my bones.

things have been hard lately.
real hard.
there are moments where i consider running away
and not in the way i meant when i was seven,
where running away meant teepees and wild animals and subsisting off leftover rolls you stashed away in a sack
but in a very real, "might i build a boat and sail far, far away from this?" sort of way.
the sort of way that leaves no trace but a brief goodbye note and an image on the horizon.

i believe in honesty and i think that this space allows for it
and life isn't all daisies, though we wish it were.
raise a glass to lowered inhibitions, everyone.

it's very hard to remain stagnant
and there are days when my spirit feels trapped under my bones.
there are days where the raindrops sound like footsteps and, for a moment, i picture someone
anyone
coming to whisk me away to a place i've never even heard of.
i close my eyes and imagine being scooped up
and carried through those raindrops,
getting drenched by the sky,
and saying nothing, but meaning 'yes, this is alright with me' through grabbing tighter onto the person's shoulders and burying my head into their chest
because if i watch how we get to wherever we are going
i might be tempted to go back.

i'm very blessed.
of course, i am blessed.
i experience many first world problems.
i love my husband dearly. i love my dog. i love my family.
i have so much more than so many others.
i do.
i really do.
i don't intend to leave all of the lovely things behind.
i just want to escape my own world...
this dirty empire i've somehow created through connections and schedules.

there was a moment the other day where someone asked me if i was able to help them by running across the street from my house, quickly mind you, to lend them something.
i stared at that little screen for a few seconds
and i just lost it
because there was absolutely no way i could fit such a small task in my schedule.

i'm at a very real point in my life where i look around at every temporal thing i have
and i just don't care about it.
i don't care for these clothes
or the tv across from me.
i've fallen out of love with all the beautiful pots + pans we own
and the collection of books i've not yet read.
in fact,
you could break into my house today and take all of it
and the part of my brain that stimulates tear production wouldn't light up one bit.

i realize this isn't even the tip of the iceberg in this life
and this sounds just like a commercial for cymbalta
but experiencing hopelessness, however mild or severe, is a very real part of life and it's important to share it however you find fit, right?

it's important to note in these situations the passion that remains inside of you
for even the smallest of things.
like where my thoughts wander during a commute...
usually to silly conversations in bed with my husband in the morning before either of us moves a muscle
or the sunflowers he left on the windowsill near my side of the room to burn the grey out of my world,
coming home to a very excited dog who cannot wait to tackle you out on the grass,
and even finding an old beanie you wore in high school that you forgot you had.

everyone looks for a community to share these thoughts with,
a judgement-free community ready to share in the experiences and create some sort of grievance pile in the middle and burn it together in a big, satisfying, metaphysical bonfire
and the truth is that most of us are too scared to pretend that there is that part of you that is capable of throwing sticks into that fire with people who feel the same way you do.

i guess what i'm saying is i hope to be brave enough to throw the first one down
because we are all here shuffling our feet
and all of our minds wander to those raindrop footsteps once in a while.

so raise that glass back up for love
and all the ups and downs we face
and getting real
and sitting back down in our seats when things aren't what we signed up for
and living the next day just a little bit better than today.
it's one hell of a ride, this life.

xo.

let's talk about what it means to be boring.

if someone said "disneyland is so boring"
i'd be all like...
"SAY WHA??"

and probably joke with them and say their heart was black or something.
and many would say that they were boring and liked boring things
or that they just didn't "get" it.

but guess what?
i said that about eleven times while i was in disneyland.
it's true!

i shocked even myself.

i walked around and wanted to talk about what it means to be alive.
i spent all my time while on rides thinking about existential questions
and asking them to those around me.
things like
"do you feel like you do more things wrong or more things right?"
or
"do you feel like there is a dormant part of you that once lived but even you weren't aware of it?"
or
"do you think that genetics just recycle themselves or are there really that many unique combinations of traits and how indistinguishable are we really?"

which, to others,
was extremely boring.

disneyland had its moments.
cars land was really impressive.
i ate a lot of ice cream.
people watching was as good as ever.
the mechanics of all the rides were just as thrilling as i had remembered.

but what about my value system has changed
that i would much rather be pondering mysteries of life
than just letting go and making funny faces for each picture moment on tower of terror?

why would i not submit myself to the carefree and childish atmosphere of an amusement park?
can you have both that submission and the pursuit of philosophical answers
at the same time?

ack!

am i boring or what???

xo.

