*sigh* moms, right?

you are looking at a shot i sneakily snapped on saturday of my mom cleaning my house.

please also note the overripe bananas hanging over our fruit basket because i completely forgot about them and that is how terribly hard my week was. my week can be described by overripe bananas.
i don't have a picture of someone throwing out a perfectly good box of donuts, or a shot of someone making a loathsome face at the world's cutest puppy, but either of those snaps could adequately describe it as well.
after a teary phone call from me on saturday morning, my mama promptly asked what time she could come over
aaand didn't leave until 11 pm.

she ordered us a pizza and talked life, all while reorganizing, scrubbing, shifting, dusting, rearranging, wiping, and staying busy making my house shine like the top of the chrysler building.
my pantry is a little fuller and carpet a little softer.

three cheers for all of motherkind -
the only breed of human that will consistently enjoy scrubbing their babies' kitchens when they're all grown up and thinks "thank you and i don't deserve this" is a preposterous thing to say.

thanks, mama, for making me so happy-hearted.

xo.

this first christmas.

it's still christmassy over here
because i was sick for the first few days before, during, and few days after christmas
and who am i kidding? i'm still sick. going over a month strong. it's a pesky cold that has, like, a crush on me or something. if it doesn't leave me alone tomorrow, i'm filing for a restraining order. or making a doctor's appointment. either one.
point is: christmas is being carried on for my sake and i'm a very grateful girl.

and so,
about christmas...

adam & i spent christmas eve with my family. my mom is such a great cook and always decorates her home so wonderfully for christmas time. i wish i had taken more pictures but i had fingers to lick and a husband to cuddle.

i will hold the memories of this christmas eve so dear.
i had dreams of spending it all with my husband and having our first christmas with our own traditions and our own gift exchanges and pies and treats and everything nice,
but what happened instead was so delightful i could burst.
it was the first time in a very, very long time that we had all my siblings together
so we boycotted the annual talent show in favor of lengthy chats and mild wrestling matches.
adam seemed as though he was walking on air spending time with his new brother and sisters
and i had "i love my family!" running like a marquee through my head while watching them interact.
watching him so delighted made me feel like that marquee was running right on into his head, too.
*sigh* i loved it.

a rarer than rare group shot! ^^^

adam had to work on christmas morning,
so we took advantage of the fact that brotha works at a hotel and stayed the night so we could have a little christmas morning of our own in the room.

i love hotels, man.

 a couple of gifts pictured above:
some family from los angeles were visiting over christmas and they brought us some lemons that they grew in their very own backyard. and the hotel kindly gave us some yuletide taffy which has occupied me both in the golly-this-tastes-wonderful sense and the why-does-this-so-easily-stick-to-my-molars sense. my mouth is a dental hygienist's nightmare after the stuff.

we high-tailed it to my mom's house for christmas festivities after adam was done working
and i sort of love that i have very few pictures of christmas day
because that itself is evidence of a day well-spent.

i tried to soak up the last few days that bruno could wear his christmas sweater
but, truth is, it's still on him as he's laying at my feet right now...
and i don't even care about all the eyerolls we get from neighbors when we walk him.
he looks so darn cute in that thing.

exhibit A:

by the way, this is him looking at adam because he loves him. more than me, probably.

so, i'm off to bake some more cookies and sit under my pretty tree and listen to jingle bell rock a hundred times.
how some people can pack christmas up so quickly, i don't know!

xo.

because we didn't send out a card this year.

here is husband's choice for our christmas card picture this year.

if adam had his way, all of the pictures i ever posted would resemble this one.

too bad that i like seeing your face too much to do that, eh adam?

anyway...

have a very lovely holiday!

a few pro tips, or rather, a few things i need to remind myself to do this holiday:

+ hum christmas songs at every chance. loudly.

+ forget anything anyone has ever told you about calories.

+ give everyone an unforgettable hug. or squeeze people so hard they can't breathe. whatever suits ya.

