full of air and made of paper.

photo taken at the utah state fair 2 years ago.

certainty is a funny thing.

it's interesting to see how it is found to be both a comfort
and a disturbance.

here are some sample statements:
i am certain i will graduate high school.
i am certain i will not get cancer.
i am certain i will have children.
i am certain i will make it on time.

so on and so forth.

we speak with certainty all the time.
"when we have children, we are going to raise them to be christian."
"when you grow up and get married, you are going to see what it's like."
"when i'm in college, i'm going to party like it's 1999."
"god hates sinners."
"i will never have a cavity."
"i will always love you."

the assumptions we utter are so exciting.
the prospect of things makes us feel over the moon.

and then life happens
and we find ourselves in a struggle.

a struggle against cancer,
against infertility.
a struggle to find our soul mate.
a struggle to find out the truth, though we find ourselves in an uncompromisable state.
a struggle to help our austistic child through the public education system.
a struggle to support a spouse who has 6 months to live.
a struggle with an opposing opinion
or hardheadedness.
a struggle to live.

being on the internet last night,
social media specifically,
was a stirring experience.

it was a friend's child's 21st birthday. the one she had out of wedlock when she was a teenager.
a neighbor announced her young husband is going to die of cancer.
a friend announced an engagement.
people were spouting off their political opinions.
a friend's younger brother passed away.
a former student got into her dream school in new york city.
a friend was damning another for their civil rights involvement.

and all at once it was all floating in front of me:
the human experience,
the inescapability of death,
the uncertainty of,
well,
everything.

all at once
i felt as though my bones were hollow glass
that were surrounded by my tissue paper body,
which was about to cave in.

why, yes!
the certainty of which i live my life is comforting.
it makes me feel as though i know what's around each corner.

what a starry-eyed way of living, eh?

how very disturbing certainty can be.
it suggests an immovable path our lives are to take,
an immovable path to our salvation.

but...
oh, the fragility of life!

how fragile my loved ones are!
how fragile my financial situation!
how fragile my safety!
how fragile my bones!

i seek certainty to compensate for this fragility.
we all do.
feelings of certainty combat the grey area we find ourselves lost in.
certainty
or faith that things will work out.

seeing the brittleness of life on others,
made me feel an overwhelming guilt.
i could not sleep soundly while my fellow people are breaking to bits.

i couldn't rest knowing that at any moment
life can flip a switch
and change.

life doesn't cycle around and around like an amusement park ride.
sometimes it only circles once.
sometimes it breaks and a fireman asks you to climb down a really long ladder.
sometimes you feel like it might never end.
sometimes it doesn't even start.

so
all the more reason to eat cotton candy
and wear cowboy boots to the fair.

that frailty that life carries
it is humbling.
oh
so
humbling.

i guess what i'm saying is:


you have to know that your entire life could break at a moment's notice
and you might lose it all.

you must know that.


and all the while
sleep soundly.

live life the way you know best.
like...

it's okay to talk about death in one breath
and cheezbrgr cats in the next.
it's okay to fret about lipstick
or about exams
even when there are worse things.

you just gotta kiss the love of your life on the forehead more often.
you gotta help people.
you gotta be okay with grey area.
you gotta know that when you get a dog it's gonna to die.
you gotta know that you could get very, very sick
or that your child might have something terribly wrong with them.

and you gotta put on red lipstick
and take selfies
and make people uncomfortable with your PDA
and make plans even though they might never come to fruition.
you gotta party like it's 1999
and you gotta keep your chin up.

you simply must hold things close to you while you can
and it's okay to say you have a shred of certainty
even when you don't

because you don't.
no one does.

the only thing we know
is there is love
and it's here
and it's real
very real
and it's here to save us
and change our lives.

it's here even when our hearts break
and our legs fail.
it's there when we lose it all.
always.

i might lose my sweet dog tonight
or my precious family
or the love of my life.

i don't know.
but DAMN it
i'm gonna love hard.

and i'm gonna watch cat videos on the internet with them
and i'm probably going to laugh until one of us can't breathe
and then we might cry for our neighbors
or we might quarrel or disagree over political things.
we might sit silently
and not even whisper that we love each other
even though we know we could lose it all in a fire or something.

and it's okay
because love is strong
and i am holding on to them
with all the strength i have
even when life is so frail.

xo.

"talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't"

so....
this has been on my mind
and i have to write it out.

it all started when my brother posted a picture of me on 9gag,
which was extremely unflattering, with me in sweats and making a squinty face
and with the caption "my sister being a hipster"
because i was taking a picture of my mom's birthday cake e.g. food.
and people (strangers) shared it on facebook
and i'm sure they had a good laugh over it.
(you're welcome for the link, by the way. i'm not afraid to look lousy in the internet.)
i guess i don't really care
but...

something in me just snapped,
oh-so subtly,
and i started noticing all the labels and just plain ole negativity around me.
it's everywhere
and it has been slowly breaking my heart bit by bit.

it continued scratching at my insides
while my sister and i were watching twilight
and i thought about a little twihard somewhere in the world
who genuinely loves those books or movies
who feels like they have to keep it quiet
because there are just so many voices saying it's worthless and/or stupid
and that people who like it are some kind of uncultured yokels
who don't know the meaning of real entertainment.

and i, to be perfectly honest, shed a few tears for that person
who feels like he has to keep something so unbelievably harmless
and something that makes him so very happy
a secret.

and yesterday.
hashtag vineapp
i saw so many people trying to drive wedges between themselves and the rest of people on social media
or they were somewhat patronizing themselves by saying they were a follower
or "just part of the trend"
for giving in to something that could generally be very cool
and that a lot of people were genuinely excited about
and that a lot of people had a lot of positive feelings about...
something that i think is genuinely cool.

i've been overly receptive to this lately,
i admit it.
but it has been making me so very sad!

you don't have to demean yourself for liking anything.
nothing.
never.
never do you have to do this.
let yourself like things and get excited about it
whether two people or two thousand people are talking about it!

you also do not need to let everyone know when you dislike something!
i know i am guilty sometimes.
in no way am i saying i am always positive!
it's just incredibly boring to hate things.

all of these thoughts made me watch liberal arts again,
which i just love
and i felt inspired to share these clips again.

watch them in order, if you will.




so... i just want to issue a challenge to whoever chooses to accept it, including to myself:

talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't. 
because it's actually really boring to hate things.
and
never demean yourself for genuinely enjoying something!

but, ya know...
if you really want to say that you don't like something
let yourself, too!
it's okay! don't be a robot!

i'm just sayin...

antagonism has been accumulating out there
just pooling up
and it just sits there. like, forever.
ugh.

on the bright side,
it has inspired me even further to be a beacon of positivity.
because i don't like heavy metal.
i don't like some books.
i don't like some tv shows.
but i would hope that i could at least say that i try my hardest to see the value in everything
and that other people are allowed to like all of the things that i don't like
and i don't ever have to make myself feel bad for watching twilight while i do homework
or taking pictures of food, because i actually find food to be really beautiful
or wearing fake glasses, which i have done since i was in grade school.
or downloading a popular app
or getting excited about it.
because i want to share the things that make me happy!
and so do you!

because a lot of people are going to like the same things
probably all at once
and that doesn't make them any less cool!
i'm so thankful that there are so many people out there that want to share what they love with the rest of the world,
hoping it will make others as happy as it has made them.
i love it!

you can completely hate trends or you can completely love them
and either way you are still beautiful and amazing and cool and mostly HAPPY.
because either way it makes you happy!
i hope that you will make people feel the same way when they like things, too.


if you need to let your dislikes out,
write it down or yell it out or get it out of your system! do it! be healthy!
and then think about what you love!

because there is way too much in this world that we can love
there there should be no time to even focus on what we hate for even 30 seconds!

am i right??