good.

i got this from my sister this afternoon

and i didn't know how to answer right away.

i've been very, very affected by the tragedy this weekend. 

so much so that i am hardly able to function. 

it feels so wrong of me to feel this way

because it didn't happen to me. 

it's almost selfish of me to feel this pain when so many are directly affected and feel so much more.

but i feel it. 

it's there. 

it's so difficult. 

i mean... just writhing in pain. 

i don't need to understand anything.

no one ever will.

but i have my answer to my sister's question.

good.

there is more good in this world. 

sometimes Evil just shouts over all else,

so much louder

and it demands to be seen

but then it runs out of breath

and Good keeps humming its tune...

it's steady, beautiful, constant tune.

and when Evil shouts,

Good is there to soothe.

every time.

you just have to look for it.

what a powerful thought.

xo.

emotional swinging and why.

remember this?
well... i think i figured it out.

i have been experiencing bouts of sadness
because i'm not the happiest with what is going on around me.
i mean... i sort of hate the way things are going right now.
and i'm experiencing intense happiness
because i'm extremely pleased with who i am lately.
and... i'm just learning so much about myself and i like what i am finding.

rollercoasters, eh?

so strange and so new...

i'd rather just be happy all around,
so i'm making some environmental changes.

has anyone ever experienced this?
it's rather peculiar.

i'm just relieved i got to the bottom of things!
phew.

sharing just... you know...
in case you were wondering.

and p.s.
i'm addicted to TEDTalks. probably the healthiest addiction i've ever had.
watch this if you haven't already.
it changed my perspective on so many things.

xo.

on the fragility of life.

i thought about opening this with a few different stories that we've all heard before like...
the time a father and daughter got in a fight right before one of them lost their life in a car accident
or the time someone found out they had cancer and three days later they passed away,

but we've all heard those before, right?

one major theme of my current struggles is fragility.
because life is very fragile,
the human body is so fragile,
and our minds are so very fragile.

and after having a lot of things taken away from me like some relationships, my own health, my good grades, my car, money, some clothes and shoes, my good report with people, my reputation with some, etc...

i suddenly have found myself a different person entirely.

honestly,
the cliche statement
"everything you have today could be gone tomorrow"
is the truth.

and i started feeling just... anger, i suppose, for all the times i have taken everything for granted.

i mean...
my closet is still amazing.
my hips and my legs and my feet are functional
and i can still dance.
my family is together. and loves each other.
i am still in love with adam reid and that is a blessing.
i have a rockin laptop and a great camera.
i have amazing friends.
my puppy is still cute and here and loyal.
i have plans to reconnect with three old friends this week.
i have so many service opportunities presented to me.
i am literate.
i am healthy.
i am strong.

and at any moment in my life,
any of those things can be ripped from me.

i don't want to say that i live with morbidity,
but things just.... well, they DIE! all the time!

and i look at people who don't have the choice to leave,
like my grandmother with her alzheimer's who is slowly leaving us every day...

and then i look at people like my love's father who made the choice to leave his beautiful family,
or even people who live under the same roof who don't share loving exchanges,
or friends who slowly slip away from each other

and i want to SHAKE these people!

why would you make that choice when there are so many other people who don't even have that choice but are forced into it?
why would you let hatred or fear creep in and take hold of you?

i can promise you,
that assuming anything...
assuming that time will take care of forgiveness,
assuming that space will make your love grow fonder,
assuming that you will have the chance to make amends,
assuming that your home will still be standing when you pull up...

that is never wise.
i don't care if that is comfortable.
i don't care if you think that is what is best for you at that time.
it's foolish.

you work to gain appreciation.
it is work.
and it is the best and most prolific work you will ever do.

if you have a hard time forgiving? work harder.
if you have a hard time staying happy? work harder.
if you have a hard time maintaining old friendships? work harder.

you just have to work harder and stop making excuses.
you have to realize what you have, what you need, and what you want
and work for it.

because bones break and tires pop and your family will die. they will.

and there are messages everywhere telling you to be grateful already!
there are those who have been on the other side...
where one day they up and lost everything
and they beg people to appreciate what they have,
to say i love yous and thank yous and how are yous
because that may be your last chance.

they beg people to hold on to things,
to cast out fear
and just live
and love

and we ignore them!

assumptions, i think, show a lack of appreciation for possibility.
assumptions are a foolish confidence in a status quo and its endurance.