+ just don't even try to unwrap presents nicely. rip em. get fierce. 

+ remember you don't need mistletoe to get a-kissin'. a good ole kiss on the cheek does a body good, for both parties involved. 

i will be spending the blessed day with these lovely people...

i've got a gut feeling that this might be the best christmas yet,
given that it's a guaranteed white one
and i am married to a wonderful husband
and i have some of the most marvelous people to share the holidays with.

merry merry merry christmas!

xo.

happy happy birthday, mama dear!

[yes, if you're wondering... my mom is over 50 and lookin' fine.]

happy halloween!
and a very happy birthday to my mother!!

without my mom...
i wouldn't have someone who (still) grabs me and picks me up, runs to the couch, sets me on her lap, and gives me a big hug and whole bunch of i-love-you's.

i wouldn't have anyone who i can turn to ask all sorts of random trivia, knowing she will likely know the answer to just about any random thing i might be wondering.

i wouldn't know how to properly shade a sphere while drawing
or how to mix watercolor paints
or how to crack an egg the right way.

i wouldn't have had anyone to help me build just about every piece of furniture in my house
or to make sure i didn't make any terrible interior design mistakes
(note: every time my mama comes over to my house, she leaves it looking much better than when she first arrived.)

i wouldn't have anyone sending me picture after picture of the cats i miss so much at home
or tagging me in pinterest pins at least twice per day.

without my mother,
i wouldn't have that constant warm, full energy that stays with me at all times because of how much she loves her children.

plus, mom. you were born on halloween
making your birthday extra fun for all involved.
thanks for that. ;)

happy birthday, mom! i love you so, so much!

xo.

the city always sounds like it's celebrating.

via

“...the solitude was intoxicating. On my first night there I lay on my back on the sticky carpet for hours, in the murky orange pool of city glow coming through the window, smelling heady curry spices spiraling across the corridor and listening to two guys outside yelling at each other in Russian and someone practicing stormy flamboyant violin somewhere, and slowly realizing that there was not a single person in the world who could see me or ask me what I was doing or tell me to do anything else, and I felt as if at any moment the bedsit might detach itself from the buildings like a luminous soap bubble and drift off into the night, bobbing gently above the rooftops and the river and the stars.” ― Tana French, In the Woods

i love salt lake city.
my sister hannah is renting a little house with a little garden
in the marmalade district
for the summer
so i'm pretending i live here, too.

the city...
oh, the city!

being here makes me feel like a fog has lifted.
like my soul was cleaned off and i can breathe again
or like i'm BACK
you know?

i belong in a city
in a little house with a little garden.
the suburbs swallow me.
this is where i need to be.

i need to be riding bikes and walking everywhere.
i need to be having small conversations with strangers passing by
and i need to fall asleep to the sounds of traffic and the neighbor's loud music.

i told adam we could consider it a medical expense
since my mental health greatly improves whenever i'm in a city
and on a bike
buying flowers from a street vendor,
donating my last dollar to vagrants,
and smelling factory smoke on one block and vietnamese food on the next.

and like...
if adam had a respiratory issue and we needed to live somewhere with cleaner air,
we totally would, right?
right.
it's a sound argument.

this place,
this little house with its little garden
and its little charms
and this little city...
how can i ever, ever leave it?

why would i ever head back into the fog???
(unless it's in portland or seattle of course... citylife!!!)

xo.

full of air and made of paper.

photo taken at the utah state fair 2 years ago.

certainty is a funny thing.

it's interesting to see how it is found to be both a comfort
and a disturbance.

here are some sample statements:
i am certain i will graduate high school.
i am certain i will not get cancer.
i am certain i will have children.
i am certain i will make it on time.

so on and so forth.

we speak with certainty all the time.
"when we have children, we are going to raise them to be christian."
"when you grow up and get married, you are going to see what it's like."
"when i'm in college, i'm going to party like it's 1999."
"god hates sinners."
"i will never have a cavity."
"i will always love you."

