way Christ does.

when other people publicly declare that it is a-okay to love yourself,
that it is beautiful and wonderful and magical,
it makes me oh-so joyous.

it's so easy to get lost in what is happening around you.
not just the crazy stuff, but the neutral stuff too.

when you can sit back,
take a deep breath,
and really evaluate yourself,
coming out on top?
that's magic.

take care of yourself.

"remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God".
d&c 18:10

i loooove that.
it doesn't say "the worth of man", but "the worth of souls"
that is what really shines.
your strength, courage, patience, endurance, benevolence,
your true beauty...

that's in your soul.
and the worth of your soul is great.

think about this.
if there are 6billion souls on the earth right now,
think about how many there have been, total...
trillions!

and we ain't goin nowhere anytime soon.

5 people are born every second, but only 2 people die. That’s a population increase of 180 people every minute of the day.
lots and lots of people.
in order to fit everyone in the salt lake valley, we would have to fill in layers,
stacking ourselves four people high.
just close your eyes and imagine that for a second.
in that crowd of people,
you are the only you.
i know you hear that all the time, but seriously.
think about how monumental that is.

from the beginning of time to the end of time,
there will only be ONE you.
ONE!
nobody else gets to live your life. nobody else experiences things from behind your eyes.
that body?
it's yours and yours alone!
you spend your entire life with your own, precious body.
nobody else gets to do the same things you do every day.
nobody gets to look like you.
nobody gets to think like you.
nobody gets to be you BUT you.

you. are. a. legend.

everything you do is history.
every move you make is significant.
when somebody asks "what kind of a person was ayley yasuko johnson?"
my life will dictate that response.
everything i do answers that question in some way.

songs that tell you to let your light shine, telling you that you matter...
these songs are just telling you in so many words that you ARE a legend.
it's inside of you.
it's everything that you are.

share it.

you just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. 
show em what you're worth.
make some noise.

i think that's something to cry happytears about, donchathink? :)



p.s. if you have any songs in this same vein, feel free to share. i will love you for it. 

wrap yourself around me, cause i ain't the way you found me...

do not proceed without listening to this song.
yann tiersen is a gift from God.
a gift.
to me.
to you.
to the world.
i am crying as we speak because his fingers, his brain, his soul...
they have created beautiful, beautiful things.
please join me in an open prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
We are so very thankful for the gift that Yann Tiersen is to the world. His music has blessed our lives, my life. He has done excellently at sharing and developing his talents and he truly is a gift. Thank you so much for Yann Tiersen.
How great Thou art.
We say these things in the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

i pray often and thank the Lord for music but i pray the most for the beauty of Yann Tiersen. i don't know what his music does to my soul... but it connects it to everything somehow and i just feel... held.

here is the song.
play it in the background
in a new window
please.

the most beautiful thing about music is it offers you the chance to be still.
to be still and reflect.
you can just sit
quietly
listening
closing your eyes
breathing deeply
and looking inside of you.

my favorite things.

my favorite songs make me feel like the wind is blowing while i'm indoors.
my favorite songs make me want to move and sit still at the same time.
make me want my eyes open and closed at the same time.

i wonder why music makes me feel sad or happy or angry
or why it reminds me of things
like childhood summers
or vacations to faraway places.
why it makes me feel.

it doesn't.
those things are inside me already.

i connect with music with my soul.
i open myself,
cut myself down the middle,
and let music come at me like a thousand knives.
it is painfully beautiful.
music pierces me like needles and fills me
as i take a deep breath of something that i hadn't breathed for a long time.
music swarms my body,
runs through my veins,
wraps itself around me,
holds me,
whispers to me things that i had forgotten
but things that i knew were still there.

music slithers through my bones
around my ribcage
through my muscles
and finds things i had lost
and carries them back to me.

it gently lays them to rest as it continues to sing to me
and tell me of the other treasures it has recovered from other souls,
souls that are not mine.
it twists around me as i breathe it in and begin to cry.
music then flattens itself like a blanket and wraps itself around me and comforts me.

i continue to breathe
and music breathes with me.
and sings.
my breathing turns into humming.
and music moves into my mouth with me
as i begin to sing
and we become one voice.

music fills my lungs,
fills my heart,
and surrounds me.

i feel it nearing an end
and i know it will leave me
but music whispers to me,
and we breathe together,
and music returns my memories to their proper places
and we share one last breath.
as i breathe music out
my soul is alone again.

music always leaves traces of itself on my soul.
i can remember when it has visited.
i can remember what it brought when it last came.
i can remember what i felt when it twisted itself around my soul.

so i say a silent prayer thanking music
and i ask music to visit me once more.