so honestly?
live life with a little morbidity if it makes you appreciate the fragility of the things we cherish.
have those little "death, dying, ripped from me like a bandaid" thoughts when you're hugging people and writing letters and driving your car and eating and traveling and shopping and working out and whenever.
and cherish... absolutely cherish those moments.

don't channel it into fear. channel it into i-better-get-my-act-together-and-appreciate-what-i-have.

because life works like waves... and sometimes it's nice and you can wade around
and sometimes it's a fatal tsunami.

and there is no telling.

life is fragile.
handle with care.
that is all.

now,
i'm off to spend some time with my family and away from this computer screen.

xo.

dead or alive.

this is a very strange feeling.

i have absolutely, positively, no idea
if i am extremely happy
or extremely depressed.

symptoms:
excessive crying, mood swings, butterflies in the stomach, intense laughter, & frequent zoning out...
among other things.

a pessimist might assume i've got the blues,
but ariel also had most of these symptoms after she went up where they spend all day in the sun.

all i know
is that i have thought,
"i am the happiest i have been in a while!"
and
"how will i make it through today?"
within a five minute period.
& repeat. for the 20 hours of each day that i spend awake lately.

it. is. the strangest.

it's just... hysteria with no clear blueprint.

but i'm reaping the assumed benefits
which include increased creativity, decreased inhibitions, and reconnections with old friends
(since i've been asking my old bffs for all kinds o' advice these days).

and, to continue with the string of false causality,
i've had some really good hair days.

but... sucks about my brain, though.

is this normal?
this is some kind of puzzle.
hope it gets sorted out soon.


off to cry now!

xo.

fork in the road.

have you even noticed that there are just so many choices in life?
did i hear a 'no'?
well, let me walk you through it!

there are big choices like
how much money to spend on certain things,
when to get married,
what to major in,
where to live,
etcetera.

then there are the silly choices
like whether to grow your hair out or keep it short,
what to wear for certain events,
which gym to join,
what to eat for dinner,
etcetera.

guess which choices are plaguing me the most right now?
you guessed it... the trivial ones!

when both options are viable ones,
which do you pick?

what a conflict!

like, as pictured,
we would love to live in the city
but we could also live in a trailer.

and
since i've been taking classes
i'm madly in love with photography even if i'm not quite talented in it.
it makes me so very happy
but i could also keep my major in social sciences and help people.

but... the real question is...
how on earth do you pick between two quilts that are meant to last you the next ten years?! 

do you ever feel like you focus on frivolous things to distract from the concrete choices you need to make?
me either...

i heard once that the best way to predict the future is to create it
and i'm feeling that weight on all of my choices in this fork in the road.

the real underlying true factual down under question to be asking here is
what will make us feel most successful?
and, more importantly,
what is our personal definition of success?

we can always change after we make decisions.
nothing is permanent.
so...
city or suburbs?
art or service?
spring or summer?

so many choices!
ah!

but, really though...
i'm leaning toward the second quilt...

xo.

not another teen crisis

on thanksgiving,

i surprisingly had a grand meltdown. 

of all the days, right?

i was so very stressed for many reasons:

-since dyeing my hair blonde, it's so damaged that i can rarely wear it down.

-i have hardly been eating at all and gained about 7 lbs in the last 2 months

-my ipod fell and shattered 

-my car is still not working and i heard it could be super pricey to fix

-i'm living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to pay my bills {while living at home!}

-my third new phone in a month is not working

-bruno is going through a rebellious-teen puppy phase and chewing eeeeverything

-for some reason, i can NEVER{!} seem to remember to take redbox movies back

-i've been having heavy, pounding headaches daily

-adam started another job and i barely see the guy anymore

-my skin is starting to go all "before-picture" on me again

to top it off,

i seem to get sick all the time + my body is so sensitive to temps, foods, germs, etc. 

the list goes on,

and it's oh-so overwhelming sometimes. 

i can honestly say that, on paper, my life is in one of the lowest dips it's ever been.

adam came over for t-day 

and i completely acted out on him. 

so unfair!

i was crying and throwing myself onto my bed,

and possibly a pillow or two was thrown across my room {shh!},

but adam remained entirely calm. 

under some sort of odd love spell, he walked over to me, swept my messy hair out of my face,

and said,

"you're not a psycho.

well,

you're partially-psycho for thinking poorly of yourself right now.

but you're a cute partially-psycho chick.

all of this is temporary."