SO JUST LIKE STUFF, OK?!

xo.

how quickly things change.

i was walking out of target last week
wearing snow boots and shielding myself from the flurry of snow
and i thought about how the last time i was there it was the fourth of july
and it was summer
and the sun was bright
and i was wearing sandals.

i was deleting emails from a friend from over a year ago
who was talking about how she hadn't heard from her boyfriend
in about three weeks
and asked for advice from me
and now she is married to a wonderful (different) man
and i was in my email at that moment asking for advice from her.

i was walking around post-sandy new york city on november 2nd
enjoying the quiet air and lack of crowds,
cautiously avoiding debris and walking everywhere due to the lack of subway service
thinking about how on october 25th, just one week earlier,
i could barely move around in the crowds
and the only debris was typical nyc garbage.

i picked up a land line
and couldn't remember the last time i had used it.
since then, i've made all my important phone calls it.

when i went to collect my things out of my totaled car,
i remembered that the last time i had opened its door,
i was heading to school with my sister,
very happy and proud of a photo assignment i was to turn in,
which is now bent like the frame of my beetle.

one day you are thick as thieves with someone,
and the next they could be ignoring you with no explanation.

one day you could have really long hair,
and then next it could be short.

one day you are passing a class,
and with one major slip up
you could fail the whole thing.

one day you can have someone,
the next they could be gone.

things change
and i love it
and hate it
at the same time.

but i sort of like the fact that the lights are on in the left photo above
because that's how i feel...
same spot. same person. different stories.

i remember that person on the right.
i remember her worries and fears
her triumphs and her insecurities.
i remember what was important and what she valued above all else
and that person is still me
but i don't know her anymore like i used to.
i've evolved.

but, you know...
important things don't change so much as evolve
and i think Change is the greatest metaphysical teacher i've had in this lifetime.

xo.

VERSUS

it's a war.
it really is.

it almost seems as though the two cannot coexist...
and in a way they can't.
not without attention, energies being split.
but you know,
it's not a choice you have to make entirely.

as for me...

i'd much rather be known for the things i say, the good things i do...
than how i wore my hair today.

i promise that the lasting, dazzling impact of a LV handbag will not linger as long as the hope that a hungry child's finally full belly brings to him.

do not get me wrong,
i love getting ready.
i love makeup, clothes, decorations,
anything that adorns... i'm down for it.
i think fashion is an art form.
i like pretty people and pretty things.
who doesn't?

but this kind of attention is not for me.

the day i am popular, well-liked, noticed, have thousands of followers on social networking sites
simply because i'm cute,
will be the end of
all my hard work,
the hard earned knowledge of good and truth,
the sleepless and thought-filled nights,
the dreaming, scheming, and hoping for amazing and wonderful things...

the end of me.

it is not something i could spend loads of time doing
and reporting.
not in my right mind, anyway.

i know that with the nature of this life,
and the way the world is placing that big, gaudy word over the sounder one below,
the attention of people clinging to substance will not match,
or even sit at the same lunch table with,
the attention given to those dripping with style.

which is okay.
because that isn't what is important.

{this is the part where you reminisce about that cliche starfish story everyone heard in third grade.}

the world rocks. life is cool. service is alive and well.
even though i believe the world is starting to resemble The Capitol as each day passes. that one is probably just me being a dork.

i digress...

mark my words,
with my life
i will make a difference.
i promise this to the world now.

i swear that i will do better things with my money than shop for myself all the time.
i swear to resist "splurges" that i will forget about in 3 years.
i swear that i will spend 5 less minutes getting ready in the mornings in order to spend 5 extra minutes helping another person in my day.
i swear that i will continue to think, to philosophize, to explore this wild and wondrous earth.
i swear to share experiences that might make a difference.
i swear to create and to serve.

for me,
i want to live a creative life that serves others.
how?
that i haven't figured out yet.

