i'll order the grilled life w/ a side of boring, plz

What made the other day a good day

+ was sliding into the carport in front of our apartment right when this song faded out
and remembering that i forgot the only pair of shoes i owned at work
and not caring a bit about it

+ was not having to insert my key into the lock because my husband was ready to open the door and throw his arms around me with a hearty "Hey, sport!" and a few forehead kisses for good measure

+ was this very same husband asking me to serenade him on the ukulele and me obliging, playing La Vie En Rose three times in a row, followed by some Lana that ... didn't go very well

+ was tripping over clothes, dog toys, and Peace Tea cans on the way to that broken couch of ours to talk about how we are going to save money now that I quit my job and laughing that at least I would have more time to pick up the things I am tripping over

+ was sitting on the floor watching a Dakota Fanning movie and legitimately yelling at the TV about how unrealistic the movie was because, first of all, her parents didn't seem to care where she was the entire movie and second of all she spent nearly the whole film in the sun and didn't have to apply sunscreen to her porcelain skin once and was burned a total of zero times despite waking up suddenly and hopping on her bike to the beach more than one time. Maybe she has a vaccine I don't know about, or maybe I just think about skincare a lot.

Anyway.
The unglamorous life that looks terrible when you take pictures of it is my favorite kind these days,
because for some reason what bleach trays and way too crispy chocolate chip cookies are doing for my soul these days is so unbelievably fulfilling that i cannot possibly portray it in any other way than with words.

Sure, there are certainly those beautiful moments where your hair looks especially lovely
and you are barefoot, wearing your favorite dress in a place you rarely frequent
but those moments don't mean as much to me right now in life,
they don't hold as much weight as picking dog fur off my husband's shoulders as he gets up from the carpet from playing with Bruno and letting him lick his face
or calling the IRS for the seventeenth time about our tax return because it sort of feels like a secret mission that we are involved in and the hold music they play isn't half bad,
even when you have to listen to it for four hours (true story).

I'm learning that having it "all together" doesn't look the same on everybody.
I like it.
A lot.

It makes me love all of the human beings and all of their stories
and all of their wrinkled, cat hair-covered sweaters and messy haircuts
and wonder about all the things that make them feel whole that aren't measurable by other people like me.
You know,
like my bleach trays and bad Lana del Rey renditions.

I love being human.

xo.

my bones.

things have been hard lately.
real hard.
there are moments where i consider running away
and not in the way i meant when i was seven,
where running away meant teepees and wild animals and subsisting off leftover rolls you stashed away in a sack
but in a very real, "might i build a boat and sail far, far away from this?" sort of way.
the sort of way that leaves no trace but a brief goodbye note and an image on the horizon.

i believe in honesty and i think that this space allows for it
and life isn't all daisies, though we wish it were.
raise a glass to lowered inhibitions, everyone.

it's very hard to remain stagnant
and there are days when my spirit feels trapped under my bones.
there are days where the raindrops sound like footsteps and, for a moment, i picture someone
anyone
coming to whisk me away to a place i've never even heard of.
i close my eyes and imagine being scooped up
and carried through those raindrops,
getting drenched by the sky,
and saying nothing, but meaning 'yes, this is alright with me' through grabbing tighter onto the person's shoulders and burying my head into their chest
because if i watch how we get to wherever we are going
i might be tempted to go back.

i'm very blessed.
of course, i am blessed.
i experience many first world problems.
i love my husband dearly. i love my dog. i love my family.
i have so much more than so many others.
i do.
i really do.
i don't intend to leave all of the lovely things behind.
i just want to escape my own world...
this dirty empire i've somehow created through connections and schedules.

there was a moment the other day where someone asked me if i was able to help them by running across the street from my house, quickly mind you, to lend them something.
i stared at that little screen for a few seconds
and i just lost it
because there was absolutely no way i could fit such a small task in my schedule.

i'm at a very real point in my life where i look around at every temporal thing i have
and i just don't care about it.
i don't care for these clothes
or the tv across from me.
i've fallen out of love with all the beautiful pots + pans we own
and the collection of books i've not yet read.
in fact,
you could break into my house today and take all of it
and the part of my brain that stimulates tear production wouldn't light up one bit.

i realize this isn't even the tip of the iceberg in this life
and this sounds just like a commercial for cymbalta
but experiencing hopelessness, however mild or severe, is a very real part of life and it's important to share it however you find fit, right?

it's important to note in these situations the passion that remains inside of you
for even the smallest of things.
like where my thoughts wander during a commute...
usually to silly conversations in bed with my husband in the morning before either of us moves a muscle
or the sunflowers he left on the windowsill near my side of the room to burn the grey out of my world,
coming home to a very excited dog who cannot wait to tackle you out on the grass,
and even finding an old beanie you wore in high school that you forgot you had.

everyone looks for a community to share these thoughts with,
a judgement-free community ready to share in the experiences and create some sort of grievance pile in the middle and burn it together in a big, satisfying, metaphysical bonfire
and the truth is that most of us are too scared to pretend that there is that part of you that is capable of throwing sticks into that fire with people who feel the same way you do.

i guess what i'm saying is i hope to be brave enough to throw the first one down
because we are all here shuffling our feet
and all of our minds wander to those raindrop footsteps once in a while.

so raise that glass back up for love
and all the ups and downs we face
and getting real
and sitting back down in our seats when things aren't what we signed up for
and living the next day just a little bit better than today.
it's one hell of a ride, this life.

xo.

cabo san lucas part two: the sea

this beach in mexico is probably the most beautiful place i have ever been.

all of those magnificent rocks used to be underwater, so they are perfectly smooth and easily climbable.

in fact,
someone mentioned that from our resort we had to walk 20 minutes to find a water taxi
and pay $6/person to have them water-taxi us to lover's beach.
OR...
we could climb over the rocks pictured in that bottom left photo up there
for free.
so, naturally...

i can tell you
that i have never felt more alive or adventurous than when we were climbing that thing
and i was hopping barefoot from rock to rock
knowing that at any moment either of us could slip and fall...
and how crazy all the locals thought we were for making the trek so ill-prepared.

as soon as we got over those first (huge!) rocks,
we gave each other a huge, celebratory high five
only to find out that we weren't at lover's beach yet.
oops.

the rest of the hike involved dodging huge & terribly deadly waves that crashed against the rocks
so you had to run while the tide was away and hope you made it around in time.
we salivated a little as water taxi after water taxi loaded with dry people passed us...

yet we persevered.
however,
i got a little overconfident for a moment there
and this happened:

[i didn't even cry. new personal best here.]

