bruises on my knees for you.

last night,
after three and a half long months
and several paint jobs later,
adam & i finally started putting our dresser together.

it had been a long time coming
and we were sort of tired of stepping all over our clothes and shoving them in bags in the closet.
i guess you can say our priorities have been elsewhere.

it's funny how difficult it was
and how many times we had to take it apart just to flip a piece around the right way
and then screw it all back together.

we worked silently
occasionally giggling when one person would trip over a drawer
or when we realized we had the wrong pieces,
or the time i somehow lost our only screwdriver somewhere in our apartment
after, literally, not moving an inch for 2 hours?
(it was under a pile of clothes, demonstrating even more fervently the need for this darned dresser)

adam & i are going through all that typical stuff everyone tells you that you go through in the first year of marriage.
you know... toothpaste caps and towel folding methods, among other things.
and here we were thinking that we could just skip it all because we've known each other for so long!
"what little fools we were!" we will say as the years pass by.
marriage is hard work
and with all of the very stressful things we are facing as individuals at this stage in life
it's no picnic some days.

both of us were yawning with aching palms by the time 1 am rolled around
and we realized we couldn't finish because of the hammering involved in the last steps
and our desire to keep neighbors on our good side.
nobody likes a noisy neighbor, you know.

the whole time i had it my head that we could have just bought a dresser that was pre-assembled.
we would have spent much, much less money
and saved a lot of time that was spent painting it at my mom's house in brief installments.
we could have thrifted something and neither of us would have tripped over jeans as many times as we have.
we wouldn't have argued about which screws the instructions were referring to.
we would have hammered our fingers or had to leave the room when things got a little too frustrating for each of us.
we could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble.

but there was a moment where we put it all somewhat together
and gazed at its incompleteness in complete silence
and felt good.
real good.
like "we did it and here it is" good,
and the work was rehabilitating.

i could certainly try to think of an alternate word for "good"
because many consider it to be a word with little meaning these days.
i'm sure there are spicier words waiting in the wings there,
but i mean it.
i mean it in the hearty way a father tenderly hugs his daughter to tell her she did a good job.
i mean it in the way they say it in old movies, beautiful, articulate accents in tow, saying "you're a good, good man."
and i mean it in the way someone spiritedly responds to the question "how are you?".

i wanted to kick myself for ever taking work for granted
because it is such a healer.
turpentine ain't got nothin' on work.

there's no cause i'd rather be bruised for than a cause involving my husband
or our marriage
or our life together
or anything that encompasses our marriage.

i've realized things are good
and they will always be good
because frustration in the name of love
is still something done in the name of love
and that will always be worth the world.

so,
things are good.
there are so many good things to live out.
like being married to someone you love for, like, ever.
or like finishing frustrating dressers with that person.
that, too.

xo.

my bones.

things have been hard lately.
real hard.
there are moments where i consider running away
and not in the way i meant when i was seven,
where running away meant teepees and wild animals and subsisting off leftover rolls you stashed away in a sack
but in a very real, "might i build a boat and sail far, far away from this?" sort of way.
the sort of way that leaves no trace but a brief goodbye note and an image on the horizon.

i believe in honesty and i think that this space allows for it
and life isn't all daisies, though we wish it were.
raise a glass to lowered inhibitions, everyone.

it's very hard to remain stagnant
and there are days when my spirit feels trapped under my bones.
there are days where the raindrops sound like footsteps and, for a moment, i picture someone
anyone
coming to whisk me away to a place i've never even heard of.
i close my eyes and imagine being scooped up
and carried through those raindrops,
getting drenched by the sky,
and saying nothing, but meaning 'yes, this is alright with me' through grabbing tighter onto the person's shoulders and burying my head into their chest
because if i watch how we get to wherever we are going
i might be tempted to go back.

i'm very blessed.
of course, i am blessed.
i experience many first world problems.
i love my husband dearly. i love my dog. i love my family.
i have so much more than so many others.
i do.
i really do.
i don't intend to leave all of the lovely things behind.
i just want to escape my own world...
this dirty empire i've somehow created through connections and schedules.

there was a moment the other day where someone asked me if i was able to help them by running across the street from my house, quickly mind you, to lend them something.
i stared at that little screen for a few seconds
and i just lost it
because there was absolutely no way i could fit such a small task in my schedule.

