a couple o' grainy iphone pics + words.

if i could write a whole post of this:
"christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas! christmas!"
i would.
i'm saving that outburst for verbal encounters with my loved ones.
you're welcome. 

i am so, so excited for christmas.
the day we got our veryfirstgrownupmarriedcouplewithourownhouse tree, i kept clapping my hands together and sighing. adam kept poking fun at it, tilting his head ever so slightly when he mimicked me
and telling me that it was like looking at a seven year old version of his wife. and he liked it.
i told him to stop being creepy,
but i imagine it's true.
it's just the way christmas makes you feel.

i am so blessed to say that one of the most difficult problems i have right now
is that i am terrible at keeping secrets
and i simply do NOT know how i will wait until christmas day to give adam his presents. it's hard.
i almost spilled the beans this morning. and about 10 minutes after that. and during my lunch break.
and on the phone a few hours ago. and... probably later this evening several times over dinner.

i am so blessed that i have enough to be able to give the excess i have to people who sorely need it.

i am so blessed to be married to adam
and to have such wonderful sisters
and parents
and in-laws
and i am so blessed to be able to celebrate all of this light in my life during this season.
#soblessed

now,
first things first.
can anyone recommend some duct tape that won't hurt when you rip it off, say, bare lips?
asking for a friend.

xo.

we're on each other's team.

parts of our dc trip were very "throw your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care"
because we got to celebrate having each other in our lives for five whole years.
what? what?! yeah. five years. a blink of the eye in the grander scheme
but it's still 1,826 days
or 43,829 hours
or 261 weeks.
it feels amazing whatever way you slice it.

the formula for happiness (and i'm convinced this glee could be generalized worldwide...)
can be found in the way adam reid says "strength" with his east coast accent
and how he smacks his lips a la jim halpert when he thinks something is too silly for words,
not to mention the way he says "hello, my wife" nearly every night when he comes through the door.

we dined at one of our favorite restaurants, founding farmer's, that night
and shared a few of our favorite memories
and a few things each of us are looking forward to in the coming years:
homes, babies, a kitten, wrinkles, christmases... all the good stuff, not necessarily in that order
(though, it's a safe bet to put babies before wrinkles, but who knows what the future holds).
we clinked glasses to all the winters we've made it through together,
and maybe asked the waitress too many questions about how they made our food.

[it's a joke how unhappy adam looks in pictures, but he keeps telling me he goes for a GQ look. i don't get it?]

i'm practically banging my metaphorical knife and fork on the table, shouting "more! more!"
in anticipation of the coming years.
i could just eat my husband up.
i know the best is yet to come
and the thing is that i don't quite know how it could be better
but i simply know it will
in the way cheese and fine wine goes 'n stuff.
i wish this life were a book and i could peek ahead to the ending
to see what our children will be like
and what adam looks like with greying hair
and where we will end up
but i know i have to live it
and while i wish i could see our beautiful story ahead of time
you won't be hearing any "are we there yet"s from me.

for now i will relish in all the i love yous and the sight of my snowy husband walking in the door each night with a big ole grin, often bearing popsicles or the guava nectar i love so much
and take mental snapshots
for our "remember when...?" days in twenty or so years.

oh, husband.
i love you with all that i have.

xo.

our bridals.

here they are!
more evidence that i was once a bride & adam was a groom,
white dress, grey suit 'n all.

i'm so pleased to be sharing them!

[adam just really likes my forehead.]

my dress was handmade by laurie of muse clothing (whom i would highly recommend. she was so patient with all the many design changes i sent her and went above and beyond to make sure it was just perfect!),
my belt was from anthropologie,
my gloves were a very last minute vintage find from decades in salt lake city,
and earrings were a gift from my mother.

my mama also made my bouquet from some wild, red roses. i told her i wanted something classic with a wild-hearted twist and she delivered something perfect and simple. she's a talented woman, that one.

adam's suit is some combination of custom italian suits that was constructed and altered to his liking. the rest of the ensemble is from jos. a. bank.

be sure to leave our photographer, brooke schultz, some sugar!
more of our wedding to come! woo!

p.s. i love my husband.

xo.

ten reasons why i'm ready to get married.