R.I.P. RED BELT
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
so if anyone catches a surprisingly stylish, belt-wearing marlin anytime soon,
send it my way.

i actually got hit pretty hard.
as in,
i don't really remember it
and
i will probably have a couple scars on my leg for the rest of my life.
it was one of those:
"holy cow, you're bleeding!"
"no, i'm not... where?"
*looks down to see blood drenched leg*
"oh. there. wow. i don't even feel that."

plus, adam decided to be super stylish and wear fancy shoes
(who am i kidding... did you see my outfit, too? a skirt? who do we think we are?!)
and this happened to them:

[and R.I.P. adam's rad thrifted shoes. you will be missed dearly.]

if only i could have photographed how water-logged they were.

the more i look at these photos
the more i feel like i can hear that heavy sound of the waves crashing on the beach
and smell that unique mexican sea aroma
and feel the oceanic mist landing on the back of my neck...

... the faster my wild heart beats for this amazing sea
and i feel so ready to go back.

lover's beach.
it's a dream
and well worth the whole "life-flashing-before-your-eyes-hope-you-told-your-family-you-loved-them" stuff.
trust me.

or maybe a water taxi.
you could try that, too.

xo.

the city always sounds like it's celebrating.

via

“...the solitude was intoxicating. On my first night there I lay on my back on the sticky carpet for hours, in the murky orange pool of city glow coming through the window, smelling heady curry spices spiraling across the corridor and listening to two guys outside yelling at each other in Russian and someone practicing stormy flamboyant violin somewhere, and slowly realizing that there was not a single person in the world who could see me or ask me what I was doing or tell me to do anything else, and I felt as if at any moment the bedsit might detach itself from the buildings like a luminous soap bubble and drift off into the night, bobbing gently above the rooftops and the river and the stars.” ― Tana French, In the Woods

i love salt lake city.
my sister hannah is renting a little house with a little garden
in the marmalade district
for the summer
so i'm pretending i live here, too.

the city...
oh, the city!

being here makes me feel like a fog has lifted.
like my soul was cleaned off and i can breathe again
or like i'm BACK
you know?

i belong in a city
in a little house with a little garden.
the suburbs swallow me.
this is where i need to be.

i need to be riding bikes and walking everywhere.
i need to be having small conversations with strangers passing by
and i need to fall asleep to the sounds of traffic and the neighbor's loud music.

i told adam we could consider it a medical expense
since my mental health greatly improves whenever i'm in a city
and on a bike
buying flowers from a street vendor,
donating my last dollar to vagrants,
and smelling factory smoke on one block and vietnamese food on the next.

and like...
if adam had a respiratory issue and we needed to live somewhere with cleaner air,
we totally would, right?
right.
it's a sound argument.

this place,
this little house with its little garden
and its little charms
and this little city...
how can i ever, ever leave it?

why would i ever head back into the fog???
(unless it's in portland or seattle of course... citylife!!!)

xo.

full of air and made of paper.

photo taken at the utah state fair 2 years ago.

certainty is a funny thing.

it's interesting to see how it is found to be both a comfort
and a disturbance.

here are some sample statements:
i am certain i will graduate high school.
i am certain i will not get cancer.
i am certain i will have children.
i am certain i will make it on time.

so on and so forth.

we speak with certainty all the time.
"when we have children, we are going to raise them to be christian."
"when you grow up and get married, you are going to see what it's like."
"when i'm in college, i'm going to party like it's 1999."
"god hates sinners."
"i will never have a cavity."
"i will always love you."

the assumptions we utter are so exciting.
the prospect of things makes us feel over the moon.

and then life happens
and we find ourselves in a struggle.

a struggle against cancer,
against infertility.
a struggle to find our soul mate.
a struggle to find out the truth, though we find ourselves in an uncompromisable state.
a struggle to help our austistic child through the public education system.
a struggle to support a spouse who has 6 months to live.
a struggle with an opposing opinion
or hardheadedness.
a struggle to live.

being on the internet last night,
social media specifically,
was a stirring experience.

it was a friend's child's 21st birthday. the one she had out of wedlock when she was a teenager.
a neighbor announced her young husband is going to die of cancer.
a friend announced an engagement.
people were spouting off their political opinions.
a friend's younger brother passed away.
a former student got into her dream school in new york city.
a friend was damning another for their civil rights involvement.

and all at once it was all floating in front of me:
the human experience,
the inescapability of death,
the uncertainty of,
well,
everything.

all at once
i felt as though my bones were hollow glass
that were surrounded by my tissue paper body,
which was about to cave in.

why, yes!
the certainty of which i live my life is comforting.
it makes me feel as though i know what's around each corner.

what a starry-eyed way of living, eh?

how very disturbing certainty can be.
it suggests an immovable path our lives are to take,
an immovable path to our salvation.

but...
oh, the fragility of life!

how fragile my loved ones are!
how fragile my financial situation!
how fragile my safety!
how fragile my bones!

i seek certainty to compensate for this fragility.
we all do.
feelings of certainty combat the grey area we find ourselves lost in.
certainty
or faith that things will work out.