the assumptions we utter are so exciting.
the prospect of things makes us feel over the moon.

and then life happens
and we find ourselves in a struggle.

a struggle against cancer,
against infertility.
a struggle to find our soul mate.
a struggle to find out the truth, though we find ourselves in an uncompromisable state.
a struggle to help our austistic child through the public education system.
a struggle to support a spouse who has 6 months to live.
a struggle with an opposing opinion
or hardheadedness.
a struggle to live.

being on the internet last night,
social media specifically,
was a stirring experience.

it was a friend's child's 21st birthday. the one she had out of wedlock when she was a teenager.
a neighbor announced her young husband is going to die of cancer.
a friend announced an engagement.
people were spouting off their political opinions.
a friend's younger brother passed away.
a former student got into her dream school in new york city.
a friend was damning another for their civil rights involvement.

and all at once it was all floating in front of me:
the human experience,
the inescapability of death,
the uncertainty of,
well,
everything.

all at once
i felt as though my bones were hollow glass
that were surrounded by my tissue paper body,
which was about to cave in.

why, yes!
the certainty of which i live my life is comforting.
it makes me feel as though i know what's around each corner.

what a starry-eyed way of living, eh?

how very disturbing certainty can be.
it suggests an immovable path our lives are to take,
an immovable path to our salvation.

but...
oh, the fragility of life!

how fragile my loved ones are!
how fragile my financial situation!
how fragile my safety!
how fragile my bones!

i seek certainty to compensate for this fragility.
we all do.
feelings of certainty combat the grey area we find ourselves lost in.
certainty
or faith that things will work out.

seeing the brittleness of life on others,
made me feel an overwhelming guilt.
i could not sleep soundly while my fellow people are breaking to bits.

i couldn't rest knowing that at any moment
life can flip a switch
and change.

life doesn't cycle around and around like an amusement park ride.
sometimes it only circles once.
sometimes it breaks and a fireman asks you to climb down a really long ladder.
sometimes you feel like it might never end.
sometimes it doesn't even start.

so
all the more reason to eat cotton candy
and wear cowboy boots to the fair.

that frailty that life carries
it is humbling.
oh
so
humbling.

i guess what i'm saying is:


you have to know that your entire life could break at a moment's notice
and you might lose it all.

you must know that.


and all the while
sleep soundly.

live life the way you know best.
like...

it's okay to talk about death in one breath
and cheezbrgr cats in the next.
it's okay to fret about lipstick
or about exams
even when there are worse things.

you just gotta kiss the love of your life on the forehead more often.
you gotta help people.
you gotta be okay with grey area.
you gotta know that when you get a dog it's gonna to die.
you gotta know that you could get very, very sick
or that your child might have something terribly wrong with them.

and you gotta put on red lipstick
and take selfies
and make people uncomfortable with your PDA
and make plans even though they might never come to fruition.
you gotta party like it's 1999
and you gotta keep your chin up.

you simply must hold things close to you while you can
and it's okay to say you have a shred of certainty
even when you don't

because you don't.
no one does.

the only thing we know
is there is love
and it's here
and it's real
very real
and it's here to save us
and change our lives.

it's here even when our hearts break
and our legs fail.
it's there when we lose it all.
always.

i might lose my sweet dog tonight
or my precious family
or the love of my life.

i don't know.
but DAMN it
i'm gonna love hard.

and i'm gonna watch cat videos on the internet with them
and i'm probably going to laugh until one of us can't breathe
and then we might cry for our neighbors
or we might quarrel or disagree over political things.
we might sit silently
and not even whisper that we love each other
even though we know we could lose it all in a fire or something.

and it's okay
because love is strong
and i am holding on to them
with all the strength i have
even when life is so frail.

xo.

this teenager.

