we're on each other's team.

parts of our dc trip were very "throw your hands in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care"
because we got to celebrate having each other in our lives for five whole years.
what? what?! yeah. five years. a blink of the eye in the grander scheme
but it's still 1,826 days
or 43,829 hours
or 261 weeks.
it feels amazing whatever way you slice it.

the formula for happiness (and i'm convinced this glee could be generalized worldwide...)
can be found in the way adam reid says "strength" with his east coast accent
and how he smacks his lips a la jim halpert when he thinks something is too silly for words,
not to mention the way he says "hello, my wife" nearly every night when he comes through the door.

we dined at one of our favorite restaurants, founding farmer's, that night
and shared a few of our favorite memories
and a few things each of us are looking forward to in the coming years:
homes, babies, a kitten, wrinkles, christmases... all the good stuff, not necessarily in that order
(though, it's a safe bet to put babies before wrinkles, but who knows what the future holds).
we clinked glasses to all the winters we've made it through together,
and maybe asked the waitress too many questions about how they made our food.

[it's a joke how unhappy adam looks in pictures, but he keeps telling me he goes for a GQ look. i don't get it?]

i'm practically banging my metaphorical knife and fork on the table, shouting "more! more!"
in anticipation of the coming years.
i could just eat my husband up.
i know the best is yet to come
and the thing is that i don't quite know how it could be better
but i simply know it will
in the way cheese and fine wine goes 'n stuff.
i wish this life were a book and i could peek ahead to the ending
to see what our children will be like
and what adam looks like with greying hair
and where we will end up
but i know i have to live it
and while i wish i could see our beautiful story ahead of time
you won't be hearing any "are we there yet"s from me.

for now i will relish in all the i love yous and the sight of my snowy husband walking in the door each night with a big ole grin, often bearing popsicles or the guava nectar i love so much
and take mental snapshots
for our "remember when...?" days in twenty or so years.

oh, husband.
i love you with all that i have.

xo.

a birthday and a secret.

that husband of mine turned the ripe age of 27 yesterday!
i love him so very much and spending an entire day making sure he hasn't got a single doubt about that is entirely my cup of tea.
so, naturally, i was in heaven every hour.

i absolutely love birthdays.
i believe, firmly, that at least one day a year should be spent celebrating the existence of someone so wholeheartedly that they just say "enough already! i get it!"
and you can call it quits (if you must)
and rest easy knowing they know they are loved by every ounce of you.

the day was spent amidst good food, plenty of midday cuddling and talking in our room, adam happily rapping some old school snoop dog to me, and partying in our little apartment like a couple of fools.
also, at the end of the day we somehow found ourselves watching videos on youtube about owls
and it was oddly fun.
so,
there's that, i guess.

we were lucky enough to have dinner with family
and i think adam was on cloud nine from midnight to midnight.

[i created a cinnamon almond cake and i can't stop eating it. tastes just like cinnamon roasted almonds!]

it's worth mentioning that i uncharacteristically kept adam's gifts a secret for months
which was so, so difficult!
keeping those lips of mine sealed was a daily struggle (seriously. it was.),
but the look on his face...
and the "is this real life?!" and "this hasn't even hit me yet!!" when he opened them was absolutely thrilling and i don't think i could be happier! really!
can people be this happy? is it allowed?!

more importantly,
adam was happy, too.
or at least i think so.
if singing in the shower,
laughing really loud all day at aaaanything that was remotely funny,
hugging everyone at least twice after dinner,
and immediately putting those fresh boarding passes up on the fridge are any indication
then, yeah.
i'd say he's happy.

exhibit a:

xo.

my baby don't mess around because he loves me so, and this i know fosho.

photo credit: amber lynn photography

last night adam & i were watching a movie
(if you must know... it was "now you see me")
and he kept having to pause it because i wanted to talk about boring little things that i can't remember
and he was undyingly patient with me.

the other day adam & i were walking to my car that had run out of gas over a mile away
and i was staring at my feet as we trudged through garbage under the freeway overpass
feeling complete shame and stupidity because this happens bimonthly at LEAST
and he was undyingly sweet about my stupid mistake.