he then proceeds to provide remedies to all my problems

and says that i'm lucky to have a body that is so sensitive and in-tune with the world. 

i just need to stay more protected.

gee,

i never thought of it that way. 

he left me alone to lay in my cocoon of blankets

so i could emerge a grateful butterfly

like i should have been at the start.

so my self-centered meltdown on the day of thanks

ended up being capsized 

and i learned me sum perspective.

i just needed a soft and patient yet large and nerdy black individual to calm my crisis.

plus,

he smelled good

and that's like sweet lovin' for my senses. 

i quite like this adam fella. 

i'm thinking of asking him to go steady with me. 

good idea, no?

wretch

{photocred unknown}

quite suddenly,
i'm finding myself underwater.

though,
i don't feel safe, pretty, floating, free.

i'm searching for the comfort of waves,
listening for the absence of sound while plunged under the surface.
hearing muffled voices,
but being unable to sort the syllables into words.

i'm finding myself swimming,
needing to plan when to breathe.

unless you decide to find cover in this ocean, too,
no one will ever know i am here.

i tried and tried and tried....
oh HOW i did try...
tried to stay above.
tried to stay where it was
warm,
dry,
soft.

tried until i could no more.
scratched at the sand until my fingers bled,
screamed until my face turned blue,
kicked until i could feel my legs no more.

this current pulled me.
it pulled me under
and far away.

it had to.
this,
i know.

the current was waiting for me,
waiting until i got close to the shore.
seeing my pale legs and freckled skin,
being so ready to drag me into this sea.

there is a gentle desperation
that i'm sure you could feel, too,
if you were to touch me.

if you listen hard enough,
you might be able to hear it in my voice.
you may just be able to taste it in the thick haze of my atmosphere.

i have not cried.
i'm not waiting for anyone to come.
i haven't shouted "help".

instead,
the lights will remain on while i sleep,
as if they will deflect the terrors i may face while my mind isn't looking.

my nights
will be filled with dark reflections of my efforts to stay on that beach,
knowing halfway through my wanderings that there was another force waiting out of sight.

my days
will be spent wandering
needing to plan when to breathe.

i will bandage my hands.
every step i take will be work.
i will have to turn a key to open my mouth...

but each moment i am struggling,
will be met by love when it's over.

something so passionate,
so violent,
so wild and blazing...
well,
it's crossed that metaphysical blur into my Now.
here it is,
that tangible piece of it all,
sitting on my nightstand
with a life of its own
perched and ready to take mine.

but here i am.

the sun still rises on me.
the world still has surfaces i have never seen nor touched.
i am alive.

i am closer to the clouds up here

today i am reminded of one of my favorite projects.
i cried when i first heard about it.
it's so beautiful.

one of the spokespeople just so happens to be the lovely miss demi lovato.
that poor girl has been through so much in the last 2 years,
only to come out on top.

people comment on how she has lost her fame, her bff, her record deal.
but she found herself.
she fought back against those
inner demons,
against pressure,
against silence.

i adore the girl.

people from all over the world submit photos of them declaring that love is louder.
love is the loudest thing in this world.
louder than the pressure to be perfect, insecurities, bullying, hate, temptations, belittling, fear.

love is so loud, so powerful, so full.
love is the answer.

love. is. so. loud.

days like this, i keep wanting to tweet on how difficult life can be.

i had a good two hours of crying and pits of the stomach.
now i just need to be strong,
which is so hard.

it's been a long time coming
but it really hit me today.


it's taking me everything i have not to verbally stand up for myself and people that i love,
but that wouldn't do anything at this point,
but make it worse.



this is more for me than anyone else,
because i seriously need to say it as many times as i can.
until it really sinks in.



surround yourself with people that uplift you.


i. cannot. emphasize. this. enough.


you may have to coexist with these people,
but you do not need to surround yourself or give attention to the bullying.


no one that you look up to has ever let themselves be victimized.
people did not understand dr. king.
people laughed at gandhi.
people murdered a lot of my heroes.

they would not be heroes to me if they let the haters get to them.
i would not have even heard of them if they were like this.

ayley,
these people don't know what they're talking about.
neither do you.

do not let them permeate the barrier and get to you like you have this whole morning.
do not cry and be hurt.
it's not real.
it will go away.

please.

