i am closer to the clouds up here

today i am reminded of one of my favorite projects.
i cried when i first heard about it.
it's so beautiful.

one of the spokespeople just so happens to be the lovely miss demi lovato.
that poor girl has been through so much in the last 2 years,
only to come out on top.

people comment on how she has lost her fame, her bff, her record deal.
but she found herself.
she fought back against those
inner demons,
against pressure,
against silence.

i adore the girl.

people from all over the world submit photos of them declaring that love is louder.
love is the loudest thing in this world.
louder than the pressure to be perfect, insecurities, bullying, hate, temptations, belittling, fear.

love is so loud, so powerful, so full.
love is the answer.

love. is. so. loud.

days like this, i keep wanting to tweet on how difficult life can be.

i had a good two hours of crying and pits of the stomach.
now i just need to be strong,
which is so hard.

it's been a long time coming
but it really hit me today.


it's taking me everything i have not to verbally stand up for myself and people that i love,
but that wouldn't do anything at this point,
but make it worse.



this is more for me than anyone else,
because i seriously need to say it as many times as i can.
until it really sinks in.



surround yourself with people that uplift you.


i. cannot. emphasize. this. enough.


you may have to coexist with these people,
but you do not need to surround yourself or give attention to the bullying.


no one that you look up to has ever let themselves be victimized.
people did not understand dr. king.
people laughed at gandhi.
people murdered a lot of my heroes.

they would not be heroes to me if they let the haters get to them.
i would not have even heard of them if they were like this.

ayley,
these people don't know what they're talking about.
neither do you.

do not let them permeate the barrier and get to you like you have this whole morning.
do not cry and be hurt.
it's not real.
it will go away.

please.

Christ faced things much worse than this.
your hero dr. frankl experienced hell compared to this.
think about people who are lifting you up.
people who celebrate you.

be a better person because of this.

resolve this with love.
love is louder than this.

bullying is real.
i know.

love is the answer! 

stay high. grow stronger. have love.

my favoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavoritefavorite book helps me every day of my life.

people can take everything you have,

they can break your plans,

they can stomp on your dreams until you are walking on shattered glass alone in a world you do not recognize,
they can stand over you and watch you squirm,
or they can marvel at you getting back on your feet.

they can take everything,

but they can never steal your spirit.

they can NEVER take your attitude.

no one else determines how high your chin is.

the only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with things.

be a skyscraper.

pray every night for the hearts of those who wish to see you fall
that they may be softened.
pray for confidence.
pray for strength.
pray for my poor sisters!!

just pray for love
because love is louder.

i was born in the springtime

spring time.
i love you so much.
and when there is enough love there,
two beings make certain promises to each other.
so here are my vows to you, spring time.

i promise to...
- never wear shoes
- never eat lunch without a picnic basket
- plant as many ranunculus, centifolia roses, and peony bushes as my garden can handle
- visit the tulip festival
- never pass up the opportunity that a playground swing set brings to me
- fly a homemade kite
- throw a bbq
- drive my car with the top down allldatime
- blast music while the top is down alldatime.
- really take advantage of our herb garden this year
- wear dresses daily
- participate in spring cleaning!
- utterly exhaust my amazazazing bike from all the riding we will do
- wear overalls. you heard me.
- see the ocean
- take the puppy out to enjoy the weather daily
- hike until my legs can no longer take another step
- refinish some furniture
- never leave the house without a camera
- read a few good books {outside, of course}
- go kayaking
- braid my hair at least once a week
- skip down a tree-lined street
- buy fruits from roadside stands
- buy a wide brim hat
- paint my nails in springy colors evvvvry day
- tie bows in my hair with found ribbon scraps
- pray daily in thanks for the beautifulbeautifulbeautiful weather

springtime,
i only ask one thing in return...

that you stay with me for as long as we both shall live
for better or for worse
til death do us part.

at least until summer takes over :)

my birthday is on sunday.
i'm so happy i was born just on the brink of flowers, bare feet, and EASTER.
conference is on my birthday this year.
wow... just WOW.
so much to be thankful for!

i went for a drive today.
top down.
hair down.
listening to music and getting down.

i haven't experienced happiness like this since the leaves left the trees.

springtime,
the beauty that is all around me overwhelms my entire being.
the sun is shining,
birds are chirping,
grass is growing,
there are buds on my pear tree.