this afternoon adam & i were talking briefly in a moment where we both had a break
and i was lamenting about how tired i was because of school, 4 jobs, and other commitments i, for some strange reason, keep making
and he just sat and listened to me and tickled my back,
offering to make dinner tonight, help with my homework, and plan a short weekend trip for us in the next few weeks.
and it wasn't until i was walking away that i remembered that the man works 60 hours a week
and basically takes care of our house.
examples:
i didn't know how to work our fancy washing machine until yesterday.
i loaded the dishwasher and ran it for the first time today.
i didn't even know we had a certain cleaning supply until just now.
i have made three meals. maybe.
i walked Bruno maybe four times out of the dozens of walks he has taken
and i fall asleep before adam every night
and wake up after him
but only because he has already woken up to walk Bruno and start doing dishes.
and i'm tired?!

the man deserves a medal.

the most recent thing i got mad at him about was when i was trying to get him to tell me what traits/qualities he thinks are sexy in people
and he wouldn't tell me because he just replied
"you are"
evvvvery time i would try to get it out of him...
and i was mad that he wouldn't answer the question.
um yeah.

someone hit me in the head with a rock because my life is ridiculous.

xo.

your hats are a consistent source of laughter.

dear adam,
thank you for coming to watch my dancers perform my piece at the high school
and thank you for giving me a good laugh
when you let yourself get dress-coded several times for wearing a hat
because they (for some reason?) kept mistaking you for a high school student
and you didn't correct them because you wanted to feel "young again".

i love you and the weird things you do.

xo.

maaaybe we are in the market for a support group.

because it's really hard to get things a-goin'
when you both work a lot
me = four jobs (!)
him = 60 hours a week...

not to mention school (blah)
and schedules that don't coordinate
so we hafta try to squeeze little twenty minute dates sooooomewhere between 2-4 pm
or end up staying up all night jumping on the bed (mostly me showing adam for the umpteenth time that i've been working on my toe touches) or catching up on breaking bad instead of sleeping
(not complaining about that. i'm not, yo.)

and the newlywed-typical stark, utterly empty apartment that just begs for furniture
so you do the ikea dance
and regret it (sorta)
because how many pieces are in this stinkin' dresser box?
and why, oh, why can't these assembly instructions include words?

but then there are those amazing moments
where you're eating rice in the living room on the carpet you wish you had a vacuum for
and giggling so hard that you accidentally spit some out
but being too happy to care
because you're married
and u can't touch dis.

and the first time either one of you says
"see you at home"
and both of you can't even contain the joy that brings
so you text the exact same
"i love hearing/saying that"
to each other.
rad.

still,
our newlywed fever is all-encompassing
and we should probably find some like-minded people to start a dialogue with...
ones who are also broom-less and blender-less
who may have broken a nail or two trying to assemble a SELJE nightstand
and who also find themselves playing lady and the tramp with twizzlers
or, you know, scratching everything in your apartment and basically forfeiting your deposit before even getting started and sharing a good cry about it.
the usual stuff.

if you hear of anything,
let us know.
we are pretty serious about this.
fur realz.

xo.

ten reasons why i'm ready to get married.

1. no more "good night see you tomorrow"s and "call me as you are on your way home"s. unless we go bruce and kris jenner one day. but... you know... doubtful.

2. instead of people insisting we fight like a married couple (oh, and you better believe we do...), we can actually, literally fight as a married couple. oh, the perks!

3. i can have my identity back! i can be ayley again! no longer the identity of a bride! just myself. my good old self and not "bride to be" or "almost married woman". and people will talk to me about other, normal things! i can't wait for that part.

4. we can build a home. in every way. spend our money on plungers and picture frames and spend our time building a spiritually meaningful life under one roof.

5. i'm there. if you don't already know, there is a strange place that my spirit has gradually shifted to over this engagement period where i'm not longer finding myself so much of a daughter, sister, coworker, friend, girlfriend or even fiance... but more of a wife. at least for the time being. there is now here and here i am now. that last bit was annoyingly seussian but what can you do. 

6. like super duper obvious "we-have-dated-for-nearly-five-years-and-yeah" stuff...