meet my youngest sister, sadie.
yes,
that is her natural hair color.
and her skin seems untouched by the sun.
and her measurements are near perfect.
and her eyelashes nearly touch her eyebrows
and she, like, lays around all day, never washes her face, and eats like crap
and is so, so naturally beautiful
and blessed, to say the least!

but above that,
she's a spectacular dancer
and an extremely funny person
who constantly has me bending over in laughter.

gosh,
i'm just so lucky to be attached to these amazing people!
and also so blessed that they will let me pull them out of bed to take pictures of them on a whim...
i just can't help it!
i love my family so much.

xo.

that time we beat the odds and didn't fall to our icy deaths

for his christmas gift,
we decided to plan an ice fishing trip for my dad
who is majorly outdoorsy
and who usually plans everything
especially things he doesn't necessarily like doing...

and does everything for our family.

it had been nearly ten years since i had last gone
and it was so wonderful to get out with him + my siblings + my cousin jordan,
even though the ice was very thin and it was unnerving standing on it!

i found myself wishing that i could take a picture that would capture the bitter cold out there!
well, these sort of do capture it...
mostly because i didn't know that if you let instant film develop in the freezing cold,
they look especially washed out and blurry.
will be keeping that in mind in these next few months...

spending time with my family makes me feel undeniably alive.
i love them.

xo.

merry christmas from my family to yours.

this time in my life is so difficult.
i have so many things going on that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy
and it got really easy for me to be selfish.

i told my dad i didn't want Christmas. i asked him to make it go away.

this is what he sent me in response:

"I think about the families in Connecticut and their Christmas. I think about the family who went sledding the other day and lost their little boy. I think about the tsunami victims. Those who lost their children the day after Christmas. The thing they want most for Christmas is something they can't have. Their children. Their loved ones. Breaks my heart. I even feel guilty. My family has never been touched by tragedy. There are things I want in my life. We sometimes feel lonely. Our jobs eat at us. Dark clouds hang over our heads. But the things we want are trivial compared to those others. So what do we do? What can we do? Here is what those other families would want us to do: help as many people as we can and be ever so grateful for what we have. One reason we are blessed is to help others. As for celebrating christmas, those families would want us to enjoy our own families. They would want us to gather, share gifts, play games. I'm reminded of the end of saving Private Ryan. "Earn this." So I'm going to try and earn this. Be so, so grateful. God wants us to celebrate His Son's birth. Do that by giving, sharing, and being grateful."

my family was able to help more than 50 children have a better Christmas this year.
we are all together and happy
and so, so blessed.
i cherish them.
what i did to deserve being born into this family, i will never know.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

xo.

twelve x3

last night,
we spent some special time as a family.
we ate 12 inch subs,
bought a dozen donuts,
and a twelve pack of root beer.

and then we went to buy 12 toys for 12 kids
and i was so happy.

my mom and dad are cute with this kind of stuff.

i understand it was just a day that happened to have the same consecutive number assigned to it,
but it's good to make life a little special when something out of the ordinary happens.

no more of these dates for another thousand years!

xo.

how my people completely saved me: the bragging post.

so, there i am
about to have a major breakdown
(literally)

when adam emails me with links to help me with a research paper i'm writing.
ok
like
what
a
sweetheart.

THEN,
my sister goes,
"you need a change"
so she takes me to home depot
and buys me some bright paint
and starts painting my room for me.
byebye brown walls!
yes. can you believe it?!

THEN,
my parents give me all kinds of advice
and words of encouragement
that i wrote down
in a little notebook
to keep
forever.