Christ faced things much worse than this.
your hero dr. frankl experienced hell compared to this.
think about people who are lifting you up.
people who celebrate you.

be a better person because of this.

resolve this with love.
love is louder than this.

bullying is real.
i know.

love is the answer! 

stay high. grow stronger. have love.

my favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite book helps me every day of my life.

people can take everything you have,

they can break your plans,

they can stomp on your dreams until you are walking on shattered glass alone in a world you do not recognize,
they can stand over you and watch you squirm,
or they can marvel at you getting back on your feet.

they can take everything,

but they can never steal your spirit.

they can NEVER take your attitude.

no one else determines how high your chin is.

the only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with things.

be a skyscraper.

pray every night for the hearts of those who wish to see you fall
that they may be softened.
pray for confidence.
pray for strength.
pray for my poor sisters!!

just pray for love
because love is louder.

...but sometimes it hurts instead

i had a workshop on monday.
danced to adele.

always awesome.

i love having impromptu workshops.
it's amazing to see who comes,
who really wants to be there on their day off.

i love being in a room full of people that have a common desire
and just standing there and taking all the energy in.
i love it oh-so much.

we danced for change.
we danced for heartbreak.
we danced for purpose.

that's basically what it's all about anyways.
finding purpose.
in everything.

my dear cindi once talked about loss,
about heartbreak...
how she just had to remind herself that what she had was just a glimpse of what is to come.
really, that's all that it is sometimes.

it's never easy,
losing something.
never.

we get cut from auditions,
we lose in relationships,
we don't get into our dream college.

doors close on us all the time.
these things are often just glimpses of what is to come.
bigger and better things.
things MEANT for us.

there's always, ALWAYS a reason
a purpose
for our loss.
even if we don't see it right away.

i asked everyone to just lose themselves,
to think about loss and purpose
and recognize that there is freedom in acceptance.


{i would seriously recommend watching the whole video. it's wonderful observing how everyone takes the story and tells it a little differently}


i had no idea that several days later i would lose something
so
so
so
dear to me.
so suddenly.

i'm struggling to find purpose
due to the circumstances in which
i lost.

now this song,
this combo
is speaking to me in an entirely different way.
and it is so tragic.

the loss itself may have purpose... but what about my psyche? what about the manner in which it was taken away from me? how am i going to explain this to my aching heart? "there's a reason for everything"???

because
for me it isn't over.

i can't seem to take my own medicine, now, can i?

since the day you were born

my birthday was a nice day.
i had such a hard time when it started.
SUCH a hard time.

my mom came to talk to me and try to calm me down.
she kind of yelled at me, which i needed.
then when she left my bedroom
i went back underneath the covers
and just
prayed.

prayer is the answer.
always always always.

my life is a blessing.
everything in it.

the Lord knows my struggles and just wanted me to reach out to Him, His Son, and the Holy Ghost on this day for comfort.

i sat in my room alone for the next hour and wanted to do something therapeutic.
i pulled out the big guns:
braiding my hair, playing some beatles, and singing.
that one prayer altered my whole day.

almost the SECOND i was ready to emerge from my bedroom, my littlest sister came in and invited me to come watch megamind in my mom's room with her.

it was a weird request but it was just what i needed.

the whole rest of the day i felt the comfort of my Heavenly Father.
i know why i was upset.
i know what to do to get some assistance.

we cannot do it alone sometimes.
prayer is the answer!

my family is so sweet and thoughtful.
thank you so much for making this a lovely birthday.

{maybe i'm kind of in love with tangled}

my dad made my cake :)

my mama made this card

my very own ellie badge

thank you so much to everyone i talked to yesterday
for making me happy on my birthday.

on this day {aprilthirdnineteeneightynine}...

it's officially my birthday
and i cannot stop crying.

i researched why people get depressed on their birthdays...
getting older,
evaluating their lives,
no gifts,
no family,
and so forth.

i am getting older. it happens.
i evaluate my life every day. no biggie.
my family is kind,
and they're around.

i can't figure out why...
but i have a few guesses.