i'm at a very real point in my life where i look around at every temporal thing i have
and i just don't care about it.
i don't care for these clothes
or the tv across from me.
i've fallen out of love with all the beautiful pots + pans we own
and the collection of books i've not yet read.
in fact,
you could break into my house today and take all of it
and the part of my brain that stimulates tear production wouldn't light up one bit.

i realize this isn't even the tip of the iceberg in this life
and this sounds just like a commercial for cymbalta
but experiencing hopelessness, however mild or severe, is a very real part of life and it's important to share it however you find fit, right?

it's important to note in these situations the passion that remains inside of you
for even the smallest of things.
like where my thoughts wander during a commute...
usually to silly conversations in bed with my husband in the morning before either of us moves a muscle
or the sunflowers he left on the windowsill near my side of the room to burn the grey out of my world,
coming home to a very excited dog who cannot wait to tackle you out on the grass,
and even finding an old beanie you wore in high school that you forgot you had.

everyone looks for a community to share these thoughts with,
a judgement-free community ready to share in the experiences and create some sort of grievance pile in the middle and burn it together in a big, satisfying, metaphysical bonfire
and the truth is that most of us are too scared to pretend that there is that part of you that is capable of throwing sticks into that fire with people who feel the same way you do.

i guess what i'm saying is i hope to be brave enough to throw the first one down
because we are all here shuffling our feet
and all of our minds wander to those raindrop footsteps once in a while.

so raise that glass back up for love
and all the ups and downs we face
and getting real
and sitting back down in our seats when things aren't what we signed up for
and living the next day just a little bit better than today.
it's one hell of a ride, this life.

xo.

this quarter-life crisis might last a few years.

rather unflattering picture of me in cabo, taken by adam... shared because 1) i like that my husband took it, 2) that shirt just doesn't do anything for me and it ain't nobody's fault and 3) it's on film and i look fondly on these honeymoon shots on the daily. big sigh on three: 1... 2...

a difficult question to ask yourself is
"am i happy with where i am?" and, subsequently, "why do i feel this way about it?".

i'm there. in that space where i'm asking myself that more than one time per day, in between banging my head repeatedly on all available flat surfaces.
i never, ever answer myself out loud,
but the answer is there everywhere i turn, in every action i seem to take.

it's there when i walk out the door every morning on a cute husband and dog who are about to go for their daily morning walk together.
it's there when i am up late studying or trying to wind down after a rough day and my husband is already in bed and i end up falling asleep on the couch out of exhaustion.
it's there in the lack of guilt i feel when i call in sick to one of my jobs for a much needed day of recuperation (really, i'm sick! sick all too frequently. not just lazy. cross my heart.)
it's there in the utter claustrophobia of monotony.

but even worse... it's there in the realization that "gosh... this is your life, ayley, isn't it?"

i keep doing silly, and i mean silly, things to break the monotony
like standing in front of the mirror each morning trying to do my hair drastically differently
or eating more meat as a (former, i guess) die-hard vegetarian
or even avoiding getting my oil changed just to rebel against order and routine,
and i will be the first to admit how stupid and trivial all of this is.

i'm so grateful for everything i'm learning through these experiences
and so, so grateful to have jobs that i mostly love and that pay the bills
but i just want my life back, you know?
i feel like i answer the question above when i crawl back into bed next to my warm husband and cherish the short, all too infrequent moments we have together
or when i don't cry when i get a B- on an exam like i used to because i went on a lengthy evening walk with my husband instead of studying.
i was a bit dramatic. i know. this is a judgement-free zone, alright? 

you know?
because i am married
and i have an amazing house
with a sweet dog
and a rockstar family
and soooo many ideas floating around in my head while i am stuck doing obligatory things.

i have to ask myself big questions like,
"where am i going with dance and how would it feel to be done for a while?"
or
"how would it feel to have been married a year and only been on, say, four bonafide dates?"
and
"what does all of this mean for my future family?".

but i was reminded of one of my favorite bjork quotes via the vine below...

