i'll order the grilled life w/ a side of boring, plz

What made the other day a good day

+ was sliding into the carport in front of our apartment right when this song faded out
and remembering that i forgot the only pair of shoes i owned at work
and not caring a bit about it

+ was not having to insert my key into the lock because my husband was ready to open the door and throw his arms around me with a hearty "Hey, sport!" and a few forehead kisses for good measure

+ was this very same husband asking me to serenade him on the ukulele and me obliging, playing La Vie En Rose three times in a row, followed by some Lana that ... didn't go very well

+ was tripping over clothes, dog toys, and Peace Tea cans on the way to that broken couch of ours to talk about how we are going to save money now that I quit my job and laughing that at least I would have more time to pick up the things I am tripping over

+ was sitting on the floor watching a Dakota Fanning movie and legitimately yelling at the TV about how unrealistic the movie was because, first of all, her parents didn't seem to care where she was the entire movie and second of all she spent nearly the whole film in the sun and didn't have to apply sunscreen to her porcelain skin once and was burned a total of zero times despite waking up suddenly and hopping on her bike to the beach more than one time. Maybe she has a vaccine I don't know about, or maybe I just think about skincare a lot.

Anyway.
The unglamorous life that looks terrible when you take pictures of it is my favorite kind these days,
because for some reason what bleach trays and way too crispy chocolate chip cookies are doing for my soul these days is so unbelievably fulfilling that i cannot possibly portray it in any other way than with words.

Sure, there are certainly those beautiful moments where your hair looks especially lovely
and you are barefoot, wearing your favorite dress in a place you rarely frequent
but those moments don't mean as much to me right now in life,
they don't hold as much weight as picking dog fur off my husband's shoulders as he gets up from the carpet from playing with Bruno and letting him lick his face
or calling the IRS for the seventeenth time about our tax return because it sort of feels like a secret mission that we are involved in and the hold music they play isn't half bad,
even when you have to listen to it for four hours (true story).

I'm learning that having it "all together" doesn't look the same on everybody.
I like it.
A lot.

It makes me love all of the human beings and all of their stories
and all of their wrinkled, cat hair-covered sweaters and messy haircuts
and wonder about all the things that make them feel whole that aren't measurable by other people like me.
You know,
like my bleach trays and bad Lana del Rey renditions.

I love being human.

xo.

life happens and there's not a whole lot of time to revel in it.

life is moving so fast!
so, so fast!
just like that... we have lived in our home for 21 days
and nearly been married two months
and school has already been in session for a month
and it will soon be my half birthday
and it will soon be adam's 27th birthday....

i'm amazed at how quickly it's all passing.
i'm talkin' the "holy moly did that just happen?" and "is this real life?" brand of amazement
and i wish i had more time to enjoy these little milestones
but it seems like one happens in a flash
and it's time to move on to the next one
and, to top it all off, i feel like i'm forgetting something CONSTANTLY.

i'm taking all of this as a sign to slow down.
i need to say no to more things
and yes to the things that fulfill me in other ways than building a career reputation or filling my bank account.
right? that's so much more important!

i'm feeling so thankful for kelli and her rockstar blog
and the steve jobs quote she shared the other day:
"i'm as proud of what i say no to as i am of what i say yes to."

because of that notion,
i said no to something for what seemed like the first time
and they were completely understanding and okay with it!
what a concept!

i am looking forward to more time spent cleaning my house,
being a better wife to my husband (who hardly ever even sees me!)
being a better daughter to my parents (who see me even less...)
sister to my sisters
being a better student
and just being better to myself.

i am nearly dying on the inside
to finally get a second to sit down and enjoy our wedding photos
and really start to plan the layout of our house
and be better.
just.... better.

here's to saying no!

*photo by brooke schultz of our bridals and yes... it's on my list. :)

xo.

diversions.

one of my favorite things to do is put off doing anything related to my wedding reception
(because it's like... just a party and like doesn't have to be perfect and like... should i really care so much about little things?!)
and one of my favorite ways to do that is strolling the farmer's markets of the salt lake valley.

nothing puts a spring in my step like lively people and fresh food!

i've also come to realize how it's just not okay to forgo the little things you love in favor of other things...

like maybe you should spend extra time doing your hair even if it makes you late
because someone you don't even know might be all like "cute hair, girl!"

