Thursday, September 26, 2013

this quarter-life crisis might last a few years.

rather unflattering picture of me in cabo, taken by adam... shared because 1) i like that my husband took it, 2) that shirt just doesn't do anything for me and it ain't nobody's fault and 3) it's on film and i look fondly on these honeymoon shots on the daily. big sigh on three: 1... 2...

a difficult question to ask yourself is
"am i happy with where i am?" and, subsequently, "why do i feel this way about it?".

i'm there. in that space where i'm asking myself that more than one time per day, in between banging my head repeatedly on all available flat surfaces.
i never, ever answer myself out loud,
but the answer is there everywhere i turn, in every action i seem to take.

it's there when i walk out the door every morning on a cute husband and dog who are about to go for their daily morning walk together.
it's there when i am up late studying or trying to wind down after a rough day and my husband is already in bed and i end up falling asleep on the couch out of exhaustion.
it's there in the lack of guilt i feel when i call in sick to one of my jobs for a much needed day of recuperation (really, i'm sick! sick all too frequently. not just lazy. cross my heart.)
it's there in the utter claustrophobia of monotony.

but even worse... it's there in the realization that "gosh... this is your life, ayley, isn't it?"

i keep doing silly, and i mean silly, things to break the monotony
like standing in front of the mirror each morning trying to do my hair drastically differently
or eating more meat as a (former, i guess) die-hard vegetarian
or even avoiding getting my oil changed just to rebel against order and routine,
and i will be the first to admit how stupid and trivial all of this is.

i'm so grateful for everything i'm learning through these experiences
and so, so grateful to have jobs that i mostly love and that pay the bills
but i just want my life back, you know?
i feel like i answer the question above when i crawl back into bed next to my warm husband and cherish the short, all too infrequent moments we have together
or when i don't cry when i get a B- on an exam like i used to because i went on a lengthy evening walk with my husband instead of studying.
i was a bit dramatic. i know. this is a judgement-free zone, alright? 

you know?
because i am married
and i have an amazing house
with a sweet dog
and a rockstar family
and soooo many ideas floating around in my head while i am stuck doing obligatory things.

i have to ask myself big questions like,
"where am i going with dance and how would it feel to be done for a while?"
"how would it feel to have been married a year and only been on, say, four bonafide dates?"
"what does all of this mean for my future family?".

but i was reminded of one of my favorite bjork quotes via the vine below...

"it takes a long time to fully become who you are."

vine by meagan cignoli.

it's a major struggle to make a decision on my own,
one not influenced by my husband or family
but one that keeps them in mind.
every decision i make in my daydreams makes me feel at peace and look to the future with brighter eyes
which terrifies me because these daydream changes are usually very drastic!

my life at this point is satisfying the bottom two tiers of maslow's pyramid
which is so much better than most
and i am so, so grateful
but i'd like to live a life where i can achieve a little higher
so that i can love my favorite people with all of my might
and have the energy to perform some more service and do good things for the world
rather than just maintaining the status quo as it were.

it's my life, right?


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