"it takes a long time to fully become who you are."

vine by meagan cignoli.

it's a major struggle to make a decision on my own,
one not influenced by my husband or family
but one that keeps them in mind.
every decision i make in my daydreams makes me feel at peace and look to the future with brighter eyes
which terrifies me because these daydream changes are usually very drastic!

my life at this point is satisfying the bottom two tiers of maslow's pyramid
which is so much better than most
and i am so, so grateful
but i'd like to live a life where i can achieve a little higher
so that i can love my favorite people with all of my might
and have the energy to perform some more service and do good things for the world
rather than just maintaining the status quo as it were.

it's my life, right?

xo.

let's get real: sometimes they have to stick a camera inside your body *gasp*

this was attempt #5 at trying to take a "happy to be here!" picture in my hospital gown. yeah, i know. didn't work.  #deadeyes

oh, hey there.
you know what?
colonoscopy prep was awful.
it just highlighted that debilitating pain i experience on a bimonthly basis.
SHOOT!

but guess what?
i had to be on an all liquid diet yesterday
and my adam said,
"you're on a broth diet? oh, me too!"
like a champ.
the dude even offered to take some of that awful laxative crap so we could go down together.
but i made him eat some dinner. both of us shouldn't have to suffer.
oh, and that laxative business? that didn't happen. just for me. thank goodness for adam's system.

and i had that sweet adam by my side the entire sleepless night,
rubbing my back when it felt like daggers,
switching dvds and watching scary shows with me,
trying hard to stay awake to comfort me
even though he had to work earlier than normal today.
and the poor guy took a cab home early this morning. 
a very expensive cab.

the man seriously loves people with all he's got.
i love him.
i. love. him.

the good news is
it's all over.

the bad news is
basically everything was fine
which means more dr's appts and tests.
more detective work!

that fact was just as frustrating as the prep work beforehand.
if not more.
i'm very sad about it.

so... i've made a list of everything that could make me happy right now.
here goes:

- new socks. like those really embarrassing fuzzy ones.
- waffle fries from chik-fil-a.
- a shirt with a kitty acting like he's people. like this one. this one would suffice, too. meow.
- fresh tulips. in bright colors. like this.
- my three best friends all in their pj's sitting on this couch with me
- a chocolate bar with cardamom in it. is this a thing? please say it's so.
- and if people wanted to bring a disco ball to my house and hang it up, i'd be cool with it.

it's basically a day where i feel like whining
but i'm going to fill it with annoying and guilty pleasures.
like this potato roll in my hand.
like that.

oh, health! ;)

xo.

"talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't"

so....
this has been on my mind
and i have to write it out.

it all started when my brother posted a picture of me on 9gag,
which was extremely unflattering, with me in sweats and making a squinty face
and with the caption "my sister being a hipster"
because i was taking a picture of my mom's birthday cake e.g. food.
and people (strangers) shared it on facebook
and i'm sure they had a good laugh over it.
(you're welcome for the link, by the way. i'm not afraid to look lousy in the internet.)
i guess i don't really care
but...

something in me just snapped,
oh-so subtly,
and i started noticing all the labels and just plain ole negativity around me.
it's everywhere
and it has been slowly breaking my heart bit by bit.

it continued scratching at my insides
while my sister and i were watching twilight
and i thought about a little twihard somewhere in the world
who genuinely loves those books or movies
who feels like they have to keep it quiet
because there are just so many voices saying it's worthless and/or stupid
and that people who like it are some kind of uncultured yokels
who don't know the meaning of real entertainment.

and i, to be perfectly honest, shed a few tears for that person
who feels like he has to keep something so unbelievably harmless
and something that makes him so very happy
a secret.

and yesterday.
hashtag vineapp
i saw so many people trying to drive wedges between themselves and the rest of people on social media
or they were somewhat patronizing themselves by saying they were a follower
or "just part of the trend"
for giving in to something that could generally be very cool
and that a lot of people were genuinely excited about
and that a lot of people had a lot of positive feelings about...
something that i think is genuinely cool.

i've been overly receptive to this lately,
i admit it.
but it has been making me so very sad!

you don't have to demean yourself for liking anything.
nothing.
never.
never do you have to do this.
let yourself like things and get excited about it
whether two people or two thousand people are talking about it!

you also do not need to let everyone know when you dislike something!
i know i am guilty sometimes.
in no way am i saying i am always positive!
it's just incredibly boring to hate things.

all of these thoughts made me watch liberal arts again,
which i just love
and i felt inspired to share these clips again.

watch them in order, if you will.