7. i've realized that all of this stuff isn't the end of my life! all the showers and parties and people being wonderful and loving and getting to wear a white dress and see people i love... it's not the ONLY time that happens! it is in a lot of ways, of course. but life after the wedding, to me, seems so much more fulfilling and meaningful and good. more amazing dresses will be worn. loved ones will be hugged and life will be celebrated! like, even people who had wholly dreadful weddings in hindsight manage to be terribly happy and lead beautiful lives. bring it on!

8. the world around us will recognize our solidified union so seriously that it would cost us thousands of dollars and dozens of sleepless nights to break it which, in my opinion, is pretty cool. like, our future next door neighbors would take breaks from gardening around their perfectly manicured lawns to discuss the demise of our marriage with our other neighbors. it would be a thing. this marriage thing is super serious. i like super serious.

9. traveling! cooking dinners! sleepovers! cohabitation! doing it all together and no one sayin' nuthin' 'bout it!

10. having the heat off. i realize in a lot of ways the heat will always be on, but i gained some very important heat-related insight the other night as we were on our way to take our bridal pictures. we were upset and not even close to being in a loving mood or being photographed. it was a difficult night for both of us and i ended up balling my dress up afterward and throwing it into my front seat, curling up in the backseat, and sleeping the whole night in my car. when i, very sorely, woke up, i saw i had left my little bouquet on my dashboard. i wanted to spit on it and throw it out the window, but decided against it and drove home, leaving it on my dashboard, in the hot sun and out of my cold mind. when i finally came to my senses and had a panicky moment about my dress being askew in my car, i rushed out to grab all of my belongings, only to find those poor flowers as pictured above. those roses were likely only in my car for a few hours of heat, but they withered quickly. and the smell! gosh... hell must smell like rotting roses. i realized, once again, how fragile beautiful things are in the heat. it doesn't take long for it to go south. i mean, a little heat is good. but when you leave it... bad stuff happens. bad stuff that takes a long time to fix. you know how it goes. and the heat has been on us. bad. and we haven't kept an eye on it like we should have. so, yeah. i'm gonna have fresh flowers on our wedding day. probably the freshest flowers i can find. for good reason. and i will take good care of them. maybe there will be other times in our lives where we will leave things in the heat for longer than we ought to. but i will be damned if i ever smell rotting roses like that ever again. #metaphor

don't let your roses rot, you guys.

it is july 23rd.
and i will be married on july 25th
to adam nomiddlename reid
and i am ready for it
like the desert is ready for rain
like a baby is ready to inflate his lungs for the first time
and like a girl who loves a boy very much is ready to just be his already.

xo.

as if i needed another reason...

^ trying our "best" kim + kanye shot, but neither of us really knew what to do so we just look super dorky.
i don't care.
i love it.

we get married in two weeks
which is totally crazy
but not as crazy as i am about adam these days.

that dude just keeps giving me more reasons to love him!
like...

how i wasn't really making a mental countdown of the exact days until our wedding, but any time we'd be together and someone would ask how many days it was until we seal the deal, adam would answer excitedly before they even finished the sentence.

and how adam emailed me with (genuine and serious!) concerns about my sunscreen needs on our honeymoon and looked up the top recommended brands, mentioning that sunburns weren't okay in any way, but he'd be okay if i got just a few more freckles. ;)

or how adam made absolutely certain i put "anti-humidity hair serum" on my honeymoon packing list, a detail i most definitely would have overlooked.

or how adam was bummed about us taking bridals days before our wedding because he wanted everyone to witness his unbridled emotional response to seeing me in my wedding dress because "everyone needs to know just how much i love you".

and how he says he has literally prayed to Jesus that our kids look more like me than him (and i hope for their sake the reverse happens!!).

how about how he said he would take a job he hated because he wants to see me work on creative freelance projects and make the world more beautiful (which i would never let him do!).

or how he has never made a single joke about getting married to me (which is amazing to me because he jokes about eeeverything) because it's "the single greatest thing he has ever done with his life".

two weeks until i never have to say good night to this person.

two weeks until it won't be weird if we like have kids 'n stuff. 

two weeks until i am a wife

and my life changes forever

and i'm terrified

while adam is as calm as can be, never wavering. not even for a moment. 

i love my husband. 

xo.

up in the air.

we don't know what we are doing. 