1. no more "good night see you tomorrow"s and "call me as you are on your way home"s. unless we go bruce and kris jenner one day. but... you know... doubtful.

2. instead of people insisting we fight like a married couple (oh, and you better believe we do...), we can actually, literally fight as a married couple. oh, the perks!

3. i can have my identity back! i can be ayley again! no longer the identity of a bride! just myself. my good old self and not "bride to be" or "almost married woman". and people will talk to me about other, normal things! i can't wait for that part.

4. we can build a home. in every way. spend our money on plungers and picture frames and spend our time building a spiritually meaningful life under one roof.

5. i'm there. if you don't already know, there is a strange place that my spirit has gradually shifted to over this engagement period where i'm not longer finding myself so much of a daughter, sister, coworker, friend, girlfriend or even fiance... but more of a wife. at least for the time being. there is now here and here i am now. that last bit was annoyingly seussian but what can you do. 

6. like super duper obvious "we-have-dated-for-nearly-five-years-and-yeah" stuff...

7. i've realized that all of this stuff isn't the end of my life! all the showers and parties and people being wonderful and loving and getting to wear a white dress and see people i love... it's not the ONLY time that happens! it is in a lot of ways, of course. but life after the wedding, to me, seems so much more fulfilling and meaningful and good. more amazing dresses will be worn. loved ones will be hugged and life will be celebrated! like, even people who had wholly dreadful weddings in hindsight manage to be terribly happy and lead beautiful lives. bring it on!

8. the world around us will recognize our solidified union so seriously that it would cost us thousands of dollars and dozens of sleepless nights to break it which, in my opinion, is pretty cool. like, our future next door neighbors would take breaks from gardening around their perfectly manicured lawns to discuss the demise of our marriage with our other neighbors. it would be a thing. this marriage thing is super serious. i like super serious.

9. traveling! cooking dinners! sleepovers! cohabitation! doing it all together and no one sayin' nuthin' 'bout it!

10. having the heat off. i realize in a lot of ways the heat will always be on, but i gained some very important heat-related insight the other night as we were on our way to take our bridal pictures. we were upset and not even close to being in a loving mood or being photographed. it was a difficult night for both of us and i ended up balling my dress up afterward and throwing it into my front seat, curling up in the backseat, and sleeping the whole night in my car. when i, very sorely, woke up, i saw i had left my little bouquet on my dashboard. i wanted to spit on it and throw it out the window, but decided against it and drove home, leaving it on my dashboard, in the hot sun and out of my cold mind. when i finally came to my senses and had a panicky moment about my dress being askew in my car, i rushed out to grab all of my belongings, only to find those poor flowers as pictured above. those roses were likely only in my car for a few hours of heat, but they withered quickly. and the smell! gosh... hell must smell like rotting roses. i realized, once again, how fragile beautiful things are in the heat. it doesn't take long for it to go south. i mean, a little heat is good. but when you leave it... bad stuff happens. bad stuff that takes a long time to fix. you know how it goes. and the heat has been on us. bad. and we haven't kept an eye on it like we should have. so, yeah. i'm gonna have fresh flowers on our wedding day. probably the freshest flowers i can find. for good reason. and i will take good care of them. maybe there will be other times in our lives where we will leave things in the heat for longer than we ought to. but i will be damned if i ever smell rotting roses like that ever again. #metaphor

don't let your roses rot, you guys.

it is july 23rd.
and i will be married on july 25th
to adam nomiddlename reid
and i am ready for it
like the desert is ready for rain
like a baby is ready to inflate his lungs for the first time
and like a girl who loves a boy very much is ready to just be his already.

xo.

off the market!