so... i just want to issue a challenge to whoever chooses to accept it, including to myself:

talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't. 
because it's actually really boring to hate things.
and
never demean yourself for genuinely enjoying something!

but, ya know...
if you really want to say that you don't like something
let yourself, too!
it's okay! don't be a robot!

i'm just sayin...

antagonism has been accumulating out there
just pooling up
and it just sits there. like, forever.
ugh.

on the bright side,
it has inspired me even further to be a beacon of positivity.
because i don't like heavy metal.
i don't like some books.
i don't like some tv shows.
but i would hope that i could at least say that i try my hardest to see the value in everything
and that other people are allowed to like all of the things that i don't like
and i don't ever have to make myself feel bad for watching twilight while i do homework
or taking pictures of food, because i actually find food to be really beautiful
or wearing fake glasses, which i have done since i was in grade school.
or downloading a popular app
or getting excited about it.
because i want to share the things that make me happy!
and so do you!

because a lot of people are going to like the same things
probably all at once
and that doesn't make them any less cool!
i'm so thankful that there are so many people out there that want to share what they love with the rest of the world,
hoping it will make others as happy as it has made them.
i love it!

you can completely hate trends or you can completely love them
and either way you are still beautiful and amazing and cool and mostly HAPPY.
because either way it makes you happy!
i hope that you will make people feel the same way when they like things, too.


if you need to let your dislikes out,
write it down or yell it out or get it out of your system! do it! be healthy!
and then think about what you love!

because there is way too much in this world that we can love
there there should be no time to even focus on what we hate for even 30 seconds!

am i right??

SO JUST LIKE STUFF, OK?!

xo.

how quickly things change.

i was walking out of target last week
wearing snow boots and shielding myself from the flurry of snow
and i thought about how the last time i was there it was the fourth of july
and it was summer
and the sun was bright
and i was wearing sandals.

i was deleting emails from a friend from over a year ago
who was talking about how she hadn't heard from her boyfriend
in about three weeks
and asked for advice from me
and now she is married to a wonderful (different) man
and i was in my email at that moment asking for advice from her.

i was walking around post-sandy new york city on november 2nd
enjoying the quiet air and lack of crowds,
cautiously avoiding debris and walking everywhere due to the lack of subway service
thinking about how on october 25th, just one week earlier,
i could barely move around in the crowds
and the only debris was typical nyc garbage.

i picked up a land line
and couldn't remember the last time i had used it.
since then, i've made all my important phone calls it.

when i went to collect my things out of my totaled car,
i remembered that the last time i had opened its door,
i was heading to school with my sister,
very happy and proud of a photo assignment i was to turn in,
which is now bent like the frame of my beetle.

one day you are thick as thieves with someone,
and the next they could be ignoring you with no explanation.

one day you could have really long hair,
and then next it could be short.

one day you are passing a class,
and with one major slip up
you could fail the whole thing.

one day you can have someone,
the next they could be gone.

things change
and i love it
and hate it
at the same time.

but i sort of like the fact that the lights are on in the left photo above
because that's how i feel...
same spot. same person. different stories.

i remember that person on the right.
i remember her worries and fears
her triumphs and her insecurities.
i remember what was important and what she valued above all else
and that person is still me
but i don't know her anymore like i used to.
i've evolved.

but, you know...
important things don't change so much as evolve
and i think Change is the greatest metaphysical teacher i've had in this lifetime.

xo.

staying positive can be very difficult.

so... right after my expensive trip,
right after the hurricane,
which meant lots of missed work + school,
and my expensive laptop cord breaking,
and my dog needing to go to the vet soon,
this happened...

which is both equally devastating and painful (concussions are very common but they hurt!)
and all i can think about is the fact that the accident was completely my fault
because i looked down to grab something in my car for just a second...
and the fact that my sister and i are basically confined to laying down for days,
and the fact that my sister refuses to leave the basement
because of the awful scratches, bruises, and swelling on her face (soooooo sad!)
and the fact that my car might be totalled,
and if it isn't,
it's going to be expensive as can be to fix it.
and my citation!
and more missed work and school!
and adam's birthday coming up in 5 days!
and $$$$!

so even though i don't feel very happy right now (at all...)
i'm going to force my unwilling self to write a few positives...