this is the one thing we are confident of. 

both of our jobs have been bought and are under new ownership. yes, at the same time. 

school funding hasn't gone as planned. 

we don't know where we are living

or what we are doing.

ask me if wedding planning is going well....

but there is a strange confidence that i feel undeserving of. 

logic dictates that i should be fearful and worried

but i'm not. 

we are in this strange place where we could pick up and leave it all

or grab on to what we have and make it work. 

it's exhilarating. 

when so much is up in the air

you can't help but feel like you're flying.

so 

we're donning galoshes and waiting for the storm that will surely come in the next few months,

but for now

we're just enjoying a little rain. 

photo by carolina lindsay.

xo.

off the market!

EIGHT

number of letters in his full name

EIGHTEEN

number of letters in my full name

SEVEN

number of trips we took back and forth while dating long distance

FOUR AND A HALF

number of years we have been together

TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVEN

number of dollars spent on flights between utah and dc

FIVE

average number of phone calls exchanged between us each day

BAJILLION*

number of fights we have had *(possibly exaggerated)

TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHTY 

number of miles between our houses when we first started dating

SEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS

number of miles between our houses now

THREE

total number of times he has proposed (true story)

ONE

total number of times she has said yes

and just like that

very soon there will be no miles between us

no more trips to visit

no need for so many phone calls

a bajillion more fights

more and more years together

and one life

that we share.

so, yes. 

here are the words i've been waiting to type out:

adam & ayley are officially getting married!

xo.

in your past life.

i sometimes feel restless

& a strong desire to rebel. 

i asked adam if he thought we might have past selves,

like

we weren't reincarnated as anything else,

but we did live once before

and all of the genetic pool just keeps recycling itself

and our souls live in essentially the same body

just at a different time. 

(he said "probably" and i punched him the arm for the lame yet concise answer.)

but i have always thought that one day i might find a picture of "me" that was taken in the 1920s.

there is this dormant part of me that feels the thrill of a good con.

it feels like this part of me lived at one time...

like i know and can feel exactly how it felt in a high speed chase

with a pistol in my garter
all while maintaining a sweet and pretty exterior.

lillian gish in "the wind"

there is a part of me that feels like i was once a fugitive on the lam,

that i robbed banks & ran from the cops in my bugatti type 44 until i lost them over the horizon.

i feel like i could have lived as an early 20th century bandit of sorts.

adam said that he felt like he might have worked with his hands

being an inventor 

or a carpenter

owning a small shop where he peddled his little wooden inventions. 

he said we probably lived in the same town

and i took cover in the back of his shop until the heat died down

in exchange for my love

and a cut of the money i stole so he could keep inventing & working to his heart's content.

it's a really strange feeling,

but it's always been inside of me since i can remember. 

since then, i've asked this question to several of my friends and family members.

it's turning out to be a fun, if farfetched, discussion topic

so i'd like to ask...

what do you feel like you might have been in your past life? 

comment!
or if you'd like, you may email me and i would love to share your response in detail here!

ayley @ thewildheartblog dot com

xo.

exhibit A.

adam thinks that i think he is a slob
and that i back or tilt myself away when he eats or drinks things,
like i'm all afraid he will get food on me.

and i was all like,
"nuh uh, adam. i promise i don't do that."
and i defended myself fervently

...until i saw this picture.

here you go, ad.
you're right.

"wut r u doing, adam reid?!"

but,
i can promise you're not a slob.
maybe just a little messy. ;)


photo by amber lynn photography.

xo.

in some real good company.

last night, on a whim,
adam & i decided to go to an open mike comedy night in downtown SLC
and meet up with a few of his friends.

which was great! greater than great!
especially considering we hardly hang out with other people
and i'm getting soooo sick of netflix ;).

turns out, open mike "comedy" night really means
open mike "cat-jokes-and-misogynistic-monologuing-with-lots-of-yelling-and-drunk-people" night.
haha! oh, brother...

the highlight of the night was seeing how absolutely hilarious adam's friends are.
only one of them took the stage that night,
but i was nearly in tears laughing at the quiet heckling happening at the table.
those friends of adam are so clever
and had me nearly spitting my water all over the floor in my fits of laughter.

this introverted-and-often-awkward girl is so lucky to have extroverted-and-so-very-kind adam.
he meets so many wonderful people and has so many sweet friends that have me saying
"why don't we do this more often?!"
just about every time we go out with them!

i'm also lucky to have him and his love of deadpan humor.
because, if you ask us, that's so much better than whatever happened on that stage last night!

xo.

back!

