things i wish i said.

(via)

after competition this weekend,
and my girls often receiving low-ish scores
i drove home lost in thought about appreciation, fame, etc.

why some dances scored so well,
why some tv shows are massive hits,
why some actors never make it big time,
why some things never go viral on the internet and others do.

then i get home to find this lovely bunch of words waiting for me on my computer,
something i wish had some from my own mind:

"some people so deserving of fame will never meet it. simply because they are too special to be so widely spread. those people are meant to be left concentrated and whole. with only the right ears hearing their words. and only the right people inspired by their vision."
-emily shock

some things are meant for a widespread applause
and some things are meant to touch only a couple of people in the deepest of places
and there is just no use in changing who you are merely to accomplish the former
because that's just plain silly.

both are just great ways of being
and one should not be discouraged either way.

there are people that need your vision.
there are people that need to hear what you have to say.

you just have to find them.

xo.

this teenager.

meet my youngest sister, sadie.
yes,
that is her natural hair color.
and her skin seems untouched by the sun.
and her measurements are near perfect.
and her eyelashes nearly touch her eyebrows
and she, like, lays around all day, never washes her face, and eats like crap
and is so, so naturally beautiful
and blessed, to say the least!

but above that,
she's a spectacular dancer
and an extremely funny person
who constantly has me bending over in laughter.

gosh,
i'm just so lucky to be attached to these amazing people!
and also so blessed that they will let me pull them out of bed to take pictures of them on a whim...
i just can't help it!
i love my family so much.

xo.

the reader.

meet my sister, hannah.

nobody reads like this girl does.
she spends hours & hours with her nose in books.
she always wants to head to the library on her bike.
for christmas, birthdays, valentines day, etc...
she asks for books
or reading lights
(or maybe help paying her hefty library fine...).

she reads books she doesn't even enjoy
because she loves to read
and believes in the power of words
and has to give them a chance.

the other day she told me that she thinks about reading all the time
and wants to read all the time
and that her future husband will know this
and he will read to her when she drives or as she falls asleep
or when she can't hold a book herself.

she's a fascinating human being
(who also happens to be extremely beautiful, as evidenced above).
meet, The Reader.

xo.

love week pt 2

when we visited dc,
we had one of our new best photographriends, amelia johnson,
shoot us to commemorate our first official trip back there,
since we met there 'n all.

and oh. my. goodness.

all i can say is go over to her blog. and like her on facebook.
and maybe email or comment on everything she does.
she deserves it
and then some.

you do not know sweetness or happiness until you meet amelia johnson
who is probably julia child reincarnate. that's our theory.

these images are so, so dear to me.
we woke up that morning and i was stressing out, as usual,
and, as usual, adam had the lucky job of getting me to calm down,
which he is very good at
which is probably sad
because my anxiety is really bad
so he's gotten really good at it with practice.
but anyways...

when i was getting short of breath and hyperventilating a bit,
he came over and gently took my belongings out of my hands and placed them on the floor
and took my hands and said "hey. look at me" in probably the sweetest way possible.

then he asked me to trust him to carry us,
to let go when i lose control and trust that he will be able to carry us back to dry land.
and i cannot tell you how unbelievably lucky i felt at that moment as i nodded.

then while we were hanging out with amelia,
there was a moment where she asked adam to gently grab my waist
and for me to look at him like i was just melting.
it was incredibly moving and so relevant to our conversation that morning
that i had tears in my eyes for a moment.

i knew that adam accepted me for all my faults and imperfections
and that no matter what happened
i could always freely hand myself over
and i would always be loved in an entirely free and fearless way.

because... how on earth did our relationship even happen?
why did we meet each other on the train? and how?
have we really only known each other for four years?
how... in this crazy world, when we both lived miles and miles apart
and there are 6 billion other people wandering this planet...
how did we find each other?

these are questions we ask ourselves daily
and it doesn't really matter
but we know we are the lucky ones
and these pictures only cement that in my heart.


we connect to this song so much
so listen to it when you head over to amelia's blog for more (seriously, she is a gem!),
if you so choose.