and maybe you should bring your SLR camera along even though lugging the bag is sort of a hassle
because it might make your heart sing the entire time you are snapping pictures

and maybe you should spend 5 extra minutes the night before picking out an impractical outfit
because it's just so cute and well worth the frequent readjusting all morning

or linger around that street performer even if you have somewhere to be
because you might end up buying their $5 cd and totally loving it

or spend just as much money on your happiness as you do on the necessities
'n stuff...

ok well um i have a goal to be more balanced and prepared to take care of the little things. it's so easy to forget. i don't advocate being late all the time just to curl your hair, ok? you know what i mean. anywayz...

i mean... i just love being alive in such a cheerful and spirited place.
thank you, you beautiful farmer's market you!!!
i had almost forgotten what summer felt like.

farmer's markets!
just make time for them, ok?

xo.

earth day.

happy earth day!
i really love this holiday.
it's moved to a more conservation/preservation focus over these years,
but i still appreciate that we have a day where we just celebrate the earth!

i am serious about my love for it.

if you follow me on other social media outlets,
you know that i've spent the weekend away at a dance competition with my students.

one of my (little!) students came up to me and told me that the drive up there was so boring
because her ipod died halfway through
and her ipad didn't have a charge either
so she just had to sit and look out the window.
sooo boring.

i was like...
"whaaaaa?"
because looking out the window on a canyon drive is, like, one of the best things ever!
sheesh, kid!

after that i started paying attention to how little attention we pay to the natural world.
it was pretty darn exhausting!

so,
after a weekend of rhinestones, blasting music, stages, and time spent entirely indoors...
i'm excited to spend this entire earth day OUTSIDE!
we don't spend enough time out there, if you ask me.

have a happy day where you appreciate all the natural and beautiful things that surround you!

xo. 

full of air and made of paper.

photo taken at the utah state fair 2 years ago.

certainty is a funny thing.

it's interesting to see how it is found to be both a comfort
and a disturbance.

here are some sample statements:
i am certain i will graduate high school.
i am certain i will not get cancer.
i am certain i will have children.
i am certain i will make it on time.

so on and so forth.

we speak with certainty all the time.
"when we have children, we are going to raise them to be christian."
"when you grow up and get married, you are going to see what it's like."
"when i'm in college, i'm going to party like it's 1999."
"god hates sinners."
"i will never have a cavity."
"i will always love you."

the assumptions we utter are so exciting.
the prospect of things makes us feel over the moon.

and then life happens
and we find ourselves in a struggle.

a struggle against cancer,
against infertility.
a struggle to find our soul mate.
a struggle to find out the truth, though we find ourselves in an uncompromisable state.
a struggle to help our austistic child through the public education system.
a struggle to support a spouse who has 6 months to live.
a struggle with an opposing opinion
or hardheadedness.
a struggle to live.

being on the internet last night,
social media specifically,
was a stirring experience.

it was a friend's child's 21st birthday. the one she had out of wedlock when she was a teenager.
a neighbor announced her young husband is going to die of cancer.
a friend announced an engagement.
people were spouting off their political opinions.
a friend's younger brother passed away.
a former student got into her dream school in new york city.
a friend was damning another for their civil rights involvement.

and all at once it was all floating in front of me:
the human experience,
the inescapability of death,
the uncertainty of,
well,
everything.

all at once
i felt as though my bones were hollow glass
that were surrounded by my tissue paper body,
which was about to cave in.

why, yes!
the certainty of which i live my life is comforting.
it makes me feel as though i know what's around each corner.

what a starry-eyed way of living, eh?

how very disturbing certainty can be.
it suggests an immovable path our lives are to take,
an immovable path to our salvation.

but...
oh, the fragility of life!

how fragile my loved ones are!
how fragile my financial situation!
how fragile my safety!
how fragile my bones!

i seek certainty to compensate for this fragility.
we all do.
feelings of certainty combat the grey area we find ourselves lost in.
certainty
or faith that things will work out.

seeing the brittleness of life on others,
made me feel an overwhelming guilt.
i could not sleep soundly while my fellow people are breaking to bits.

i couldn't rest knowing that at any moment
life can flip a switch
and change.

life doesn't cycle around and around like an amusement park ride.
sometimes it only circles once.
sometimes it breaks and a fireman asks you to climb down a really long ladder.
sometimes you feel like it might never end.
sometimes it doesn't even start.

so
all the more reason to eat cotton candy
and wear cowboy boots to the fair.

that frailty that life carries
it is humbling.
oh
so
humbling.

i guess what i'm saying is:


you have to know that your entire life could break at a moment's notice
and you might lose it all.

you must know that.


and all the while
sleep soundly.