seeing the brittleness of life on others,
made me feel an overwhelming guilt.
i could not sleep soundly while my fellow people are breaking to bits.

i couldn't rest knowing that at any moment
life can flip a switch
and change.

life doesn't cycle around and around like an amusement park ride.
sometimes it only circles once.
sometimes it breaks and a fireman asks you to climb down a really long ladder.
sometimes you feel like it might never end.
sometimes it doesn't even start.

so
all the more reason to eat cotton candy
and wear cowboy boots to the fair.

that frailty that life carries
it is humbling.
oh
so
humbling.

i guess what i'm saying is:


you have to know that your entire life could break at a moment's notice
and you might lose it all.

you must know that.


and all the while
sleep soundly.

live life the way you know best.
like...

it's okay to talk about death in one breath
and cheezbrgr cats in the next.
it's okay to fret about lipstick
or about exams
even when there are worse things.

you just gotta kiss the love of your life on the forehead more often.
you gotta help people.
you gotta be okay with grey area.
you gotta know that when you get a dog it's gonna to die.
you gotta know that you could get very, very sick
or that your child might have something terribly wrong with them.

and you gotta put on red lipstick
and take selfies
and make people uncomfortable with your PDA
and make plans even though they might never come to fruition.
you gotta party like it's 1999
and you gotta keep your chin up.

you simply must hold things close to you while you can
and it's okay to say you have a shred of certainty
even when you don't

because you don't.
no one does.

the only thing we know
is there is love
and it's here
and it's real
very real
and it's here to save us
and change our lives.

it's here even when our hearts break
and our legs fail.
it's there when we lose it all.
always.

i might lose my sweet dog tonight
or my precious family
or the love of my life.

i don't know.
but DAMN it
i'm gonna love hard.

and i'm gonna watch cat videos on the internet with them
and i'm probably going to laugh until one of us can't breathe
and then we might cry for our neighbors
or we might quarrel or disagree over political things.
we might sit silently
and not even whisper that we love each other
even though we know we could lose it all in a fire or something.

and it's okay
because love is strong
and i am holding on to them
with all the strength i have
even when life is so frail.

xo.

let's talk about what it means to be boring.

if someone said "disneyland is so boring"
i'd be all like...
"SAY WHA??"

and probably joke with them and say their heart was black or something.
and many would say that they were boring and liked boring things
or that they just didn't "get" it.

but guess what?
i said that about eleven times while i was in disneyland.
it's true!

i shocked even myself.

i walked around and wanted to talk about what it means to be alive.
i spent all my time while on rides thinking about existential questions
and asking them to those around me.
things like
"do you feel like you do more things wrong or more things right?"
or
"do you feel like there is a dormant part of you that once lived but even you weren't aware of it?"
or
"do you think that genetics just recycle themselves or are there really that many unique combinations of traits and how indistinguishable are we really?"

which, to others,
was extremely boring.

disneyland had its moments.
cars land was really impressive.
i ate a lot of ice cream.
people watching was as good as ever.
the mechanics of all the rides were just as thrilling as i had remembered.

but what about my value system has changed
that i would much rather be pondering mysteries of life
than just letting go and making funny faces for each picture moment on tower of terror?

why would i not submit myself to the carefree and childish atmosphere of an amusement park?
can you have both that submission and the pursuit of philosophical answers
at the same time?

ack!

am i boring or what???

xo.

becoming a radiant maverick.

i spent the day in salt lake city perusing antique shops
and saw some old boots with the word MAVERICK printed on the bottom.
i immediately remembered a short time i spent at a friend's ranch when i was younger...
a maverick was an animal that hadn't been branded, that nobody really "owned".
an independent creature.

and i realized
that i felt like a motherless calf,
like a free creature.
independent.
and i knew that independence requires courage.


in one of the greatest ted talks ever given,
brene brown defines courage as:

"to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

and that idea has been troubling me.
i mean,
it's absolutely brilliant
and i feel like i am telling the story of who i am with my whole heart,
with all of the contents of my soul and spirit...
but if i might just add to that definition with:

"to tell the whole story of who you are with your whole heart."

and i had to be honest with myself and say
i most certainly was not doing that.

so i have been taking time to reconcile all the bits and parts of me
and uncaging all the little singing birds underneath my ribs
and just letting them fly free with the rest.

i've spent so long trying to reconcile my whole story with the outside world
that i have caged parts of myself in the process.

it has taken Ultimate Life Lows to realize i should have been reconciling what was already there
and ignoring the things that were not.

but now,
i'm prepared. i'm ready.

suddenly,
the world is ... there. right in front of me.
and it's like it has been saying, "oh... hello. i've been waiting for you."

i have never, ever felt more free.
ever.

xo.

on the fragility of life.

i thought about opening this with a few different stories that we've all heard before like...
the time a father and daughter got in a fight right before one of them lost their life in a car accident
or the time someone found out they had cancer and three days later they passed away,

but we've all heard those before, right?

one major theme of my current struggles is fragility.
because life is very fragile,
the human body is so fragile,
and our minds are so very fragile.

and after having a lot of things taken away from me like some relationships, my own health, my good grades, my car, money, some clothes and shoes, my good report with people, my reputation with some, etc...

i suddenly have found myself a different person entirely.

honestly,
the cliche statement
"everything you have today could be gone tomorrow"
is the truth.

and i started feeling just... anger, i suppose, for all the times i have taken everything for granted.

i mean...
my closet is still amazing.
my hips and my legs and my feet are functional
and i can still dance.
my family is together. and loves each other.
i am still in love with adam reid and that is a blessing.
i have a rockin laptop and a great camera.
i have amazing friends.
my puppy is still cute and here and loyal.
i have plans to reconnect with three old friends this week.
i have so many service opportunities presented to me.
i am literate.
i am healthy.
i am strong.