but there has got to be a reason why the two seem to overlap in my future plans.
style and substance will find a way to harmonize in me someday.

but for now...
thank you,
handful-of-people-that-still-put-up-with-me.
thank you for being okay with the fact that i don't post pictures of me doing mundane things looking super cute.
thank you for being okay with these personal little posts that are more for me than anything.
thank you for reminding me who i am.

thank you for being okay with me.
i will be around for a while.

what we do with the air we breathe is up to us

people spend entirely too much time breathing out.
i mean it sometimes serves wonderful purposes {see image above}    but
the air we share has bigger and better purposes than just being shot out all the time.

sometimes i wonder if people who talk a lot are trying to keep things from coming in.
they just sit and expel and spew and project
and rarely leave time to suck stuff in.

i mean
if you had a fountain that just kept recycling the same water and spewing it from the same little spout, the water would never change.
and it wouldn't have any time to be still.
it's like it's frantically trying to keep things a-flowin.
well, that's it's job.

if you have something that's constantly sending things out, how does it have time to take anything in?

on the other hand, i feel bad for vacuums.
they suck. all. the. time.
when they release stuff you get pissed because they're not doing their job.
so you kick it and curse and try and get it to continue sucking up your dust.

if you never talked you'd just have a bunch of stuff stuck inside of you like a vacuum. you can't absorb everything. you have to release stuff. you're gonna have to exhale with an open mouth.
if you always talk you're going to just keep recycling the same stuff until it all evaporates and you're gasping for air, waiting for whatever is next in line to come racing down your molars and dart out of your mouth.

i sit and watch people who talk a lot and think about all the dust they're keeping out of their mouths by constantly blowing air-filled words out. they keep talking, keeping things out.
if you're always exhaling you never have time to inhale. everyone else around them is feeding on what they're saying. people around are absorbing.

it's difficult to breathe in sometimes.
i notice that when i'm wearing something tight,
when someone is standing on my chest,
when i'm trying to run somewhere quickly,

when my life is moving too fast.

i feel like i'm constantly exhaling these days. not taking anything in.
exhaling is great.         for a while...

i like to look at the sun.
it's the easiest and most universal example of an energy release,
because that's all that it is when we talk. or exhale. or give time to things.
an energy release.
the sun stands there shining every day.
giving out light. making days warmer. making people happier.
it's a provider. it's constantly sending things out to us.

but even the sun absorbs energy. it inhales, too.

it's sometimes scary to inhale, especially after a fire
especially in a bathroom
especially in a musty basement
especially underwater
especially when you don't know what's going to come in.

but
how amazing is it when you are stuck underwater/in a bathroom/in your grandparent's basement for a while and you come out and inhale for the first time in a while? you don't know if you're going to breathe in the same yuckiness or not, but it's so great to fill your lungs. you're not exhaling and trying to keep things out anymore.
and
exhaling when you're not ready sucks. exhaling all the time sucks.
exhaling after you've filled your lungs is amazing.

breathing is awesome.
we hardly pay attention to it.
but maybe we should pay a little more attention to what we're inhaling and exhaling
and when
and how
and why.

i think we could find some beautiful things to breathe in
and in exhaling at the right times we can all better share the air we breathe.

{photo courtesy of papertissue}

enjoy the breath you're taking {that exhale is propelling you to the future}

you're always on the verge. of something. of anything.

i love 'when harry met sally' .
i love that danged speech.
you know, the one that ends with "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible".

that's always how i feel when i'm in love.
i just want to get things going.
not just with big things....     little stuff too.

when i take a really awesome holga picture i can't wait to take more.

when i hear a good song i want to hold its hand and walk forward with the new knowledge it offered.

when i read a book i get so stoked about all the other good books i'm going to read in my life.

when my cats do something cute i want the rest of my cat-lovin life to start. i'm going to meet so many more cute animals.

when i love my fresh, clean bathroom i just can't wait to start the rest of my life of clean bathrooms... all smelling of bleach and alcohol flavored sterility.