live life the way you know best.
like...

it's okay to talk about death in one breath
and cheezbrgr cats in the next.
it's okay to fret about lipstick
or about exams
even when there are worse things.

you just gotta kiss the love of your life on the forehead more often.
you gotta help people.
you gotta be okay with grey area.
you gotta know that when you get a dog it's gonna to die.
you gotta know that you could get very, very sick
or that your child might have something terribly wrong with them.

and you gotta put on red lipstick
and take selfies
and make people uncomfortable with your PDA
and make plans even though they might never come to fruition.
you gotta party like it's 1999
and you gotta keep your chin up.

you simply must hold things close to you while you can
and it's okay to say you have a shred of certainty
even when you don't

because you don't.
no one does.

the only thing we know
is there is love
and it's here
and it's real
very real
and it's here to save us
and change our lives.

it's here even when our hearts break
and our legs fail.
it's there when we lose it all.
always.

i might lose my sweet dog tonight
or my precious family
or the love of my life.

i don't know.
but DAMN it
i'm gonna love hard.

and i'm gonna watch cat videos on the internet with them
and i'm probably going to laugh until one of us can't breathe
and then we might cry for our neighbors
or we might quarrel or disagree over political things.
we might sit silently
and not even whisper that we love each other
even though we know we could lose it all in a fire or something.

and it's okay
because love is strong
and i am holding on to them
with all the strength i have
even when life is so frail.

xo.

to see things a little differently.

i decided that you have to be a little mad

in order to fully experience the spectrum of life. 

but it's sort of like...

maybe you don't have to be mad

but just let yourself be free and wild and rebellious enough

so that people might say:

"that one. that one has gone unglued."

because you have to unstitch yourself,

at least just a little bit,

to let anything else in. 

things that have come unhinged, unstitched, unglued,

those things often end up in bins and piles

ready to be tossed,

ready to be shipped off to the loony bin.

too easily misunderstood.

but those things that appear wrinkled 

or torn

or worn

or split

are often the ones who have ridden the spectrum in its entirety.

fragmented does not mean defective.

you know?

just, like,

be foolish enough to have it all.

even if you end up in a couple bins from time to time.

it's just better that way.

xo.

"talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't"

so....
this has been on my mind
and i have to write it out.

it all started when my brother posted a picture of me on 9gag,
which was extremely unflattering, with me in sweats and making a squinty face
and with the caption "my sister being a hipster"
because i was taking a picture of my mom's birthday cake e.g. food.
and people (strangers) shared it on facebook
and i'm sure they had a good laugh over it.
(you're welcome for the link, by the way. i'm not afraid to look lousy in the internet.)
i guess i don't really care
but...

something in me just snapped,
oh-so subtly,
and i started noticing all the labels and just plain ole negativity around me.
it's everywhere
and it has been slowly breaking my heart bit by bit.

it continued scratching at my insides
while my sister and i were watching twilight
and i thought about a little twihard somewhere in the world
who genuinely loves those books or movies
who feels like they have to keep it quiet
because there are just so many voices saying it's worthless and/or stupid
and that people who like it are some kind of uncultured yokels
who don't know the meaning of real entertainment.

and i, to be perfectly honest, shed a few tears for that person
who feels like he has to keep something so unbelievably harmless
and something that makes him so very happy
a secret.

and yesterday.
hashtag vineapp
i saw so many people trying to drive wedges between themselves and the rest of people on social media
or they were somewhat patronizing themselves by saying they were a follower
or "just part of the trend"
for giving in to something that could generally be very cool
and that a lot of people were genuinely excited about
and that a lot of people had a lot of positive feelings about...
something that i think is genuinely cool.

i've been overly receptive to this lately,
i admit it.
but it has been making me so very sad!

you don't have to demean yourself for liking anything.
nothing.
never.
never do you have to do this.
let yourself like things and get excited about it
whether two people or two thousand people are talking about it!

you also do not need to let everyone know when you dislike something!
i know i am guilty sometimes.
in no way am i saying i am always positive!
it's just incredibly boring to hate things.

all of these thoughts made me watch liberal arts again,
which i just love
and i felt inspired to share these clips again.

watch them in order, if you will.




so... i just want to issue a challenge to whoever chooses to accept it, including to myself:

talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't. 
because it's actually really boring to hate things.
and
never demean yourself for genuinely enjoying something!

but, ya know...
if you really want to say that you don't like something
let yourself, too!
it's okay! don't be a robot!

i'm just sayin...