and at any moment in my life,
any of those things can be ripped from me.

i don't want to say that i live with morbidity,
but things just.... well, they DIE! all the time!

and i look at people who don't have the choice to leave,
like my grandmother with her alzheimer's who is slowly leaving us every day...

and then i look at people like my love's father who made the choice to leave his beautiful family,
or even people who live under the same roof who don't share loving exchanges,
or friends who slowly slip away from each other

and i want to SHAKE these people!

why would you make that choice when there are so many other people who don't even have that choice but are forced into it?
why would you let hatred or fear creep in and take hold of you?

i can promise you,
that assuming anything...
assuming that time will take care of forgiveness,
assuming that space will make your love grow fonder,
assuming that you will have the chance to make amends,
assuming that your home will still be standing when you pull up...

that is never wise.
i don't care if that is comfortable.
i don't care if you think that is what is best for you at that time.
it's foolish.

you work to gain appreciation.
it is work.
and it is the best and most prolific work you will ever do.

if you have a hard time forgiving? work harder.
if you have a hard time staying happy? work harder.
if you have a hard time maintaining old friendships? work harder.

you just have to work harder and stop making excuses.
you have to realize what you have, what you need, and what you want
and work for it.

because bones break and tires pop and your family will die. they will.

and there are messages everywhere telling you to be grateful already!
there are those who have been on the other side...
where one day they up and lost everything
and they beg people to appreciate what they have,
to say i love yous and thank yous and how are yous
because that may be your last chance.

they beg people to hold on to things,
to cast out fear
and just live
and love

and we ignore them!

assumptions, i think, show a lack of appreciation for possibility.
assumptions are a foolish confidence in a status quo and its endurance.

so honestly?
live life with a little morbidity if it makes you appreciate the fragility of the things we cherish.
have those little "death, dying, ripped from me like a bandaid" thoughts when you're hugging people and writing letters and driving your car and eating and traveling and shopping and working out and whenever.
and cherish... absolutely cherish those moments.

don't channel it into fear. channel it into i-better-get-my-act-together-and-appreciate-what-i-have.

because life works like waves... and sometimes it's nice and you can wade around
and sometimes it's a fatal tsunami.

and there is no telling.

life is fragile.
handle with care.
that is all.

now,
i'm off to spend some time with my family and away from this computer screen.

xo.

if you ask me on a walk, you are my new favorite person.

i love walking.
i really do.

yesterday it rained,
and at first i thought,
"oh, no! no walk today!"
but i'm trying to turn myself into an opportunist
so...

i believe everyone should invest in an amazing umbrella,
because i discovered
that walking in the rain
is just about the greatest thing a person can do on a stormy day.

bonus points if the umbrella is cute,
you are shooting with a new camera (film!),
and you make a few simple discoveries about your neighborhood.

i can absolutely promise you
that the moment you hear the beautiful sound of those raindrops on your umbrella
you will never spend another rainy day completely indoors.

just wear some waterproof shoes, ok?

xo.

mumford&sons.

attn: major mumford&sons geeking out ahead.

ok. so i can finally talk about this now that the dust has settled.
i couldn't even listen to them for days after going to the concert.
i didn't want to revisit the experience because it was just so...
personal.

i mean,
you think mumford&sons is amazing
and then you see them...

and you're like...
mumford&sons is the equivalent of the most beautiful sunrise you have ever seen.

it's like they are on stage just letting you share in an experience instead of performing.
i think mumford&sons music is the definition of being alive.

i don't really care how ridiculous this sounds,
but i just had some real revelations watching those beautiful people up on that stage,
with the sun setting on the salt lake just to the right of us
and the stars shining above
being with some of my favorite people in the world.
it's like the veil was lifted for a few hours
and perspective and light and love shone on all of us.
everyone... i mean everyone... felt it. (we asked)

don't get me started on the fact that they played 'after the storm' as an encore
and stated that they "hadn't played this one in a while"
but they were going to for salt lake city. (!!!)
i will share one day why this song is so special to me and my family
but for now...

i can't pick a favorite,
so i just picked one song.
this video is the closest i have found to what this song was like at the concert:
marcus's passion,
the audience participation,
ted's just pure JOY to be there.

that's what it is...
everyone involved was experiencing a pure JOY and LOVE.

now just imagine marcus yelling even louder,
ben's keyboarding and head-banging even more aggressive,
ted's smile while he plays the bass even brighter,
and the audience just jumping and yelling and crying because they just can't help it.

it's like i never want to go to any other concerts again in my lifetime.
this was THE ONE.

xo.

you have exactly one life.

in light of some recent (sad, yet spectacular) news,
and in light of my doodling this in my journal last week,
and light of my watching this amazing video last night...

i am forever done with wasting time.

sometimes things aren't going to make sense,
especially to other people.
sometimes you just aren't going to have plans.
sometimes your plans are going to change.

but BY GOLLY... your life is going to be amazing.

so if you want to own a bull mastiff and live in a cottage in the woods,
or if you want to learn to play guitar and perform in a night club,
or if you want to master yoga (again, see amazing video above),
or you want to live in new york city with your new husband,
or you want to learn to dance,
or you want to be blonde,
or you want to backpack in europe...

make. it happen. 

if you want to do something in your life,
do it.
no excuses.
make it happen.

get that job you always wanted.
postpone school to spend time in europe.
finish school faster if you love where you are going.
wear that sequin dress for no reason.
dye your hair blue.
send snail mail.
learn to sing.
move to australia if you so choose!

in your life,
you will do
everything you will ever do.

so next week i'm going to ride a jet-ski.
i'm going to spend some time in the mountains,
and i'm going to look at schools outside of the state.
i'm going to talk to old friends
and i'm going to wear my diamond necklace for a casual occasion.