• i get to chill out and spend this down time with my sister and puppy.
• my sweet dance studio was incredibly understanding and arranged my classes to be taken care of. 
• i have gotten extensions on homework from understanding professors.
• my mother has been MORE than amazing in comforting us with flowers and ice cream and hugs.
• i now know how to file a claim with my insurance.
• i have completed an entire season of desperate housewives and finished another book.
• aaaand the very worst of this is just money and little injuries. ugh... i'm so ungrateful!

i do feel a little better now.
finding the positives is easier in retrospect.
i need to work on it more while it's in the present.
it helps.
because something good comes out of every situation. no matter what.

xo.

looks like rain.

aside from some mild flooding, fallen trees (or branches, see back left in photo), and some garbage strewn about,
you wouldn't even know there had been hurricane warnings just the day before!

everyone around these parts wanted to stay indoors.
not us!

armed with an umbrella,
we made it outside to visit some thrift stores (how amazing is the buffalo exchange?!) and have a bite at 2amy's.

it was super cold and wet,
but there were hardly any crowds anywhere!
it was like having the city to ourselves.

plus, i've got my love to keep me warm, you know?

currently trying to decide on what to do for halloween since we are unexpectedly here!
i know our awesome costumes at home will miss us.

happy wednesday!

xo.

benefits of a cold

who likes being sick?
not me.
not you.
not nobody.

buuut
here are some good things that have come of being sick this weekend:

soft-spoken words,
lots of blankets,
sweatpants,
special tea,
lots of movies + a favorite show on netflix,
my mama sweetly taking care of my traffic ticket for me {i know, right?!},
extra time spent at home with my bffs and my pup,
homework done weeks before the due date,
dibs on the space heater,
a new high score,
+ super sweet texts from adam {who regretfully has not been able to see me all weekend!}.

everything
when you are sick
seems hazy and slow,
but it's also much softer than typical life.
the world gets sweeter, blankets softer, and time is spent doing simple yet worthwhile activities.

i feel physically awful
{and i mean awful}
and spiritually wonderful.

in other news,
while i was sleeping
my sisters painted a white stripe on my dog
and have been calling him "skunky brewster".

take a pen to me, please

"i love the girl that owns this arm"

was written
on someone's arm.
my sister's arm.

and i thought it was so sweet.
and then my eyes welled
and i said aloud,
"it would be the weirdest thing to see that on my own arm"
because no one feels that way about me.

people love me
but not in that way.

they say "i love you"
they hug me.
they kiss me.
they look at me.

people love me enough to go out of their way to help me
people love me enough to hug me when i'm sad
people love me enough to leave me alone when i'm angry
to wish me a happy birthday
to compliment me
to write me letters and notes and texts.
people love me.

i want that kind of love where you want to doodle on someone's arm,
claiming it
while advertising your love for that person.
i want doodles and whispers
and silly jokes about my breasts being mountains while toy cars drive around my stomach.

as i cried alone in my room i realized how important those things are to me.
those, to me, are beautiful expressions of innocent love.
someone feels that way about my sister.
i want to feel that way about someone.
i want someone to feel that way about me.
so bad.
so bad that i had to retreat to my room to cry.

those things seem so silly to some
but they are so deep and meaningful to me.
i want that kind of childlike love so bad.
because it is so pure.
and beautiful.
and i will find it.

don't stop to let it pass you by, you gotta look yourself in the eye and...

...well...
i asked adam,
"what are three things you wish you could change about me?"
without hesitation he responded,
"first thing: the way you view yourself".


i don't think i'm pretty.
i don't think i'm smart.
i'm not creative,
generous,
righteous,
or worthy of much.
adam hates that.
i should hate it too.


 {cue one of ayley's favorite songs as background music. open this in a new window}


i started thinking today...
"ayley.
you have much that you can credit yourself just by design."
i recalled a talk by President Monson i had read a few days earlier.
you are a woman, ayley,
and women are remarkable beings.
President Hinckley also had a few words to say about that:

“Woman is God’s supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth” (Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11)

that's you.

you owe it to God to honor his creation. 

right? right.
“Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears” (President Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Nov. 1990, 47).

“God will hold us accountable if we neglect His daughters” (Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11).

ayley.

that's you.
except the "men" part.

don't make yourself cry. don't think less of yourself. don't neglect yourself.

also...

don't settle for anyone who will treat you with less than you deserve.