antagonism has been accumulating out there
just pooling up
and it just sits there. like, forever.
ugh.

on the bright side,
it has inspired me even further to be a beacon of positivity.
because i don't like heavy metal.
i don't like some books.
i don't like some tv shows.
but i would hope that i could at least say that i try my hardest to see the value in everything
and that other people are allowed to like all of the things that i don't like
and i don't ever have to make myself feel bad for watching twilight while i do homework
or taking pictures of food, because i actually find food to be really beautiful
or wearing fake glasses, which i have done since i was in grade school.
or downloading a popular app
or getting excited about it.
because i want to share the things that make me happy!
and so do you!

because a lot of people are going to like the same things
probably all at once
and that doesn't make them any less cool!
i'm so thankful that there are so many people out there that want to share what they love with the rest of the world,
hoping it will make others as happy as it has made them.
i love it!

you can completely hate trends or you can completely love them
and either way you are still beautiful and amazing and cool and mostly HAPPY.
because either way it makes you happy!
i hope that you will make people feel the same way when they like things, too.


if you need to let your dislikes out,
write it down or yell it out or get it out of your system! do it! be healthy!
and then think about what you love!

because there is way too much in this world that we can love
there there should be no time to even focus on what we hate for even 30 seconds!

am i right??

SO JUST LIKE STUFF, OK?!

xo.

becoming a radiant maverick.

i spent the day in salt lake city perusing antique shops
and saw some old boots with the word MAVERICK printed on the bottom.
i immediately remembered a short time i spent at a friend's ranch when i was younger...
a maverick was an animal that hadn't been branded, that nobody really "owned".
an independent creature.

and i realized
that i felt like a motherless calf,
like a free creature.
independent.
and i knew that independence requires courage.


in one of the greatest ted talks ever given,
brene brown defines courage as:

"to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

and that idea has been troubling me.
i mean,
it's absolutely brilliant
and i feel like i am telling the story of who i am with my whole heart,
with all of the contents of my soul and spirit...
but if i might just add to that definition with:

"to tell the whole story of who you are with your whole heart."

and i had to be honest with myself and say
i most certainly was not doing that.

so i have been taking time to reconcile all the bits and parts of me
and uncaging all the little singing birds underneath my ribs
and just letting them fly free with the rest.

i've spent so long trying to reconcile my whole story with the outside world
that i have caged parts of myself in the process.

it has taken Ultimate Life Lows to realize i should have been reconciling what was already there
and ignoring the things that were not.

but now,
i'm prepared. i'm ready.

suddenly,
the world is ... there. right in front of me.
and it's like it has been saying, "oh... hello. i've been waiting for you."

i have never, ever felt more free.
ever.

xo.

good.

i got this from my sister this afternoon

and i didn't know how to answer right away.

i've been very, very affected by the tragedy this weekend. 

so much so that i am hardly able to function. 

it feels so wrong of me to feel this way

because it didn't happen to me. 

it's almost selfish of me to feel this pain when so many are directly affected and feel so much more.

but i feel it. 

it's there. 

it's so difficult. 

i mean... just writhing in pain. 

i don't need to understand anything.

no one ever will.

but i have my answer to my sister's question.

good.

there is more good in this world. 

sometimes Evil just shouts over all else,

so much louder

and it demands to be seen

but then it runs out of breath

and Good keeps humming its tune...

it's steady, beautiful, constant tune.

and when Evil shouts,

Good is there to soothe.

every time.

you just have to look for it.

what a powerful thought.

xo.

a tender hearted girl.

i don't like talking about myself in this way... but i think what i'm feeling right now needs to be documented.

my psychology professor brought his wife to class today. 

she is a cancer survivor and just an all around sweetheart. 

she gave us a little speech about how everyone is a survivor of something,

how pain is good for us,

how rocks aren't polished unless they get bits of them knocked off. 

it really got to me.

after class,

everyone rushed up to tell her how amazing she was

and to thank her for inspiring them.

as usual, i slipped into wallflower mode: 

i avoided the rush 

and decided to look at the pictures on the wall of the past student body officers from 1960 to now.

i approached her after the crowd had dulled 

still with tears in my eyes,

feeling pretty embarrassed about them streaming down my cheek.

i apologized for letting my emotions get the best of me

and told her how touched i was by her words.

she looked at me with intense sincerity and said,

"i noticed you earlier in the class, sitting silently and observing everyone and everything.

you are going to do good things with your life.

i don't know how i know this, but i just do. 

i feel it.

because you are a tender hearted girl

and the world needs more of those."