THEN,
i find out my brother has been walking my bruno for me,
seeing as how i don't have no time. poor bruno.
this is extra great
because he pretends to not like my pup. (impossible)
thanks, brother.

the very best people are attached to me. 

never underestimate the power of helping other people. 

it saves. 

xo.

it's like we were able to press pause.

i love the people in my world
and i've been spending an abundance of wonderful time with them lately.

we've been:

- spending lots of time laying on the floor
- playing lots of scrabble
- taking lots of naps
- looking at lots of diamonds and dresses
- taking advantage of the availability of fresh flowers everywhere (thank you, summer!)
- laughing embarrasingly loud and hard every night
- doing a lot of hand-holding
- running a lot of (very important) errands
- sharing a lot of daydreams and goals
- making a lot of internal changes
- aaaand loving each other as much as we possibly can

this little calm before the work&school&responsibilities of the fall sweep us away once again
has been nothing short of a beautiful and love-filled diversion from the heaviness of "real" life.

we've had conversations i never thought we'd have.
few pictures were taken.
few phone calls were answered.
plenty of "i-love-you's" were shared.

i just want to remember these people... my people... just as they are
because things are perfect.

xo.

staycation.

this cute little cabin is where my family & i are staying this week!
my sweet uncle and aunt were kind enough to let us stay up here for our staycation.
it's technically a "staycation" because it's basically 30 minutes from our house...
but it's so nice to get away from normalcy for a bit.
especially since life goes back to being crazy next week!

we love-a da cabins.

plus,
we luckily got to bring this guy. he's having the time of his life running wild through the woods.
purdy cute.

i do miss adam terribly... i'm trying not to think about it...
and not doing a good job.


off to explore the wilderness!

xo.

fourth.

1. pretty strawberries made by my sister, hannah.

2. being unintentionally matchy with our hats + a typically squinty faced adam.

3. flag finally laying peacefully after a windy day. 

4. not wanting to attend the fair, we purchased some amazing sorbet...

5. ...and ate it under a tree nearby and people-watched instead. 

6. sister sadie's festive ensemble. 

our independence day wasn't as festive as i would have liked.
in fact, i decided to skip the fireworks with my family entirely
to stay home with my dog who was incredibly frightened and stressed because of the loud noises.
adam had to work in the evening anyways,
and for some reason i want to spend all my time with him lately. 
maybe i like him or something... ;)

that didn't stop our july fourth, twothousandandtwelve from being a stellar day.
we just kind of celebrated freedom in unconventional ways.

no fourth of july would be complete without my family jumping over a fireworks fountain.
this year, the fireworks were set off on a floating board in the pool in front of the diving board.
crazy,
but i love it.

xo.

#ADSlittlemermaid

ugh.
today is my sister's last dance recital.

as long as i've taught dance,
my sisters have been involved in some way.
we're kind of a team.

i haven't wanted to get out of bed (and it's noon...) because i don't want to face it!

i'm so proud of my sisters.
they have been my inspiration in so many ways.
i love having a dance family!

but hey...
uh...
if you're in utah
and don't have any plans tonight...
you should definitely come see the show!

my mom, being the artist she is,
designed the sets
and they are beautiful!

it's got lots of acting,
little kids breakdancing,
dark ballet to this song,
light up clothing in hip hop,
elaborate productions involving hula hoops, rolling lily pads, and amazing lifts,
and my sister's solo has powder throwing a la the festival of colors.
it's so very beautiful.

not to mention some of the best choreography i've seen from a studio (not mine... mind you)!

artistic dance presents the little mermaid.
6 pm.
juan diego in draper.
it's FREE.

it's a very beautiful show.
i haven't seen anything like it around.
i am very proud to be a part of it.
i would absolutely love to see you there.

now excuse me...
i only have a few hours to mentally prepare for this bittersweet night ahead of me!

xo.

happy father's day!

it doesn't really seem like father's day since my papa is in europe at the moment
but, let me share a few facts about the man that raised me.