EIGHT

number of letters in his full name

EIGHTEEN

number of letters in my full name

SEVEN

number of trips we took back and forth while dating long distance

FOUR AND A HALF

number of years we have been together

TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVEN

number of dollars spent on flights between utah and dc

FIVE

average number of phone calls exchanged between us each day

BAJILLION*

number of fights we have had *(possibly exaggerated)

TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHTY 

number of miles between our houses when we first started dating

SEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS

number of miles between our houses now

THREE

total number of times he has proposed (true story)

ONE

total number of times she has said yes

and just like that

very soon there will be no miles between us

no more trips to visit

no need for so many phone calls

a bajillion more fights

more and more years together

and one life

that we share.

so, yes. 

here are the words i've been waiting to type out:

adam & ayley are officially getting married!

xo.

little memories.

is there anything sweeter than remembering little moments that have been buried in your memories?

like in june 2010 when i was (stupidly) mad at you for not making plans with me after work, 

so i ditched you for the farmer's market on 8th & D 

and took pictures of the fresh produce 

and you weren't even bothered by it one bit 

and even said my pictures were the "something good" that came out of it

and talked about how you wanted to frame them on our walls someday.

or how every time i put cinnamon on my pancakes i am reminded of that summer we spent nearly entirely indoors

perfecting an orange cinnamon pancake recipe and watching adventure time on the floor

and didn't regret it one bit.

or how that lower picture reminds me of the time we watched shutter island twice in a row 

because we were mesmerized by the imagery

and finally we decided we should get out of the house

even though it was pouring rain outside.

we didn't care.

we walked around penn quarter trying to decide where to eat,

being seated and ordering only water at about three beautiful restaurants

before deciding we didn't really want to eat at any of them,

and how we actually ended up getting chop't to go

so we could go home to watch shutter island again.

and how looking at certain pictures

i can almost smell the awful stench of your old apartment building.

and how i always drive past the bleachers in that park where we shared our awkward first kiss.

i think these things bury themselves in my mind on purpose...

making me search for them in some kind of treasure hunt

and all these little things in life are the clues on the map

that lead me to you

even when we are apart.

these little memories are buried treasures i hold dear.

adam reid,

i love you madly.

xo.

i'm so lucky.

i'm so lucky to have a guy whose favorite colors are basically pink and purple. and who wouldn't say it would be a "girly" thing to paint our kitchen cabinets pink. and who loves floral couches. and who doesn't say crap like "that's a girl thing" or "girls are dramatic" or "are you on your period?". and who looks at people as humans, yet appreciates the things that make us so uniquely different as men & women.

i'm so lucky to have a job that i love. i love teaching dance. i love it so! i love influencing young minds and teaching them the ins and outs of this art that i love. i love being able to walk into the studio and decide what i'm going to teach these young people right then and there. i love seeing them connect with movement and i am so proud to watch when they perform on stage.

i'm so lucky to have everything i could ever need, materially. for the last few christmases and birthdays it has been nearly impossible to find things i could ask people to give me. i feel so blessed to have things that it almost pains me to have to try to search for things that could possibly supplement my collection of possessions.

i'm so lucky to be in love.
i'm so lucky to be loved.
i'm so lucky to be where i am
and who i am.

the blue sky i've seen above my head these last few days has changed something in me.
i'm feeling more in love with my life than ever.

i am so blessed!

what makes you lucky?

xo.

i still remember that day we met in december.

december 5th was just a day to me.

i just hopped a plane to see my grandparents and to visit some friends. 

i didn't care about much in life at that time,

so when you sat next to me on the train

it was just another encounter with a stranger. 

i was just a boring girl

in a dull life.

today is no longer just a day.

i care so much about life now that you are in it.

you are no longer a stranger

and i no longer feel boring

or like my life is dull.

i love that you still remember everything i was wearing that day.

i love that you still have some of the first texts we exchanged on that old phone of yours.
i love that you still have that phone in a box under your bed...
and you have the memory card of the first pictures we took together and will not allow it to be used for any other photos.

i love that you had the courage to sit next to me

and the courage to speak to me

and the courage to call me

and the courage to call me again. and again. 

i love that you never gave up.

i love talking about our thoughts on that train ride now that it's in hindsight, 

knowing you were smitten 

and i was so obviously not. 

knowing that you called your friends and family afterwards 

and told them you just met the girl of your dreams after fifteen minutes. 

i love that you rode waaay past your stop just to walk me off the train. 

i didn't love it then.

but gosh... i just love thinking about it now.

it was just written in the stars, i guess.