.....and i'll never be the same.

say crack again. "crack"

i realized what i want to do with my life.

i want to crack eggs.

it took me forever to learn how to crack an egg the right way.
i always messed it up.
you have to get it at the right angle
and you have to tap it {but not too hard}
just so...
and if you do it right you will get everything that was hiding underneath the shell.

the funny thing i learned about eggs is that you can't use the same method to crack all eggs.
they're all different.
one may need more pressure.
one may need less.
one may fall apart completely and you're left with shell mixed in.
one may not want to crack at first but then you finally get it.

the funny thing i learned about eggs is that you can use different methods to crack different eggs but the result is always the same.
they are cracked.
and that is what is important.

we discard the shells.
they are given back to the Earth
and the inside becomes part of something more.

it's what is on the inside that we want.

we take these insides and use them for our meringues and salads and cakes and other household needs.
we mix the viscous prize we procured
in with something bigger.

if we didn't crack that egg...
the entire thing would just become part of the Earth
and we don't know what we could have used it for.
wasted in this life.

so i want to crack eggs. 

for my entire life.

oh but replace eggs with people.
i want to crack souls out of their shells
and use them for my various baking needs.

there are some people that are easy to crack.
they can crack themselves.
or
they need a little help reaching the right spot to crack
but they can do it
no problem.

some people are not blessed to have the communicative abilities that i have.
some people are not blessed to have a body that makes it easy to access what is on the inside.
some people need help to find the right pressure, the right angle, the right circumstances...

i look at Noelle's life.
she had so much going on inside of her.
so much she probably wanted to say and do and express
but she didn't know how to get it out.
neither did a lot of the people around her.
i know how that feels {to an extent}...
to feel like you're inside of a shell
and you don't know how to get out so you can be a part of something bigger.

there are millions of people like this.
everywhere.

i want to crack eggs.

{photo via my camera}

i want to force it out of you

it doesn't matter how hard you shake someone
how hard you squeeze them
how hard and powerfully you stare
how many times you shout their full name
how swiftly you fall to your knees in front of them
how firm your grip is on their ankles
how soggy their socks become from your weeping
how hard you try to rip open their chest and scream directly into their heart...

they won't hear you unless they unlock the entrance.
you can't unlock anyone without a key.
you can look but, i assure you,
you won't find a single vendor that will provide a master key of that sort.

i have keys.

i have lots of keys
{car keys. house keys. shift keys. answer keys.}
because i face a lot of locks in my day to day Earth prowling.
luckily those locks readily allow me to insert keys into them so that i may get to whatever is being guarded.
i have yet to face a lockless door
or
something tangible that cannot be opened.

54456tdajh
{i left that little typed out nonsense there because my cat walked across my keyboard. i thought it was cute. who am i to censor what she has to say? but back to the topic...}




every day i face locks that i cannot figure out.
they present themselves to me in the form of people.
i find it frustrating that no matter what i do there is no clear key to unlocking the souls of those around me.
i also find that beautiful.

there is a humbling sort of mystery in watching people roam the Earth with me.
i can speak to them and watch them and hear them and feel them and walk with them
but never can i truly unlock them and experience their soul like i can experience them physically.

i know this is morbid
but
when i hug people i sometimes try to breathe and absorb all that they are.
then things in my mind turn violent.
i sometimes imagine starting softly
then
slowly increasing pressure,
squeezing someone so hard that i can juice their soul out.
it streams out of them and i have to catch it before it flies away...
and i can hold it
and i can feel it in my hands
and i can smell it
and taste it
and breath it in
and then when i am done experiencing them
i can shove it back into their body and they will take a large breath and gasp for air and feel my fingerprints all over their soul
and i will look at them
into their eyes
and i will close mine
and finally understand them.

but i cannot do that.
i cannot force it out of them.
so i let go and quietly appreciate just breathing them in.

i am deeply thankful for those moments in this life that i have had to catch glimpses of the spirits of those around me.
those moments are rare, but they fuel me.
it's like seeing what is hiding beneath their skin, their bones, their organs
for just a moment...
like a flash of sunlight through the trees.

photographs. hugs. discussions. songs. stories. paintings. letters. smiles. tears. laughter. dancing. fighting. swearing. kissing. singing. drawing.
these are all moments in my life and the lives of others that have acted as keys
opening things that i could not otherwise see.

i love these moments.
i will have many more opportunities to experience the souls of others
and to share my own:
` when i truly, soulfully sing in the presence of others who are singing
` when i start painting again
` when i make love for the first time
` when i say "i love you" and mean it more than i possibly could
` when i hit someone as hard as i can out of frustration and love
` when i give birth to my children
` when i sit silently with another person and imagine the entire universe enveloping us at that moment

until then i can only imagine myself attempting to wring the souls out of the bodies of everyone around me
and appreciate those locks i face that allow me to open them with whatever insignificant keys i may have.
for this i am truly grateful.
{photo via papertissue}