happy love week!
go kiss all your loved ones!

xo.

to kick off love week...

earlier this month we got to play dress up and play pretend in a style shoot for amber lynn photography!
all i can think of while looking at these pictures
is how absolutely cold it was
(& how i wished i had worn a sweater to cover up my arms
for a number of reasons...)
and how fun it was to do this shoot with amber!
it made it totally worth it and we forgot how cold it was when she'd be shooting...
she's so wonderful!

amber is the sweetest girl to work with
and we had so much fun hanging out with her,
as well as with crystal from signature brides!
and those macaroons were to die for! get a hold of forget me not cake co. if you don't believe us!
we actually tucked a bunch of them in a napkin as we were leaving... :)

and just so you know, that's amber's pretty ring that i'm wearing in this styled shoot...
not mine! ;)


even though it was so cold (i mean... sooooo cold),
we wanted to sit at that table for hours!
it was so lovely.

head over to utah bride blog to see more
and make sure you check out amber lynn photography!

xo.

settle down.

i wasn't a big fan of her initially,
but for some reason i am all over this right now.

the whole color story,
the imagery,
the fashion,
her sweet moves...
it's got my name written all over it.

good golly gosh, i am easily inspired and i know it.
but i'm getting all kinds of inspiration from kimbra here.

i'm also sensing a dye-job in my near future...

enjoy!






xo.

merry christmas from my family to yours.

this time in my life is so difficult.
i have so many things going on that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy
and it got really easy for me to be selfish.

i told my dad i didn't want Christmas. i asked him to make it go away.

this is what he sent me in response:

"I think about the families in Connecticut and their Christmas. I think about the family who went sledding the other day and lost their little boy. I think about the tsunami victims. Those who lost their children the day after Christmas. The thing they want most for Christmas is something they can't have. Their children. Their loved ones. Breaks my heart. I even feel guilty. My family has never been touched by tragedy. There are things I want in my life. We sometimes feel lonely. Our jobs eat at us. Dark clouds hang over our heads. But the things we want are trivial compared to those others. So what do we do? What can we do? Here is what those other families would want us to do: help as many people as we can and be ever so grateful for what we have. One reason we are blessed is to help others. As for celebrating christmas, those families would want us to enjoy our own families. They would want us to gather, share gifts, play games. I'm reminded of the end of saving Private Ryan. "Earn this." So I'm going to try and earn this. Be so, so grateful. God wants us to celebrate His Son's birth. Do that by giving, sharing, and being grateful."

my family was able to help more than 50 children have a better Christmas this year.
we are all together and happy
and so, so blessed.
i cherish them.
what i did to deserve being born into this family, i will never know.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

xo.

good.

i got this from my sister this afternoon

and i didn't know how to answer right away.

i've been very, very affected by the tragedy this weekend. 

so much so that i am hardly able to function. 

it feels so wrong of me to feel this way

because it didn't happen to me. 

it's almost selfish of me to feel this pain when so many are directly affected and feel so much more.

but i feel it. 

it's there. 

it's so difficult. 

i mean... just writhing in pain. 

i don't need to understand anything.

no one ever will.

but i have my answer to my sister's question.

good.

there is more good in this world. 

sometimes Evil just shouts over all else,

so much louder

and it demands to be seen

but then it runs out of breath

and Good keeps humming its tune...

it's steady, beautiful, constant tune.

and when Evil shouts,

Good is there to soothe.

every time.

you just have to look for it.

what a powerful thought.

xo.

a tender hearted girl.

i don't like talking about myself in this way... but i think what i'm feeling right now needs to be documented.

my psychology professor brought his wife to class today. 

she is a cancer survivor and just an all around sweetheart. 

she gave us a little speech about how everyone is a survivor of something,

how pain is good for us,

how rocks aren't polished unless they get bits of them knocked off. 

it really got to me.

after class,

everyone rushed up to tell her how amazing she was

and to thank her for inspiring them.

as usual, i slipped into wallflower mode: 

i avoided the rush 

and decided to look at the pictures on the wall of the past student body officers from 1960 to now.