she then hugged me
and told me that i should always be proud of that because it is who i am.

i cannot fully comprehend the impact this has had on me,
because i am still in the processing stage,
but those words have changed me.

i'm tender hearted...

i'm not overly sensitive.
i'm not creepy or a "stalker" for appreciating things with a great magnitude.
i'm not a psycho, crazy, emotional woman.


i understand i only spoke with this woman for three minutes,
but it has shed a new light on who i am.


i am a tender-hearted girl
who is capable of so much love
and who is also capable of feeling so much hurt.
my tender heart
makes me love deeply
and hurt deeply.

the world wants me to believe that being tender hearted is a bad thing
and i for so long have believed it.

i am sensitive
and i am emotional
and i do express myself a lot
and i do put my heart outside of my own body so that others might experience it
but that also makes me easier to wound.

i will need to be protected and shielded in my lifetime
and the pain i've experienced in the last month will not be the worst i will face

and i don't care anymore
because i now know that the world needs me as a tender hearted girl.

Tender Hearts Club now recruiting members.

xo.

on the fragility of life.

i thought about opening this with a few different stories that we've all heard before like...
the time a father and daughter got in a fight right before one of them lost their life in a car accident
or the time someone found out they had cancer and three days later they passed away,

but we've all heard those before, right?

one major theme of my current struggles is fragility.
because life is very fragile,
the human body is so fragile,
and our minds are so very fragile.

and after having a lot of things taken away from me like some relationships, my own health, my good grades, my car, money, some clothes and shoes, my good report with people, my reputation with some, etc...

i suddenly have found myself a different person entirely.

honestly,
the cliche statement
"everything you have today could be gone tomorrow"
is the truth.

and i started feeling just... anger, i suppose, for all the times i have taken everything for granted.

i mean...
my closet is still amazing.
my hips and my legs and my feet are functional
and i can still dance.
my family is together. and loves each other.
i am still in love with adam reid and that is a blessing.
i have a rockin laptop and a great camera.
i have amazing friends.
my puppy is still cute and here and loyal.
i have plans to reconnect with three old friends this week.
i have so many service opportunities presented to me.
i am literate.
i am healthy.
i am strong.

and at any moment in my life,
any of those things can be ripped from me.

i don't want to say that i live with morbidity,
but things just.... well, they DIE! all the time!

and i look at people who don't have the choice to leave,
like my grandmother with her alzheimer's who is slowly leaving us every day...

and then i look at people like my love's father who made the choice to leave his beautiful family,
or even people who live under the same roof who don't share loving exchanges,
or friends who slowly slip away from each other

and i want to SHAKE these people!

why would you make that choice when there are so many other people who don't even have that choice but are forced into it?
why would you let hatred or fear creep in and take hold of you?

i can promise you,
that assuming anything...
assuming that time will take care of forgiveness,
assuming that space will make your love grow fonder,
assuming that you will have the chance to make amends,
assuming that your home will still be standing when you pull up...

that is never wise.
i don't care if that is comfortable.
i don't care if you think that is what is best for you at that time.
it's foolish.

you work to gain appreciation.
it is work.
and it is the best and most prolific work you will ever do.

if you have a hard time forgiving? work harder.
if you have a hard time staying happy? work harder.
if you have a hard time maintaining old friendships? work harder.

you just have to work harder and stop making excuses.
you have to realize what you have, what you need, and what you want
and work for it.

because bones break and tires pop and your family will die. they will.

and there are messages everywhere telling you to be grateful already!
there are those who have been on the other side...
where one day they up and lost everything
and they beg people to appreciate what they have,
to say i love yous and thank yous and how are yous
because that may be your last chance.

they beg people to hold on to things,
to cast out fear
and just live
and love

and we ignore them!

assumptions, i think, show a lack of appreciation for possibility.
assumptions are a foolish confidence in a status quo and its endurance.

so honestly?
live life with a little morbidity if it makes you appreciate the fragility of the things we cherish.
have those little "death, dying, ripped from me like a bandaid" thoughts when you're hugging people and writing letters and driving your car and eating and traveling and shopping and working out and whenever.
and cherish... absolutely cherish those moments.

don't channel it into fear. channel it into i-better-get-my-act-together-and-appreciate-what-i-have.

because life works like waves... and sometimes it's nice and you can wade around
and sometimes it's a fatal tsunami.

and there is no telling.

life is fragile.
handle with care.
that is all.

now,
i'm off to spend some time with my family and away from this computer screen.

xo.