Monday, April 26, 2010

i want to force it out of you

it doesn't matter how hard you shake someone
how hard you squeeze them
how hard and powerfully you stare
how many times you shout their full name
how swiftly you fall to your knees in front of them
how firm your grip is on their ankles
how soggy their socks become from your weeping
how hard you try to rip open their chest and scream directly into their heart...

they won't hear you unless they unlock the entrance.
you can't unlock anyone without a key.
you can look but, i assure you,
you won't find a single vendor that will provide a master key of that sort.

i have keys.

i have lots of keys
{car keys. house keys. shift keys. answer keys.}
because i face a lot of locks in my day to day Earth prowling.
luckily those locks readily allow me to insert keys into them so that i may get to whatever is being guarded.
i have yet to face a lockless door
something tangible that cannot be opened.

{i left that little typed out nonsense there because my cat walked across my keyboard. i thought it was cute. who am i to censor what she has to say? but back to the topic...}

every day i face locks that i cannot figure out.
they present themselves to me in the form of people.
i find it frustrating that no matter what i do there is no clear key to unlocking the souls of those around me.
i also find that beautiful.

there is a humbling sort of mystery in watching people roam the Earth with me.
i can speak to them and watch them and hear them and feel them and walk with them
but never can i truly unlock them and experience their soul like i can experience them physically.

i know this is morbid
when i hug people i sometimes try to breathe and absorb all that they are.
then things in my mind turn violent.
i sometimes imagine starting softly
slowly increasing pressure,
squeezing someone so hard that i can juice their soul out.
it streams out of them and i have to catch it before it flies away...
and i can hold it
and i can feel it in my hands
and i can smell it
and taste it
and breath it in
and then when i am done experiencing them
i can shove it back into their body and they will take a large breath and gasp for air and feel my fingerprints all over their soul
and i will look at them
into their eyes
and i will close mine
and finally understand them.

but i cannot do that.
i cannot force it out of them.
so i let go and quietly appreciate just breathing them in.

i am deeply thankful for those moments in this life that i have had to catch glimpses of the spirits of those around me.
those moments are rare, but they fuel me.
it's like seeing what is hiding beneath their skin, their bones, their organs
for just a moment...
like a flash of sunlight through the trees.

photographs. hugs. discussions. songs. stories. paintings. letters. smiles. tears. laughter. dancing. fighting. swearing. kissing. singing. drawing.
these are all moments in my life and the lives of others that have acted as keys
opening things that i could not otherwise see.

i love these moments.
i will have many more opportunities to experience the souls of others
and to share my own:
` when i truly, soulfully sing in the presence of others who are singing
` when i start painting again
` when i make love for the first time
` when i say "i love you" and mean it more than i possibly could
` when i hit someone as hard as i can out of frustration and love
` when i give birth to my children
` when i sit silently with another person and imagine the entire universe enveloping us at that moment

until then i can only imagine myself attempting to wring the souls out of the bodies of everyone around me
and appreciate those locks i face that allow me to open them with whatever insignificant keys i may have.
for this i am truly grateful.
{photo via papertissue}

1 comment:

  1. I don't know what it is about you trying to put the depth of your soul into words but it can hit me like nothing else can. I am in awe everytime I read the words that supposedly paint your thoughts. You are so beautiful. The beautiful pictures that your soul releases into the universe everyday are indescribable. You are truly a divinly beautiful gift to the universe. I love you.


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