no matter what happens,
this day will always, always be important to me.
always.
it's the day i met the man who would irrevocably change who i am.
you will never know how special you are to me
but i want to spend forever showing you.

and it was extremely special being able to visit the place where we met

since that doesn't happen very often.
i am so grateful to have been there.
my heart had never been fuller.

this video is a choppy, poorly made, partial summary of our little trip and will likely mean nothing to anyone who views it besides adam & i

but it makes me so very happy. 

enjoy lots of random, meaningless, probably embarrassing clips of two people who are in love! 

happy four years, adam reid. 

i have loved every minute of it. 

xo.

inexplainable.

here's my opinion.
i think once you have found love that you just can't explain
then it's the very definition of "true love".
when it's indestructible,
unconditional,
and incomprehensible.

so...
you can find your best friend,
the most attractive person in the world,
and the coolest cat around
and fall in love with them.

but when you find that you can't even understand the love that you have for this human being,
when you find that you are unable to explain how or why you feel this way,
and when you find that even you feel that the love you have for this person is too big to fit inside of you...

then you have done it.
you've reached capacity.
you've found what we are all looking for.

and i can honestly, truly, with my entire heart...
even the spaces of it i didn't know existed until recently...
say that i have that for adam reid.

i don't care to explain to anyone how or why i feel this way
and i don't understand it
and i sometimes feel that it's too big for my tiny heart,
it's real
and is indestructible,
absolutely unconditional,
and totally and completely incomprehensible.


but it's there
and it puts a skip in my step
and makes the world look golden.
i just...
i love him.
ohhhh how i love him.

no matter what happens,
no matter how trying life gets and how difficult things are
i just love him even more.
i don't care if i'm criticized or people don't understand it.
i don't.
at all.
i don't care!
i love adam reid.

and it is utterly inexplainable.

xo.

hanging tight.

i needed to feel a little better about things in life right now,
so i pulled out this photo of a time when i was blissfully happy:
we were walking the streets in dc a few weeks ago, just about ready to get on the metro
when adam spotted a street vendor selling roses
and without a word
stopped and got some for me
to match my lipstick.
i. was so. happy.
i wish i still had them. 

i have so many things to say,
so many pictures to share...

but i'm still playing catch up and dealing with some heavy stuff right now.
just know that i'd rather be on my computer reminiscing and looking at my dc pictures & video,
but priorities, right?

and i'm realizing just how quickly time flies... it's crazy!
i mean... it's thanksgiving in a few short days!
and the lights are being strung on the trees at the park just outside this library window
and christmas can officially be celebrated this week.
crazy!

i just want to go back in time and stay in a few moments before things got this crazy
but... hey!
life is still pretty good even when it sucks.

xo.

sick days.

i'm sort of grateful for them

because it means i get to do silly things
like catch up on sitcoms
and unlock new levels of where's my water.

and i have a wonderful boyfriend
who wakes up to my
"oh-crap-baby-i'm-sick-i-have-to-miss-school-today-this-sucks" text messages
(at 6:30 am...)
and takes a cab to my house (yes... city boy still can't drive...)
bright and early
and suggests we watch back to the future (!)
while he plays with my hair,
pulls funny faces for me,
makes me some tea,
and then goes up to try to finish painting my room.

i probably heard "ooh, poor baby" about seventy times today.

so, thanks Old Mr. Headache and Stomachache, Jr...
there certainly are perks to having you around.

xo.

it must be noted...

... that i think about this cinemagraph almost daily
& that i can't get domestic thoughts off the brain.

and that i decided this next photograph describes my life:

we simply must bring attention to the fact...

that adam & i have slow danced to this song (one of our very favorites)
three times in the last week
while whispering i-love-yous and you're-mines
and not seeing the other smile,
but hearing it.


we decided this is the music you listen to when you're in love
and we are.
very much.

more every day
and every day it seems unimaginable how it could increase
but then tomorrow comes
and you scoff at the silly puppy love that consumed you yesterday
because this... this is real love today.

so, we frankly ought to mention
that there are few things greater than the smell of rain,
or the dynamite electricity on the final day of school before summer
and the way the wind blows over the very tall grass in shiny waves

but those things pale in comparison
to this love.

xo.