1) i have a suppressed hatred for birthday cake and it's surfacing
2) birthday means lots of attention on me {which isn't my favorite thing...}
3) i don't appreciate myself {and other reasons in this lovely cocktail}

man.
that's a harsh feeling right there.
i can't hide it and i hate it.


seriously.
now i understand why they wish you a happy birthday. emphasis on that first word.

the one thing i strive for in life is happiness.
the ONE thing.
that is ALL i want.
however i achieve it... i just want to be truly, purely happy in my lifetime.

i find it hardest to do on this day.
how weird is that?

i'd like to wish for a happy birthday.
i just want that happy that i'm promised on this day.

gosh this is hard.

while our blood's still young {it's so young that it runs} we won't stop 'til it's over

my life has been so full
of things i don't want there.
just negative things.

and it's also been so empty.

i don't want it.

i've lost the sparkle in my eyes.
i fell for life into its traps
and now i wanna bridge the gaps.
{10 points for gryffindor if you recognize the song}


i am just tired.
i keep choreographing dances about being tired,
being in toxic environments.
i keep reading material that is about a person in similar situations.
i keep watching films about dysfunction.

yes, that is a complete reflection on my life.

i've been in toxic relationships lately.
people have said to me, and behind my back,
that they do not respect me.
that they think i'm selfish {which is the WORST thing you can say to me. if you really want to hurt me, there's your ticket}
people say i'm gone.
people say i'm lost.

it's hard to remember what i wanted to be when i grew up.
my environment has not been helping.
at all.
i'm surrounded by people and things that are not helping me see the light.

it is seriously hurting me.

i just have to let go.

so i woke up today
and started listening to william fitzsimmons
and logged on to this badboy right here.

i had a dream last night that i took a trip with my future husband
 and we brought my grandma along.
while we were there
at this house
there were tons of mirrors everywhere.
i constantly had to look at myself.

there were many doors and for some reason i couldn't remember which room was ours.
i stumbled into a room with an old man sitting on the floor
of an empty room
alone.
he welcomed me in,
began talking about his life,
giving me blessings,
telling me to let go.

i began to cry and he hugged me.
i didn't know him well, but i felt calm when he touched me.
he told me his name
and that he was sick.
he was going to die.
i began to weep uncontrollably,
but he comforted me and resumed talking about his life.
my grandmother came in to listen as well.
she has alzheimers, so she asked him to repeat things a lot.

he repeated two things to me several times:
all light does not originate solely around us.
live like you are eating.

i ran away to grab my husband and the rest of the people in the house.
he was amazing.
when i returned he was gone.
he had died.
no one believed that anyone had ever been in that room.
they said i was crazy.
i became very frustrated.
then i realized it didn't matter if they believed me.

then some random stuff happened involving a dog living at the house,
and i think that's when my subconscious thought it would give me a break.
{also i fell asleep listening to a police scanner broadcasting nypd stuff so maybe that has something to do with it}

i woke up just sobbing.
i wanted to slap myself.
out of nowhere i remembered my favorite book, written by one of the most amazing people to ever grace the planet.

the man was in a concentration camp, for crying out loud.
here are some brilliantly beautiful quotes from the book:

"There is also purpose in life which is almost barren of both creation and enjoyment and which admits of but one possibility of high moral behavior: namely, in man's attitude to his existence, an existence restricted by external forces."


"What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment."


"We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value; and (3) by suffering."


"It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life - daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."


oh gosh, right?
i find his experiences so, so, so inspiring. 
he was taken from his home, his life, his family. 
everything.
put in one of the most horrific situations.
and he writes this??


wow.


what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is my problem?


here is one of the quotes that sticks with me strongest:


"Everything can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human freedoms - to choose
one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."


everything was taken from him.
he saw firsthand that you still have freedom, despite your environment.


what is stopping me from being the person i want?
really.... it's just me. 


mr. frankl didn't have respect from his captors. 
he had a ph.d. 
he was living with the love of his life. 
he had family, success, friends. 
then it was gone. 
why do i need to worry about what i am receiving from others?
respect? kindness? dignity?
no. 
i need to focus on the light.
i need to allow these things for others. 
i need to allow these things for myself.


to my dream,
the two things that were repeated...
i need to create my own light. 
i am light. 
i need to borrow the good light from others and make it my own. 
i need to take my own light and share it with the world. 
i need to constantly create that light that is inside of me. 
even if no one is shining it on me at the time. 
that doesn't matter. 


i need to devour life. 
i wouldn't eat garbage or rotten food. 
i only want things that are good for my body. 


good food makes me really happy.
and that's what it is about.


happiness. 


that is what all of this is about. 


moments of happiness.


