i know exactly what i want and who i want to be

it's about time i talk about marina and the diamonds
because she is incredible.

y'all have already heard of her
{i mean... she's touring with mrs. brand for crying out loud... and oh how i wish i was going}
she deserves to have her praises sung nonetheless.

once, a couple years back, she came here and did a show for $7 at kilby court.
awesome, right?
i adore her.

her blog is brilliant.
her pouty voice is to die for.
her lyrics are just wonderful.



is she just the most adorable thing ever, or WHAT?

my favorite thing about her, however,
has to be that she croons to us about being a living, breathing individual.
about not being a robot,
about the human experience and how difficult it is to keep yourself and your individuality at the forefront of everything you do.

it's hard!
i'm sure you've noticed
it's a common theme in my blogginz.
lemme tell you.

when i was a tinier, newer person,
i wanted to copy eevveeryyoonee and everything i admired.
if someone wore butterfly clips in their hair,
i did.
if someone i wanted to be friends with wore shirts with a huge "old navy" on them {and oh, how those were everyone in elementary school},
i asked my mother to get me one.
i just had my obsessions with these people and their lives.

{oooh how funny you are, ayley. just ha-ha-hilarious.}


i would adopt their favorite colors, bands, sayings, mannerisms...


and when i was a tot, it really wasn't because i was insecure with myself,
but rather that the world around me was so inspiring and cool, i wanted to be a part of it.
it was pure at first. 
like a sponge, though.
i mean if a sponge soaks up lemon pledge,
the sponge itself doesn't actually smell citrus-y and refreshing.
oh, lemon pledge. el.oh.el.


anyways,
it took me a long time to realize that i was just a doll with different patches being sewn onto the surface and nothing was really getting inside to my tiny, beating doll heart.
{i love referring to myself as a doll. it makes me feel cute.}


these were just things i was soaking up.
i really didn't have direction.

it was just heartbreaking the day i lost friends because i was just a "copy-cat",
or when i was filling out a getting-to-know-you questionnaire at a new school and i have no idea what to write down. 
THAT is when the insecurity started. 
i had to paint a picture of a person i didn't even know... so how could anyone else?


i figure this is something i knew i would have to deal with in the pre-existence,
because i knew i could handle it
and come out so much stronger in the end.
because i could see the big picture,
how difficult it was
and how incredibly, breath-takingly rewarding it is.

 because i'm past it,
i have a HUGE appreciation for myself.

i mean,
the coal to diamond cliche totally applies here.


miss marina reminds me of this struggle every time i listen to her beautiful stories
about being real
about fighting the forces that cloud your being...
and i feel like we're bffs
because i can relate wholeheartedly to what she is singing in my ear.


it's a beautiful thing when you embrace yourself as a legend.
when you are able to talk about yourself without worrying what others are thinking.
when you can walk and talk the way you, really, were born to do.

i'm not a mirror anymore.
i am not a walking, talking machine,
and i'm sooo grateful that i have earned the ability to say that
and mean it.

i love considering my own fears, loves, faults, strengths
when taking steps in a direction.

i still have the desire to admire people and become like them,
but i realized this is because i have shiny glimpses of these qualities inside of myself and it just reflects my wishes to develop that glittering side of my soul.

my favorite feeling right now is when i'm listening to music
like who says, unwritten, firework, and basically all of marina's awesome songs,
watching amazing documentaries,
reading inspiring stories
and feeling that super tingly gut feeling that just grounds you, makes you breathe a little deeper, roll your shoulders back and just be YOU completely in that moment,
because you know exactly what you want and who you want to be.

it's shout-from-the-highest-mountain-at-the-top-of-your-lungs,
tears-streaming-down-your-face-because-you-love-life,
and not-being-able-to-sit-still-and-can't-imagine-how-you-have-ever-frowned
kind of happiness.

just happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappy!!!

go listen to your favorite songs,
be with your favorite people,
wear your favorite clothes,
paint your nails your favorite color,
eat your favorite foods....

just be YOU today!!!

marina is amazing.
anyone that uses their art to communicate this subject is stellar in my book.

on her page she states,
"i'm marina. you are the diamonds."

so i'm a diamond.
you should be, too.