you're always starting the rest of your life.
how effing epic is that?
what if we woke up every day and said "THIS, today.. THIS is the first day of the rest of my life" and walked out the door a determined person.
instead it's "i'm going to work" or "i'm off to school". here we go again.
children of the seventies heard this all the time...
but it's so true.

we don't take enough time to enjoy a clean bathroom. that bathroom is the start of the rest of your life.
we don't take enough time to look at all of the trees we pass on a regular basis. those trees are steady place markers on your journey.
we don't take enough time to read a book and head off to the horizon a new person, ready to start on whatever lies ahead.

you should always be gearing up for the starting line.
we get so caught up in the race that we don't take deep enough breaths.

put your shoes on like they're going to take you somewhere.
do your hair like it's going to get tossed around by the wind.
take steps like you're never looking back.
open your blinds like you're looking at a new place.
stretch your arms out like you're trying to get to the next universe.

gather your things up into your arms and run barefoot into the woods with everyone you love

and run headfirst into your life.

live loud.
live hard.
live life.

{photo via papertissue}

take your heart out of the box and start @ step one

isn't it funny

how two completely different things can have the same weight?

if you had your eyes closed

and held two separate blocks in your two separate hands

they would feel the same.

you cannot tell what they are with your eyes closed.

those two separate things feel so very similar 

but it isn't until you take a look at them 

that you realize 

they are very different.

so those two very different objects (that feel so very similar) 

may also be put into boxes

that look so very similar.

so if you were to hold them in your two hands, and get a little curious and open your eyes to get a better look

they would now look the same as well.

the weight of things

and the way things appear

are not how they always are.

isn't it funny

how two very different feelings can have the same weight?

if you had your heart closed

and you held two separate feelings within it

they would feel the same.

until you poke air holes in there and let them spill out...

you may find that:

sadness/and/ joy

pain/and/pleasure

heartache/and/bliss

hate/and/love

carry the same weight

but are very different things entirely.

all you can do is breathe and feel heavy

until you open up that box and let a little fresh air in.

it isn't until you take a look at them 

that you realize 

they are very different.

[let's *grab hands* and Live together]

the world is so big.

you can do whatever you want.

seriously.

there is nothing stopping you.

yes, there are laws... yess there are natural laws... and if you believe in God then there is some sort of governing force there.

but you can essentially do whatever you want outside of that.

nothing can stop you.

you can walk around and sing in the supermarket. by yourself.

you can draw (in marker) on your arms.

you can use ring pops as engagement rings.

you can color on your walls.

you can wear white after labor day.

you can kiss a complete (consenting) stranger.

you can speak in a fake accent wherever you go.

you can get married in the middle of a field

or in a dark basement

or on a ski lift

or in your own home with no one else around.

you can wear things that went out of style.

you can change the pronunciation of your name.

you can paint all your nails a different color.

you can mismatch your clothes.

you can make a cake made of random ingredients.

you can spend a day leaving snow angels in your neighbor's front yards.

you can draw a star on your cheek in glitter.

you can write a song about anything you want.

you can sing as loud as you want in the car.

you can make your own clothes. even if you don't know how.

you can compliment strangers.

you can do whatever you want.

what is stopping you...?

what do you have to lose...?

who is there to tell you that it cannot be done...?

you don't have to have engagement rings.

or a big wedding.

you don't have to wear what is in style.

or follow fashion rules.

you don't have to stop yourself from singing when you want to.

you don't have to follow a recipe.

just because things are one way, doesn't mean it can't change.

especially if it's in your control.

nothing can stop you.

nothing governs you.

you only have one life. do it the way you want to.

i'm sure as hell gonna wear white after labor day.

AND paint my nails with different colors.

who governs that? people.

people.

so?

you're a person, too.

and so am i.

and so is the guy next to ya.

life could be so beautiful and different

if we all stopped being stopped.