like...
 caitlin noel maurer's wedding last week. 
 finding a random dog in the parking lot of the draper temple and carrying it around with me for a while. 
 snuggling up with my own dog.
 good hair days. 
 painting my nails to match my outfit. 
 listening to great Christmas music. 
 pulling into the driveway right as a song is ending.
 compliments.
 making paper chains and snowflakes by myself and hanging them up around the house.
 finding that i have more red glitter than any other color.
 watching tangled.
 old home movies. 
 happy workers while i'm shopping.
 randomly crying because i love Jesus so much {yep that happened}
 being able to laugh at the craptacular job i did trimming my own bangs.
 new babies.
 christmas lights.
 restoring bicycles.
 making headbands.
 knitting.
 hot chocolate.
 talking with old friends. 
 being inspired by the happiness of others.


there literally is NO reason i should not be happy. 
life is beautiful. 
so many things are beautiful. 
these things far outnumber the bad things. 
there is beauty in love,
family, 
friends,
flowers,
snow,
coincidences,
music,
art,
laughter...


just happiness.


happiness is beautiful. 
i want it. 
and it's mine for the taking. 

Heartbreak

it's just like they say.
feels like my heart is breaking
into a million tiny pieces.

just sitting in my chest, slowly cracking apart
and falling into the pit of my stomach.
and it hurts.
it's not just my heart.
it's everywhere.
it's in my arms, my legs, my neck, my fingers,
my labored breathing, my slumped shoulders, my sore eyes.

i have an agonizing lack of energy that is threatening to keep my legs paralyzed,
but it's just like they say...
i just want to keep busy.
i don't want to have time for Heartbreak.
if i keep moving, maybe it will stop my heart from peeling away.
maybe moving will force my heart to keep beating,
and it will say,
"we can't disintegrate now, she needs us. her legs need us. her lungs need us."
and i will be okay for a while.

i don't want even a moment to think.
i don't want to sit at stoplights. i don't want to wait in lines.
i don't want to watch television, read books, listen to music.
the moment i am still, i cannot breath.

the moment i am still,
i begin to cry.
Heartbreak doesn't allow me to cry as i ordinarily would.
i cannot breath in,
rather,
tears roll down my face as i heave outwards and clutch my chest,
making inhuman sounds and wanting to drop to my knees. 

it's just like they say.
i cannot listen to love songs.
i cannot listen to happy music.
i cannot watch romantic movies.
i cannot look at couples or happy families.
i cannot open my emails, texts, look at my call history.
i cannot look at anything that might remind me of my heartbreak,
or i feel the weight of a large piece of it hitting my stomach on its way down.

i do not care what i look like,
what i sound like.
this is not me.
this is Heartbreak.

i need to be exorcised, i think.

when trying to stay busy, i'll intermittently have thoughts about Heartbreak.
about how i can get rid of him.
i want to find something really sharp,
really, very sharp,
and ask someone to cut my chest open and remove him.
they can take my heart, too.
it's just like they say.

if anyone is interested, i think i might have a medical issue.
or somethin.
i need a check up.
it feels as though something with really sharp claws is digging into my abdomen really deeply and slowly dragging itself downward.
then other times i feel as though i'd like to scream but something has its hand over my mouth, rendering me silent.
sometimes i'd like to breath but it feels like something is standing on top of me, crushing me.
it's a problem i'd like fixed,
except i can't really see what it is that is doing it.
maybe a demon.
or a ghost.
we should ask a priest.
i'm concerned.

yes,
i feel like garbage.
worthless.
i feel heavy, mangled, and crooked.
i feel...
alone.


i think the worst thing about Heartbreak,
is that it's just like they say,
but words can only describe it to a certain dimension.

Heartbreak feels just as he sounds.
it's worse when it is broken slowly.
i'd rather have my heart smashed quickly,
like a bandaid.

not this time.

this time it was lifted up momentarily,
then peeled slowly and torturously,
until finally, when its keeper knew it couldn't stand itself,
left it to rot away on its own.

thank you, Heartbreak.
you really are as awful as they say...

and somehow much worse.

i need

...a lot of things.
like sleep.
i could just lie awake all the time
if it weren't for baby lullabies.

i need to be happy. it's easy to be happy when i'm not in my normal life.

i need to figure out why.

i need sleep.
i need to do my homework.
i need to exercise more.
i need to go to the doctor.
i need to take a shower.
i need to work on my hobbies and talents more.
i need to do what i say i'm gonna do.
i need to take my vitamins regularly.
i need to choreograph for fun more.
i need to get my nails done... or at least paint them.
i need to talk to my grandparents more often.
i need friends.
i need to go to church regularly.
i need to get ready more often and take pride in my appearance.
i need to help my cats out and get their shots and get them fixed.
i need to get out of the house more.
i need to clean my room.
i need new bedding.
i need hard copies of my pictures.
i need to do more service.
i need help.