i don't think i will get tired of this thought:
you have exactly ONE LIFE in which to do everything you will ever do.
now is the time to do it.

it's amazing to think that even skills you learned as a child
are going to stay with you.
i want to be ninety years old,
and know how to sing, dance, play the accordion, use an SLR, reprogram a computer, fix a car, speak another language, solve a 5x5 rubik's cube, hold a handstand for 2 minutes, and have six children who are superstars.

you have one body. master it.
you have one mind. nurture it.
learn everything.
do everything.
be everything.

my. oh. my... life is beautiful.

xo.

with strings and keys

as i mentioned earlier, my fella and i were able to attend the symphony!
one of my favorite things about adam is his love for classical music.
actually,
perhaps love is too weak a word for it.
the boy connects with it in such a magnificent way.
it was really one of the first things i fell in love with in him.

towards the beginning of Us,
we'd talk on the phone nearly all night.
i say nearly
because one of us would usually fall asleep.
if i was the one to do so,
and i usually was,
adam would stay on the phone.
i knew this because i could hear the faint sound of a symphony playing in the background as i'd periodically wake to shift positions and drift back to sleep.
without fail,
each time i'd fall asleep
he'd turn his little radio on and listen.
i think this really affected my dreams,
because during this time i had very peaceful and heavenly ones. 

after a while,
when we added little daily email correspondences to our LDR communication standards,
he'd send me little youtube clips of pieces he loved
with little notes like "makes walking to work more epic" and "reminds me of the soft way your curls fall down your back".

i was never really into classical music, per se.
of course, i enjoyed it
but not the way this man did.
this man understood the phrases and harmonies in such a wonderful way.

he told me
that when he was younger
and his mother would go to the grocery store,
he used to ask to stay behind in the car
and turn on the radio to this music
and watch people out the car window
going about their days.
there were songs that made everyone look tragic,
made everyone more attractive,
made the world look bleaker
and made the world look more beautiful.

adam once tried explaining his feelings surrounding it to me.
he said that classical music is not meant to be listened to simply for leisure...
it's almost created to be an accompaniment to life
and all its wonders and hardships and beauty.
the melodies are like listening to human emotions.

adam started sending me clips & challenges to complete while listening to them.

this one would accompany a walk around an airport or train station.

{which had me picturing everything in slow motion and gave strange meaning to the mundane}

this one was to be played on a rainy day.

{which sparked many mental metaphors for umbrellas as they might apply to a grander scheme}

this one while combing/braiding my hair, finishing it with a ribbon, & then applying lipstick. 

{which made me feel quite beautiful, actually}

this one i was to listen to on my way to work as the sun was rising.

{which really filled me with peace and tranquility first thing in the morning}

this one while sitting on a bench watching strangers pass by. 

{which made everyone look rather peculiar and mysterious}

this one was one to be listened to while remaining perfectly still.

{which, naturally, had me in tears within the first ninety seconds... the imagery it evokes!}

i found my world shifting into something much more amazing than the one i lived in before.
my skin seemed softer.
my strides seemed more delicate.
strangers had a greater purpose
and simple and daily occurrences, such as a light breeze, took on a new meaning.
i found myself feeling incredibly grounded and centered.

it manages to pick the whole of you up into its enveloping arms and carry you for 5, 10, 20 minutes and then gently place you back into your life,
branding you & leaving...
yet not abandoning you forever.

we moved from the recognizable to the obscure,
from simpler situations to more complex.
it became a huge part of our exchanges,
of our entire relationship.

part of the reason we enjoyed the movie liberal arts so much
is because they practically took the words out of adam's mouth about classical music.
the two main characters in the film would send classical mixtapes to each other
with similar challenges.
it. was. uncanny.

the symphony the other night moved adam to tears several times,
and i finally, fully understood why:
the passion of the composer, the conductor, the pianists, the cellists...
raw emotion can be created with strings and keys,
and this music demands to be felt... not just heard.

i'd highly recommend we all take The Adam Challenge often:
put on a little tchaikovsy while we ride the waves of normalcy in our lives
and watch the world turn into something beautiful.

do you have any favorite pieces?

not another teen crisis

on thanksgiving,

i surprisingly had a grand meltdown. 

of all the days, right?

i was so very stressed for many reasons:

-since dyeing my hair blonde, it's so damaged that i can rarely wear it down.

-i have hardly been eating at all and gained about 7 lbs in the last 2 months

-my ipod fell and shattered 

-my car is still not working and i heard it could be super pricey to fix

-i'm living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to pay my bills {while living at home!}

-my third new phone in a month is not working

-bruno is going through a rebellious-teen puppy phase and chewing eeeeverything

-for some reason, i can NEVER{!} seem to remember to take redbox movies back

-i've been having heavy, pounding headaches daily

-adam started another job and i barely see the guy anymore

-my skin is starting to go all "before-picture" on me again

to top it off,

i seem to get sick all the time + my body is so sensitive to temps, foods, germs, etc. 

the list goes on,

and it's oh-so overwhelming sometimes. 

i can honestly say that, on paper, my life is in one of the lowest dips it's ever been.

adam came over for t-day 

and i completely acted out on him. 

so unfair!

i was crying and throwing myself onto my bed,

and possibly a pillow or two was thrown across my room {shh!},

but adam remained entirely calm. 

under some sort of odd love spell, he walked over to me, swept my messy hair out of my face,

and said,

"you're not a psycho.

well,

you're partially-psycho for thinking poorly of yourself right now.

but you're a cute partially-psycho chick.

all of this is temporary."

he then proceeds to provide remedies to all my problems

and says that i'm lucky to have a body that is so sensitive and in-tune with the world. 

i just need to stay more protected.

gee,

i never thought of it that way. 

he left me alone to lay in my cocoon of blankets

so i could emerge a grateful butterfly

like i should have been at the start.