-he is a kick-A attorney
-he is really into fly-fishing & outdoorsytypestuff
-he loves music (and playing it really loudly)
-he gets a lot of his clothes at the thrift store (like a grown up hipster)
-he photographs with a rad 35mm SLR and doesn't realize how cool it is...
-he takes his lunch break every monday to go make lunch for the youth homeless shelter
-he mentors an iraqi family who escaped the war in the middle east
-he has been published in several different magazines
-he has a sophisticated sense of humor and when he laughs at something you KNOW it's funny
-he has planned elaborate & adventurous family vacations for us every single summer
-he knows just about everything. seriously.
-he is so wise... if you ever have a problem with anything he knows exactly what to say. and i know everyone could say that about their father, but really. i'm not exaggerating to be kind. he's such a perceptive and insightful individual.

i have to credit a lot of my talents and wisdom to my dad. without him, i wouldn't be half the person i am today!

i love you, dad!

xo.

eurotrip

welp, things are pretty crazy 'round here since these two left for europe!
they left me in charge of their house and,
let me tell you,
i'm not ready to be a homeowner.

at least not one that has two dogs, four cats, five bedrooms, two teenagers, one angsty 22 year old, and one grandmother with alzheimers!

i can barely remember to water the plants when my grandmother is releasing my dog into the neighborhood and we have to go run and find him.
she thought we didn't have food for them and wanted them to go find a new home!
at least she didn't run away again... that wouldn't be stressful at all...

let's look at the positives...
this is mom training, right? ;)

i hardly feel responsible enough to watch an entire house when i want to call my parents every five minutes because i miss them so!
it makes me so grateful that families are forever.
i don't know what i would do without my favorite people!

also, let's get jealous because they are in paris as i am typing this!
those world travelers...

alright, now i've got to go drive my sister to work and go grocery shopping!
busybusybusybusybusybusy

xo.

i wanted to be a rockstar

one of my most favorite things about summer
is the desire to make and do that just seems to be everywhere.
everyone seems to cook more often,
people are more eager to get outside and run around,
and i feel like creating my own everything:
clothes, bracelets, barbecues, beauty products... everything!
the weather makes me much more productive.

this creativeness certainly has to be tied to the added mood-boost we get during summer,
and i also think it's a part of the inner-child in us.
when we're younger,
we create daily.
we color in coloring books, we make friendship bracelets, we learn to sew and to take pictures,
we want to make our own lunches and create our own recipes.
now that we're older, it's labeled as DIY this and make-your-own that
and the internet is full of tutorials
and how-to-do-this-thing-you-did-a-thousand-times-when-you-were-ten.
plus, when we were younger we wanted to brag about it for entirely different reasons. 
i'm pretty sure our inner-children would be cross with us
for forgetting about all that work we put into learning how to make a boondoggle.
how dare we lose that knowledge?!

this weekend it got so hot outside
that the sprinkler was put underneath the trampoline
and my sisters and i played on it for nearly three hours.
we bathed our dogs outside,
we made our own popsicles,
we hung out in just our bathing suits for an entire sunday,
we made plans to make a music video,
and we invented this killer lemonade cake recipe.

all of the experiences in life,
all of the knowledge we gain and things we love are just compounded as days go by.
so this "inner child" we speak of
is really just you.
why abandon an entire portion of your life for another?
i've struggled with the modern concept of "growing up" for years now,
as i really am not in favor of leaving things behind.
don't leave twelve years of your life in hindsight,
because for twelve years you were totally awesome and talented and wanted to be a rockstar.

i completely believe in staying true to who you are,
so why not count those awesome formative years?
you can still pretend to be gypsies and talk in fake accents and be a successful, contributing human being.
don't simply cast off the cool parts about childhood for practicalities and responsibilities.
life can be a wonderful cocktail of the uninhibited desires and talents of childhood
mixed with the maturity, knowledge, and experience you've gained along the way.

so the next time you're at the pool this summer,
play marco polo or something.
because i gotta tell ya,
being wild and free made me feel like i really was a rockstar.

xo.

that crazy eclipse

completely untouched shots of the eclipse lighting.
what a strange thing it was to see the light this way
and look up and see the sun still high in the sky!
the air also got cooler while the moon passed over the sun,
then warmed back up when it was through. eerie!

did you notice any of these during the eclipse, too?
it was crazy!

xo.