...and basically all i have to say
is that i missed the two creatures above
more than i could even bear

and seeing them when i returned
completed my heart and soul
more than i could ever imagine.

they are bits of me that i couldn't ever leave behind if i tried.

xo.

valenteve

dear adam,

thank you for working around my work schedule
since i couldn't hang out on valentine's day.

thank you for taking me downtown to the leonardo
because i have been saying i want to go there for the longest time
and you remembered.
thank you for taking me to that place for lunch
that i have been wanting to go to
but i mentioned it once
and you remembered.

thank you for tricking me into driving to your work after hours
and leading me by the hand through the back door
and bringing me into the kitchen,
giving me flowers
and hugging me so tightly.

thank you for sneaking us in to that kitchen
and teaching me how to make neapolitan pizza
and teaching me how to flip the dough high into the air
and catch it on my knuckles.
thank you for looking up the recipe of that 2amy's pizza i fell in love with
and recreating it for me.
thanks for sprinkling flour all over me
and dancing with me when i got frustrated at my dough-flinging technique.
that pizza will be in my dreams for weeks.
yours is better.

thank you for the setting up a whole room there
and lining up the chairs into a heart around the perimeter
and setting up a projector so we could watch a romantic movie
and getting pink balloons to place all over.

thank you for holding me when i got sick that night
and combing my hair with your fingers
and whispering in my ear.

aaaaaand... thank you for being overly excited about the fact that i only made you a cake and got you some stickygrams.
ugh. let's not talk about it...

as i'm typing all of this
it doesn't even sound real.
it sounds like something out of a movie or a fairytale.
well...
i guess sometimes my life is a fairytale.

you asked me not to share this stuff
because you were embarrassed
but i convinced you otherwise
because this was the most fun i have had in a long time
and you went to such great lengths to plan the whole thing
and you are such a sweet human being.

i don't know what i did to deserve this person
but i want to keep doing it
because i am so lucky to have you
and your love
and your "go big or go home" attitude about these things.

my mind is boggled.

whether you have a romantic relationship
or a familial one
or just best friends
or neighbors
or anyone!
make sure you let them know how much they truly mean to you today!

happy valentine's day.

xo.

love week pt 2

when we visited dc,
we had one of our new best photographriends, amelia johnson,
shoot us to commemorate our first official trip back there,
since we met there 'n all.

and oh. my. goodness.

all i can say is go over to her blog. and like her on facebook.
and maybe email or comment on everything she does.
she deserves it
and then some.

you do not know sweetness or happiness until you meet amelia johnson
who is probably julia child reincarnate. that's our theory.

these images are so, so dear to me.
we woke up that morning and i was stressing out, as usual,
and, as usual, adam had the lucky job of getting me to calm down,
which he is very good at
which is probably sad
because my anxiety is really bad
so he's gotten really good at it with practice.
but anyways...

when i was getting short of breath and hyperventilating a bit,
he came over and gently took my belongings out of my hands and placed them on the floor
and took my hands and said "hey. look at me" in probably the sweetest way possible.

then he asked me to trust him to carry us,
to let go when i lose control and trust that he will be able to carry us back to dry land.
and i cannot tell you how unbelievably lucky i felt at that moment as i nodded.

then while we were hanging out with amelia,
there was a moment where she asked adam to gently grab my waist
and for me to look at him like i was just melting.
it was incredibly moving and so relevant to our conversation that morning
that i had tears in my eyes for a moment.

i knew that adam accepted me for all my faults and imperfections
and that no matter what happened
i could always freely hand myself over
and i would always be loved in an entirely free and fearless way.

because... how on earth did our relationship even happen?
why did we meet each other on the train? and how?
have we really only known each other for four years?
how... in this crazy world, when we both lived miles and miles apart
and there are 6 billion other people wandering this planet...
how did we find each other?