so my self-centered meltdown on the day of thanks

ended up being capsized 

and i learned me sum perspective.

i just needed a soft and patient yet large and nerdy black individual to calm my crisis.

plus,

he smelled good

and that's like sweet lovin' for my senses. 

i quite like this adam fella. 

i'm thinking of asking him to go steady with me. 

good idea, no?

what is your ending?

lately,
i have been fascinated by perspective.

there are no facts, only interpretations.

really,
we were all born into a world that had already started.
we're living in on someone else's land,
breathing someone else's air,
reading books that had been read before,
eating food that was around long before we were,
and swimming in seas older than we can imagine.

we're living a secondhand life.

we come into this world to see newness,
to learn, to breathe, to exist in a world that many have already left behind...

but that's the beauty of it all.

we create our world.
we create our lives, our dreams.
we control our thoughts and hopes and fears and wishes.

we take our first steps on land that many had tread prior to us.

we literally control everything.
what we see depends on what we're looking for.

if you search for love,
you will find it.
if you look for pain,
you will find it.
if you look for something to hurt your feelings,
there it will be.
if you look for... and, i dislike this word... "drama",
you will surely find it.

if you look for newness,
for fresh earth,
for clean air,
for beautiful sunshine,
for loving hands,
you will find it.

i think the written word is such a marvelous example of this.
in fact,
the other day i experienced firsthand
what perspective does for a person.
on facebook.
let's just say it was a saddening experience.

these sentences,
can be read in so many different ways:
"but, i love you."
"we are not friends."
"i don't know him."
"let's see where this is going."
"i can't talk right now."

you can read them looking for trouble,
or simply as statements.

the way you read sentences that allow you to insert tone speaks volumes about your general perspective.

the other day,
someone mentioned that a stranger had approached them at school and complimented their outfit.
the speaker defined this as "creepy", since she didn't know the girl,
whereas the girl was simply spreading kindness to a stranger.
it confused the living daylights out of me.

you have the complete ability to choose your reactions.

i've told this story many times,
but here we go again.

there are two boys playing on the beach,
collecting seashells and chasing each other.
a huge wave sneaks up on them and knocks them down.
they are hurt, with sand in their suits and their shells have spilled everywhere.
the boys react instantly:
one boy begins to cry, cursing the sea for hurting him.
the other begins to laugh at the surprise and helps the other boy up.

the exact same wave. the same experience. two perspectives.

i see this all the time when i ask people what scares them.
many people choose not to drive, to avoid the deep end, to steer clear of fires,
because they have been burned in the past, they experienced an accident, they are frightened because of what they have witnessed.

they choose to keep these things out of their lives.

people have these scars all over their bodies,
all over their souls.
don't let it stop you from moving.
don't let it dampen your sense of adventure.
don't let these things stop you.
don't let anything stop you!

don't let a bad day make you think you have a bad
relationship,
job,
class,
friendship,
life.

admittedly,
i have been entirely too ungrateful for everything.

i see fat on my thighs instead of two capable legs that allow me to walk, run, and dance.
i see imperfections in my handwriting instead of seeing a steady hand able to write.
i focus on how little sleep i get or how i am allergic to so many foods instead of the blessings of a bed, food, and shelter.

i put up dams in my river instead of letting water flow under the bridge and just enjoying the stream.

you choose happiness.
you choose sadness.
you choose your strength.
you choose your life.

you choose your life. 


will it be beautiful?

---

{print by me. i kinda love it}

one of those days

sometimes,
it's one of those days.

the kind where you get upset really easily,
where you find yourself walking home from the grocery store
by choice
7.3 miles
uphill
in dollar store sandals.

sometimes it's one of those days
where you get unlucky on your walk
and your shoe breaks,
where you run into 4 different signs telling you the sidewalk is closed
and you must find your way through the detour in unfamiliar neighborhoods.

it can sometimes be one of those days
where you don't want to talk to anyone
and you arrive home
only to take your car out again
and ride to the deserted side of a parking lot
and hope no one can hear you scream from the driver's seat.

sometimes you can read all the quotes in the world,
think of all the good advice you've ever received,
and still want to throw your hands up
because you simply do not care,
because it's just one of those days.

if you're lucky,
on one of these days,
you will have someone waiting for you.

someone who biked uphill
7.3 miles
in black clothing
on a hot day
with an old coke bottle holding sunflowers
and open arms.

if you're lucky,
you will come home wanting to cry,
wanting to take scissors to the stupid shoes you wore
and throw the purple rubber pieces at anyone who crosses you,

but you will see someone has run a bath for you
and has the laptop netflix ready,
has written you a letter,
has your favorite bottled stress relief on your bed,
and you will take a deep breath for the first time in several hours.

on one of those days,
sometimes,
you will sit your achey body down on your bed
and suddenly things don't seem so bad anymore.

suddenly your walk doesn't seem as treacherous,
and you remember seeing children playing games you remember all too well.
you remember seeing a pack of dogs on a little farm who were ready to greet you.
you remember finding a little neighborhood full of cute little houses,
smelling backyard barbeques,
watching families on nightly bike rides.

you remember the way the trees smelled along the path.
you remember walking through sprinklers.
you remember the way the sun set.

but you can't seem to remember why you were so upset.

sometimes it's one of those days,
where it can start one awful, terrible way
and end in a completely different, wonderful fashion.

i had one of those days,
and i am very lucky.

adventure is out there

those who know me,
know i loooove this movie.
i love being an explorer.
i love having adventures.
i love love.
i love dogs.
i love balloons.
i love chubby asian children in scout uniforms!

this movie is fantastic.
top 5 definitely.

it took me a very, very long time to see it.
oh yeah, i went with my family to the midnight premiere when it came out,
but i was so sick that i moved to my own row in the theatre, put all the arm rests up, and fell asleep.
sad.