i approached her after the crowd had dulled 

still with tears in my eyes,

feeling pretty embarrassed about them streaming down my cheek.

i apologized for letting my emotions get the best of me

and told her how touched i was by her words.

she looked at me with intense sincerity and said,

"i noticed you earlier in the class, sitting silently and observing everyone and everything.

you are going to do good things with your life.

i don't know how i know this, but i just do. 

i feel it.

because you are a tender hearted girl

and the world needs more of those."

she then hugged me
and told me that i should always be proud of that because it is who i am.

i cannot fully comprehend the impact this has had on me,
because i am still in the processing stage,
but those words have changed me.

i'm tender hearted...

i'm not overly sensitive.
i'm not creepy or a "stalker" for appreciating things with a great magnitude.
i'm not a psycho, crazy, emotional woman.


i understand i only spoke with this woman for three minutes,
but it has shed a new light on who i am.


i am a tender-hearted girl
who is capable of so much love
and who is also capable of feeling so much hurt.
my tender heart
makes me love deeply
and hurt deeply.

the world wants me to believe that being tender hearted is a bad thing
and i for so long have believed it.

i am sensitive
and i am emotional
and i do express myself a lot
and i do put my heart outside of my own body so that others might experience it
but that also makes me easier to wound.

i will need to be protected and shielded in my lifetime
and the pain i've experienced in the last month will not be the worst i will face

and i don't care anymore
because i now know that the world needs me as a tender hearted girl.

Tender Hearts Club now recruiting members.

xo.

albert seveso.

how cool are these underwater ink photographs from albert seveso?

just stunning! 

i love the metallic ones. 

people are so creative!

via.

xo.

dancing in the dark.

this is other worldly.

i'm so inspired by gestures and i love to use simple, minimalist, relatable things in my own choreography...
but this?!
breathtakingly complex and amazing.
ugh!
gestures are just so beautiful!

if you haven't seen this, yet, please watch the whole thing.
it is so stunning.

plus,
once i got to talk to matt luck
and it was one of the highlights of my life.
his mind is just on a different wavelength.

choreography by matt luck.
danced by emma portner and himself.






xo.

mumford&sons.

attn: major mumford&sons geeking out ahead.

ok. so i can finally talk about this now that the dust has settled.
i couldn't even listen to them for days after going to the concert.
i didn't want to revisit the experience because it was just so...
personal.

i mean,
you think mumford&sons is amazing
and then you see them...

and you're like...
mumford&sons is the equivalent of the most beautiful sunrise you have ever seen.

it's like they are on stage just letting you share in an experience instead of performing.
i think mumford&sons music is the definition of being alive.

i don't really care how ridiculous this sounds,
but i just had some real revelations watching those beautiful people up on that stage,
with the sun setting on the salt lake just to the right of us
and the stars shining above
being with some of my favorite people in the world.
it's like the veil was lifted for a few hours
and perspective and light and love shone on all of us.
everyone... i mean everyone... felt it. (we asked)

don't get me started on the fact that they played 'after the storm' as an encore
and stated that they "hadn't played this one in a while"
but they were going to for salt lake city. (!!!)
i will share one day why this song is so special to me and my family
but for now...

i can't pick a favorite,
so i just picked one song.
this video is the closest i have found to what this song was like at the concert:
marcus's passion,
the audience participation,
ted's just pure JOY to be there.

that's what it is...
everyone involved was experiencing a pure JOY and LOVE.

now just imagine marcus yelling even louder,
ben's keyboarding and head-banging even more aggressive,
ted's smile while he plays the bass even brighter,
and the audience just jumping and yelling and crying because they just can't help it.

it's like i never want to go to any other concerts again in my lifetime.
this was THE ONE.

xo.

electra heart

first of all...
how stunning is she??

secondly,
do yourselves a favor and pick up marina & the diamonds new album,  
but only do it if you like dancing in your car. or in your room. or anywhere, really.


we already know how much i love her,
but let me say again:
she is the coolest person ever.

i am a sucker for pouty people who scream individuality,
so maybe i'm a little biased...

but you know...
do it anyway!

xo.