i really need help.
i need to figure out what is wrong with me lately.

i feel like i can't do anything by myself.
i just want someone to help me
but i don't even know how they could,
where they would start,
what they would do.

i know what i need,
but i have no idea what i really need.

fri(END)ship

i'm not buying a new box of bandages
because i won't need them anymore.
i'm either going to wear my injuries proudly
or stay away from scissors.

might depend on the day.

i've bought so many boxes in the past.
it's funny how we go to the store and put the bandages among the other things we are planning on using:
shampoo
toothbrush
lotion
a box of oranges
laundry detergent
etc...
like we're planning on getting hurt.
or maybe it's like buying insurance...
more of a "just in case" type of investment.

i bought you a box of bandages.
three of them.
because i knew you would get hurt.
not that i wanted you to...
i wanted to protect you.

i found some bandages when you stepped on a needle,
helped you get it out,
wrapped your foot up,
told you it was going to be fine.

i made a bandage out of a piece of a towel when we were in a pinch
and you were bleeding.

i'm sorry
but i can't bandage you anymore.
i have my own wounds to tend to,
and i'm losing more blood than you realize.

i can't be around you.
i can't.
not anymore.

i can't be around you
because you are too sharp
and i'm not buying any more bandages.

whyme. whythisnow. whythisway.

he is stunning. so stunning. i am mesmerized.
you have no idea what this does to me.
it's so hard for me to watch this... it's just... heavy.
if i could break off a piece of my soul and watch it dance...
i just couldn't do this myself.

take a pen to me, please

"i love the girl that owns this arm"

was written
on someone's arm.
my sister's arm.

and i thought it was so sweet.
and then my eyes welled
and i said aloud,
"it would be the weirdest thing to see that on my own arm"
because no one feels that way about me.

people love me
but not in that way.

they say "i love you"
they hug me.
they kiss me.
they look at me.

people love me enough to go out of their way to help me
people love me enough to hug me when i'm sad
people love me enough to leave me alone when i'm angry
to wish me a happy birthday
to compliment me
to write me letters and notes and texts.
people love me.

i want that kind of love where you want to doodle on someone's arm,
claiming it
while advertising your love for that person.
i want doodles and whispers
and silly jokes about my breasts being mountains while toy cars drive around my stomach.

as i cried alone in my room i realized how important those things are to me.
those, to me, are beautiful expressions of innocent love.
someone feels that way about my sister.
i want to feel that way about someone.
i want someone to feel that way about me.
so bad.
so bad that i had to retreat to my room to cry.

those things seem so silly to some
but they are so deep and meaningful to me.
i want that kind of childlike love so bad.
because it is so pure.
and beautiful.
and i will find it.

this is their story

we are a story.
we had a beginning
and we will have an end.
{but let's not talk about that for now}


this story could be great.


it could be filled with castles and dragons,
with princes and horses and magic,
with holy beings and lovely things.
it could be filled with dark witches or plots to destroy the world,
with curses or with wicked stepmothers.


it could be filled with love and hatred,
with richness or poorness,
sickness or health,
death or birth.


we are a story
and as the pages turn we learn what befalls us.


some stories are told once and never again.
they are too weak.
too soft.
they had it too easy.


some stories are told several times and then fall through the cracks.
their story was sweet.
nice.
good-hearted,
yet had no meat to carry it through the generations.


every good story must endure something terrible,
must have passionate heroes,
must have love.
so ours must be a good story.


i keep flipping the pages waiting for the next chapter,
waiting to see what's going to happen to us...
just waiting...


and enduring...


and the pages keep turning.


and my fingers are tired of papercuts. 


but our story will be great. 
because every great story must endure something terrible.
so ours will be one for the ages. 
so i will endure.
or try...


...but i'm ready for lovely things and castles and happily ever after.
so evil dragon, please leave us alone.
go back to the wicked witch who sent you.
i want to return to home to my castle gardens
and start the next chapter. 


here's to courage.
here's to endurance.
here's to perseverance and strength and might
and everything that is going to carry us through to the end.


here's to power.
here's to God.
here's to beauty.


and...

here's to you, Love.

you are my story.

{photo via beautyineverything}