there was a day when the straw broke the camel's back
and i just wanted to give up.
i cried and cried.
out of NOWHERE i thought of this movie and how i haven't seen it.
i had a bath and rested my laptop on the sink in the bathroom.
good ol netflix had this movie streaming, just ready to go.

wow.
talk about a movie to watch when you're feeling hopeless.
it was a magnificent transition of desperate tears to happy tears.


there are huge adventures in life.
sky diving, safari, rock climbing {though this movie made me a little wary of that last one}.
there are adventures to be had.
but the humble things we do in our everyday life are the real adventures.


every moment of your life is a chance to do something beautiful and amazing.
make an event out of everything you do.


yesterday i watched this brilliant movie again.
today i was an adventurer.
I...
... put a PB smiley face on my toast this morning
... pretended to have an argument with my dog
... tried on an amazing $300+ dress with no intention of purchasing
... dropped over 50 folded up pieces of paper around a store, all with the same invitation to the discoverer: "love yourself today, for you are a miracle"
... planted plastic flowers in a stranger's yard
... spelled the names of the beatles members with my lunch
... called an old friend
... received and wrote some post cards to strangers {via here. i love getting them in the mail!}
... rode in my amazing car with the top down, before it rained that is...
... talked with my grandmother about her favorite old movies {she's a big cary grant fan. we have that in common}
... went for a walk alone in the rain
... spent time crafting with red glitter {more on that later}
... day dreamed about the future.

and guess what?
these things probably only took about TWO HOURS of my life TOPS.
that left me 22 hours of march 16th left to do whatever i wanted. 
so simple.
and it's the simple things that give life meaning...
that might sound boring, but i think the boring stuff is the stuff i remember the most. 
those little "boring", "every day" things that become memorable and momentous just because they are part of your life.

every thing you do... it's a chance to be great,
something to log in your adventure book.

adventure is out there.

ohhhhhh and while we're on the subject of this movie... i want to share something that has stayed in my mind since the first time i saw it on this blog last year.
i. love. it.
i want to steal their idea.

up + love/marriage = ayley wants to cry when these pictures come into view.
i mean... an ellie badge??
people be mahvelous.

today, i had an adventure.
now, go have one of your own.

testing...testing... onetwothree

this is a test.
a test to see if i can sit at the computer calmly and let my fingers work their fine motor magic
 instead of doing what i want them to do...

...which is balling them into a fist and smashing through fragile materials.

i have not ever wanted to destroy fine china more in my life.
all i want right now is to take all the plates out of my cupboards and run out into the street and smash them and scream  my lungs out,

because yesterday i was that piece of fragile glass sitting calmly on a shelf.

this is a kind of emotion that makes it extremely hard to sit still and vent through the soul
because all i want to do is use my body to vent and destroy
and hope to create peace for myself.

this is a kind of emotion that has moved past emotional pain and has slowly leaked into my physical being and is now trying to leak out of me and into my environment.

this is a kind of emotion that crying won't heal, that emotional release won't fix, and that cannot be held down long enough to be rocked back to sleep.

this is a test.

throughout typing this is have been crying and breathing heavily and wanting to take a machete to a flat screen and watch the smiling people on the screen blow up in the burst of electrical destruction i created. it is extremely hard to sit still. i find stillness one of the most beautiful things in life and this emotion is not allowing me to experience that.

i hate this test right now. hate is a strong word. yes, i used it.

this emotion is hate. i hate the powerlessness that i feel right now... hate the anger, the sadness, the lack of control, the fear, the crying, the heat, the fatigue, the inner turmoil.

but hey, ayley... you gotta test everything before you use it. you have to test to get into schools and test to get grades. you need tests for diseases, for loyalty, for trust, for functionality.

you need tests for accuracy and for security.

most of all we are tested for knowledge and surety.
i am testing my self control right now. i'm sitting down venting and trying to breathe deeply so that i know that i can resist the urge to be physically aggressive. i'm testing for the knowledge that i can make myself feel better without any environmental casualties.

this is a test.
so testing. testing...
one
two
three...

is it working?

life is a test, ayley. we don't always know the answers. not everyone takes the same test. you can't always cheat off of someone else's paper. you've managed to type these words without smashing through the keyboard and your tears have almost dried.

you passed.
if you can pass your own tests then you can pass this one.
you are just being tested in much bigger way here.
this is no small test you are facing.
now to the harder questions...

you can do it.
good luck.
{photo via left wing star}

i love you and i don't know who you are

i was on the plane
going to DC
when suddenly i saw something shine in front of me.

a million different things went through my mind...
what could it be?
- a penny
- a diamond
- tin foil
- a flashlight
- a disco ball
- a necklace

etcetera.

i leaned forward in my seat and tried to locate the source of the glimmer.
i found it on the head of an old man sitting next to his wife of 48 years.

i stared at his bronze/white hair as the airplane lights shined on it
and i felt this OVERWHELMING feeling of being at home.

i saw my husband in the future, with bronzey-white hair
and i felt so much love for him at that moment.
i felt what it is like to love someone for that long,
that you want to tear up when you look at the way the airplane lights shine on their hair
and you reminisce about when there was more of it
and it was a sandy blonde color
and you loved the way it blew around when you were young and careless in the convertible you bought to take a road trip across the country.

you look at his hair, which has lost all pigment, and think about how you will never stop running your fingers through it,
how your daughters once tried to curl it,
how you have cut it on so many late nights after the kids have gone to bed,
how he still has that cowlick he had as a child...
how nothing has changed and, yet, how everything has changed.

i watched as he lifted his hands to his head to slick what little hair he had back and then brought them back down to rest on his wife's lap. they just sat in silence, as all the years they had between them sang out at that moment.

i don't know who my future husband is.
he's nothing but a blurry photograph in my mind.