these are questions we ask ourselves daily
and it doesn't really matter
but we know we are the lucky ones
and these pictures only cement that in my heart.


we connect to this song so much
so listen to it when you head over to amelia's blog for more (seriously, she is a gem!),
if you so choose.

happy love week!
go kiss all your loved ones!

xo.

to kick off love week...

earlier this month we got to play dress up and play pretend in a style shoot for amber lynn photography!
all i can think of while looking at these pictures
is how absolutely cold it was
(& how i wished i had worn a sweater to cover up my arms
for a number of reasons...)
and how fun it was to do this shoot with amber!
it made it totally worth it and we forgot how cold it was when she'd be shooting...
she's so wonderful!

amber is the sweetest girl to work with
and we had so much fun hanging out with her,
as well as with crystal from signature brides!
and those macaroons were to die for! get a hold of forget me not cake co. if you don't believe us!
we actually tucked a bunch of them in a napkin as we were leaving... :)

and just so you know, that's amber's pretty ring that i'm wearing in this styled shoot...
not mine! ;)


even though it was so cold (i mean... sooooo cold),
we wanted to sit at that table for hours!
it was so lovely.

head over to utah bride blog to see more
and make sure you check out amber lynn photography!

xo.

i still remember that day we met in december.

december 5th was just a day to me.

i just hopped a plane to see my grandparents and to visit some friends. 

i didn't care about much in life at that time,

so when you sat next to me on the train

it was just another encounter with a stranger. 

i was just a boring girl

in a dull life.

today is no longer just a day.

i care so much about life now that you are in it.

you are no longer a stranger

and i no longer feel boring

or like my life is dull.

i love that you still remember everything i was wearing that day.

i love that you still have some of the first texts we exchanged on that old phone of yours.
i love that you still have that phone in a box under your bed...
and you have the memory card of the first pictures we took together and will not allow it to be used for any other photos.

i love that you had the courage to sit next to me

and the courage to speak to me

and the courage to call me

and the courage to call me again. and again. 

i love that you never gave up.

i love talking about our thoughts on that train ride now that it's in hindsight, 

knowing you were smitten 

and i was so obviously not. 

knowing that you called your friends and family afterwards 

and told them you just met the girl of your dreams after fifteen minutes. 

i love that you rode waaay past your stop just to walk me off the train. 

i didn't love it then.

but gosh... i just love thinking about it now.

it was just written in the stars, i guess.

no matter what happens,
this day will always, always be important to me.
always.
it's the day i met the man who would irrevocably change who i am.
you will never know how special you are to me
but i want to spend forever showing you.

and it was extremely special being able to visit the place where we met

since that doesn't happen very often.
i am so grateful to have been there.
my heart had never been fuller.

this video is a choppy, poorly made, partial summary of our little trip and will likely mean nothing to anyone who views it besides adam & i

but it makes me so very happy. 

enjoy lots of random, meaningless, probably embarrassing clips of two people who are in love! 

happy four years, adam reid. 

i have loved every minute of it. 

xo.

inexplainable.

here's my opinion.
i think once you have found love that you just can't explain
then it's the very definition of "true love".
when it's indestructible,
unconditional,
and incomprehensible.

so...
you can find your best friend,
the most attractive person in the world,
and the coolest cat around
and fall in love with them.

but when you find that you can't even understand the love that you have for this human being,
when you find that you are unable to explain how or why you feel this way,
and when you find that even you feel that the love you have for this person is too big to fit inside of you...

then you have done it.
you've reached capacity.
you've found what we are all looking for.

and i can honestly, truly, with my entire heart...
even the spaces of it i didn't know existed until recently...
say that i have that for adam reid.

i don't care to explain to anyone how or why i feel this way
and i don't understand it
and i sometimes feel that it's too big for my tiny heart,
it's real
and is indestructible,
absolutely unconditional,
and totally and completely incomprehensible.


but it's there
and it puts a skip in my step
and makes the world look golden.
i just...
i love him.
ohhhh how i love him.

no matter what happens,
no matter how trying life gets and how difficult things are
i just love him even more.
i don't care if i'm criticized or people don't understand it.
i don't.
at all.
i don't care!
i love adam reid.

and it is utterly inexplainable.

xo.