{but i feel like i don't deserve anything}

i recall a quote i heard once at a fireside:

"Young men that treat women with respect and admiration have no regrets–only rewards."

that's hard to expect respect and admiration when i can't even treat myself that way.

i always want to compare myself to others.

everyone else is so gorgeous and smart and creative.

moreso than i. 

man this entry is just quote central today.

here's another:
“For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”

- 2 Corinthians 10:12

man oh man.

we naturally want to compare.

it's how we decide our favorite colors, who to marry, what to eat for breakfast, etc.

comparing all our choices and picking the best one.

that's how we do things on Earth.

God does not compare like that.

God will only compare us to ourselves.

ayley,

you should only be comparing yourself to yourself.

be the best YOU can be.

have confidence.

you are a woman.

you are a child of God.

everyone fails. everyone feels ugly. everyone has down moments. 

God isn't going to compare me to anyone but me,

so why should i?

why should i focus on anyone else doing that to me either?

i want to uphold and reach the full measure of my creation.

big task,

but the first step is embracing it. 

i'm tired of hearing adam say that i have a poor view of myself.

gary go, i love you:

"we are all miracles wrapped up in chemicals. we are incredible. don't take it for granted. we are all miracles." {maybe go and watch that video because it is lovely}

i gotta look myself in the eye and say,

"i am wonderful".

hard.

i'm scared to make that first look at myself.

scared that i will back out of it when i see something i don't like.

frustrating.

hard. 

ayley...

yes it's HARD

but not impossible.

so do it already.

no regrets, only rewards... right?

right. 

{photo via papertissue}

five things i love today {thursday december third twothousandandnine}

today was hard.
this week has been hard.
these last few weeks have been hard.

i have a headache from crying.

i want to think about some lovely things now
because there were things that made me happy
all throughout the storm.

so...

 here are five things i loved today:

(1) the speech adam gave me this afternoon.

 he talked about things he loves and about some of his fears. he talked for about 20 minutes straight and i just listened. later when i thought about what he said i started skipping down the hall at work and wanted to run in a field of daisies and just finger the stems for the rest of the day.

(2) the fact that over the last few days over 14 people {yes, i counted. compliments are a rarity. cherish them} have said i looked pretty

 ...if they only knew that i have cried so much lately, wore no makeup, and just pulled my bedhead into a bun. i'm glad i wear post- sobbing and sleep-deprivation well, i suppose.

(3) my dog

i always love him, but today he had a bath and a new dog bed... and i didn't even care that he ate my underwear and tore up some toilet paper. he's too dang cute and soft today.

(4) the outfit i wore today

i wore two shirts that i would never have put together... i found them because they were both on the floor of my messy room and i threw some stuff around and they landed together. i saw that the colors looked grrrreat and i wore it. FATE. oh chance outfit, how i appreciated you this morning. {don't worry, they were clean}

(5) dance

today i did some improvisation today in class. i haven't in a while, and i looked like crap... but i felt at home while i was rolling on the hard floor.

it's hard for me to try lately

at anything, really
but finding lovely things is always worth doing...
especially during trying times.
{photo via papertissue}

\ˈäp-tə-ˌmi-zəm\ n. :an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events

T E N

things that suck and blow simultaneously:

1 - being sick
2 - waking up early
3 - having no time to have any hobbies
4 - working on weekends
5 - not being able to sleep
6 - fighting with family
7 - having a period
8 - being forgetful and unorganized
9 - not knowing what to do with your future
10 - crying every freaking day for no apparent reason

T E N

things that i need to remind myself of every day:

1 - i need to appreciate my health when i have it and take better care of myself
2 - i get to see the sunrise every morning
3 - i am learning how to work really hard
4 - sometimes i won't have the opportunity to play in life and i need to be happy just living and breathing and doing things that better myself
5 - sometimes trying too hard to do something actually pushes you further back. don't force it
6 - i am learning to be more patient and to turn the other cheek day by day
7 - i have been blessed to have a woman's body and have the ability to be a mother someday. i will be able to feel this "maternal instinct" business and experience incredible things with my body that males cannot. i shouldn't have any penis envy
8 - i am learning to forgive myself for my mistakes and recognize that i can't be perfect
9 - i have so many options before me, i can do whatever i want with my life
10 - i will be okay when all is said and done

oh, Optimism. you're so hard to maintain sometimes but you make the sun shine brighter.