but i love him.
and i will love him for time and all eternity.
{photo via papertissue}

taste the rainbow

whenever i have a bag of skittles {which is like... never... unless hannah has them and i steal them}
i focus on the whole thing.
when i look at that annoyingly crinkly package i pretend like i have x ray vision and i try to look through to see all the little colored, artificially flavored raindrops that would soon be in my mouth.
i look at a pack of skittles as a pack of skittles.

one item.

as a whole.

a bag o skittles.

i was at work the other day handing out these little skittley candies to children
and they each got just one.
with a palm full of skittles i walked to each of them and they picked out their one skittle.
one kid wanted green because it was the color of his shirt.
one wanted purple because it kind of looked like brown.
one wanted red because he said it tasted like apple. and his mom's favorite food is apple.
i watched them holding the skittle, taking time to admire it and compare it to their friends' before popping  it in their mouth and savoring that tiny little piece of candy.

i thought, "these babies are happy with a tiny, individual spherical treat"
they don't look at the whole bag.
they didn't want any more than that one skittle.

at that moment i realized that in life i'm often looking at the whole palm of skittles.
if someone presented me with a palm full then i wouldn't be thinking about just one.
it would take me forever to decide what color i wanted because i would have to pick just one.
these kids just made beautiful little decisions based on something simple and lovely
and they picked their skittle accordingly.

they were thinking about the little pleasures in life
like their mom's favorite food
or the fact that sometimes colors look like other colors
or the fact that they can match their candy to their clothes.
they weren't thinking about all the other colors and flavors they would be missing out on.
just the one they were about to enjoy.

for that moment, they were eating something that tasted like memories of their mom, reminded them that sometimes life can be silly, and that it's cool that there are so many parallels in their world.

they say that you can taste the rainbow with skittles, but you have to taste every color to eat the whole rainbow.
i am constantly wanting to taste the rainbow in life.
constantly.

this little moment reminded me that sometimes tasting the rainbow is really just enjoying one color for a while
for all its purple/green/red/yellow/orange glory.

spend a lil time getting into the colors individually.
red can be so many things.
green can include so many memories.
yellow can allow you to feel so many things.

all the colors are all part of the rainbow...

... so why not ride it one hue at a time?
{photo via skittles.com}

he never ever saw it coming at all. {incomplete until i find you}

i saw (500) Days of Summer today. 

again. 

this would be the third time. 

and at the moment i'm home feeling rather sick, both emotionally and physically. 

i don't know why. {well i know why, kindasortamaybe}  

and at this moment i'd like you to take the time out and play a little background music before you keep reading. 

but hurry back.

here. {but open it in a new window}

back? okay. let's do this.

it got me thinking a lot about soul mates.

did you heart just go all a-flutter? thought so.

what a lovely idea,

an idea that we have all been taught from a very young age.

i personally loved the idea.

honestly i didn't understand how soul mates could NOT exist.

someone out there who is the other half of your soul.

in fact...

if you've ever read plato's symposium...

he basically says that zeus made these powerful creatures with four arms, four legs, two faces, etc. but with one soul. he saw how powerful these creatures were and felt threatened. 

so, rather than kill them, he split them and placed them on the earth to reside apart. so everyone's soul is not fully complete without its other half.

that's when you are truly whole and powerful.

lovely.

{as soon as the song stops go back and start it over... it's a shorty but necessary if you want to keep reading}

what a journey it must be to find your other half.

what a feeling it must be to have found them

and know that they've been looking for you, too.

i fell in love with this idea growing up. it just makes sense.

i mean... 

what if cinderella hadn't had a fairy godmother to assist her in meeting her other half?

she'd still be cleaning for her stepmother.

snow white just wouldn't have woken up without her soulmate's kiss.

sleeping beauty would have stayed asleep if it hadn't been for her prince.

soul mates...

save you.

love you.

complete you.

the movie "the graduate" just didn't make sense to me.

there was no happy ending.

no one found their soul mate.

nonsense. what a silly movie.

suddenly, however,

no movie has made more sense to me than (500) days of summer.

does it have a happy ending?

yes and no.

it's real.

you could be in either position, summer or tom.

just see it if you haven't. please.

it's hard to find your soulmate, but when you find them you just know.

tired but true.

you may not know right away.

you may know in an instant.

you may be looking for a long time.

you may find them tomorrow.

you may suddenly realize the person you are with is the person you share a soul with, and you combine and become truly powerful.

you may never find them in this life.

you may have already found them.

they're looking for you, too.

what a difficult thing.

half of your soul is out there.

many of us give up.

i frankly want to.

i mean... you saw "the graduate", right?

it's hard!

how do you know?

i'm going to quote the movie now:

"Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew. 

Tom: Knew what? 
Summer: What I was never sure of with you."

but what if you are "sure" and the other one isn't? 

what if it all falls apart?

then what??

again, i quote his little sister from the movie:

"Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Next time you look back, I think you should look again."

i have a friend that was sure she was going to marry two different guys that she's dated. 

they had all these things that she loved {and grew to love}.

but they're not her soulmates.

this is what she woke up and "just knew",

though it was a long time coming.

these relationships were just stepping stones. necessary and great and beautiful parts of her life that are going to take her closer and closer to The One.

when she looked back, she looked again and saw that they were just pieces that didn't fit perfectly.

how hard is it?

very.

you're trying to find a perfect fit.

i am yearning for my other half.

i want to wake up one day and "just know".

are they really out there? are they standing right in front of me?

i don't know.

so much to be unsure about.

so much heartache.

i know it will be hard

but i'm not giving up.

no matter how many times i have to pick up the pieces.

no matter how many times i find someone who is an "almost"

and no matter how many times i either

a) get my heartbroken or

b) break someone else's heart.

i won't stop trying to get that certainty i'm  looking for.

even though it's so hard. 

{i might be crying thinking about it}