TFIOS

if you've been keeping up with my Twitter Love Bursts
for The Fault In Our Stars,
well,
you've certainly been missing out. ;)

i'd recommend this book to any living creature that can read.
i've not connected with words on pages like this in so very long.

and if john green's book wasn't enough to make me fall in love with his mind,
here's a quote from the man that made me entirely happy about being enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness:

"hank, i didn’t see the harry potter on midnight of opening day like you did, but i went to see it last night with the yeti and we were sitting there, like, thirty minutes before it started and the theater was filling up and i was like, ‘i am so excited about the harry potter movie! i get to see luna lovegood and i’m gonna’ cry at the end.’ and then i really liked the movie because it was funny, but it was also sad, and it didn’t tell destructive lies about teenage sexuality like some other movies i’ve seen recently. and ron weasley has gotten so buff. i mean, hank, the movie was great, but the thirty minutes before the movie started was what i love about being a nerd. because nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff. we don’t have to be like, ‘oh yeah, that purse is okay’ or like, ‘yeah, i liked that band’s early stuff.’ nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff,’ which is just not a good insult at all. like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness.’”

oh, and here is another for good measure...
which is actually the quote that got my sister & i hooked on his words:

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

i can't just leave it at that:

“I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.”

"The way I figure it, everyone gets a miracle. Like, I will probably never be struck by lightening, or win a Nobel Prize, or become the dictator of a small nation in the Pacific Islands, or contract terminal ear cancer, or spontaneously combust. But if you consider all the unlikely things together, at least one of them will probably happen to each of us. I could have seen it rain frogs. I could have stepped foot on Mars. I could have been eaten by a whale. I could have married the Queen of England or survived months at sea. But my miracle was different. My miracle was this: out of all the houses in all the subdivisions in all of Florida, I ended up living next door to Margo Roth Spiegelman." 

"Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."

you might want to consider being a raving fan with me.

never hide

the-fairest

i have kelli to thank for this. 

if you're in the mood to be wonderfully inspired, please visit this blog.

you're welcome.

a day in the life

isn't that rad?

hailey & trevor are two cool people.

love it.

{also, i get all bellyachey when i remember that she is younger than me. what a talented pair, those haugens!}

some people that i wish i knew

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

it's magic.
one of the best songs +
ultimate teamwork.

so. frickin. rad.

obsessed

from the cool minds of matt cady & meg lawson.

matt cady writes a song for meg lawson.
meg lawson makes a video for matt cady with his songy song in it.

it's quirky, silly, cool, weird
and i can't stay away from it.
clearly, little inside jokes are present.
but so intriguing.
like watching an alien flower bloom
and being unable to look away.

giuliana

in case you haven't already heard...

this story just amazes me.

so if you don't watch their show,
{i don't... my mom filled me in :) }
giuliana & bill have been on a long journey trying to have a baby
lots of different medical tests, procedures, etc.
with no luck.
they want to have a baby so badly,
but things haven't gone their way.

when trying to carry out their most recent attempt with in vitro,
her doctor recommended she get a mammogram,
as she had never had one.

that's when giuliana found out she had breast cancer.

so,
her next medical procedure, rather than being directed toward starting a family,
would instead be surgery to save her life.

after undergoing a double lumpectomy,
and multiple subsequent surgeries,
they got the news that they hadn't removed all of her cancer.

i quote:
“If I’d chosen to just do another lumpectomy and then do radiation,
 and then do anti-estrogen therapy,
which means two to five years of medication,
that basically puts me into early menopause.
Then I would have to put off having a baby for several years.
So that was something we took into account.
But to be honest, at the end it came down to choosing to live and not looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.”


so in order for them to continue in their journey to have a baby,
she is going to undergo

a double mastectomy. 

talk about love, dedication, and sacrifice for your family.

her desire to keep living 
and sacrifice vanity & her body for a greater cause,
her desire to have children,
to start her family
and continue on that journey,
is overwhelmingly inspiring.

i cannot even imagine.

i really hope they continue to live long & strong
and i hope
they get their dream baby.

amazing, inspiring little story.