WOW.

i love you so much.

i'm yours forever!

Heartbreak

it's just like they say.
feels like my heart is breaking
into a million tiny pieces.

just sitting in my chest, slowly cracking apart
and falling into the pit of my stomach.
and it hurts.
it's not just my heart.
it's everywhere.
it's in my arms, my legs, my neck, my fingers,
my labored breathing, my slumped shoulders, my sore eyes.

i have an agonizing lack of energy that is threatening to keep my legs paralyzed,
but it's just like they say...
i just want to keep busy.
i don't want to have time for Heartbreak.
if i keep moving, maybe it will stop my heart from peeling away.
maybe moving will force my heart to keep beating,
and it will say,
"we can't disintegrate now, she needs us. her legs need us. her lungs need us."
and i will be okay for a while.

i don't want even a moment to think.
i don't want to sit at stoplights. i don't want to wait in lines.
i don't want to watch television, read books, listen to music.
the moment i am still, i cannot breath.

the moment i am still,
i begin to cry.
Heartbreak doesn't allow me to cry as i ordinarily would.
i cannot breath in,
rather,
tears roll down my face as i heave outwards and clutch my chest,
making inhuman sounds and wanting to drop to my knees. 

it's just like they say.
i cannot listen to love songs.
i cannot listen to happy music.
i cannot watch romantic movies.
i cannot look at couples or happy families.
i cannot open my emails, texts, look at my call history.
i cannot look at anything that might remind me of my heartbreak,
or i feel the weight of a large piece of it hitting my stomach on its way down.

i do not care what i look like,
what i sound like.
this is not me.
this is Heartbreak.

i need to be exorcised, i think.

when trying to stay busy, i'll intermittently have thoughts about Heartbreak.
about how i can get rid of him.
i want to find something really sharp,
really, very sharp,
and ask someone to cut my chest open and remove him.
they can take my heart, too.
it's just like they say.

if anyone is interested, i think i might have a medical issue.
or somethin.
i need a check up.
it feels as though something with really sharp claws is digging into my abdomen really deeply and slowly dragging itself downward.
then other times i feel as though i'd like to scream but something has its hand over my mouth, rendering me silent.
sometimes i'd like to breath but it feels like something is standing on top of me, crushing me.
it's a problem i'd like fixed,
except i can't really see what it is that is doing it.
maybe a demon.
or a ghost.
we should ask a priest.
i'm concerned.

yes,
i feel like garbage.
worthless.
i feel heavy, mangled, and crooked.
i feel...
alone.


i think the worst thing about Heartbreak,
is that it's just like they say,
but words can only describe it to a certain dimension.

Heartbreak feels just as he sounds.
it's worse when it is broken slowly.
i'd rather have my heart smashed quickly,
like a bandaid.

not this time.

this time it was lifted up momentarily,
then peeled slowly and torturously,
until finally, when its keeper knew it couldn't stand itself,
left it to rot away on its own.

thank you, Heartbreak.
you really are as awful as they say...

and somehow much worse.

wrap yourself around me, cause i ain't the way you found me...

do not proceed without listening to this song.
yann tiersen is a gift from God.
a gift.
to me.
to you.
to the world.
i am crying as we speak because his fingers, his brain, his soul...
they have created beautiful, beautiful things.
please join me in an open prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
We are so very thankful for the gift that Yann Tiersen is to the world. His music has blessed our lives, my life. He has done excellently at sharing and developing his talents and he truly is a gift. Thank you so much for Yann Tiersen.
How great Thou art.
We say these things in the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.

i pray often and thank the Lord for music but i pray the most for the beauty of Yann Tiersen. i don't know what his music does to my soul... but it connects it to everything somehow and i just feel... held.

here is the song.
play it in the background
in a new window
please.

the most beautiful thing about music is it offers you the chance to be still.
to be still and reflect.
you can just sit
quietly
listening
closing your eyes
breathing deeply
and looking inside of you.

my favorite things.

my favorite songs make me feel like the wind is blowing while i'm indoors.
my favorite songs make me want to move and sit still at the same time.
make me want my eyes open and closed at the same time.

i wonder why music makes me feel sad or happy or angry
or why it reminds me of things
like childhood summers
or vacations to faraway places.
why it makes me feel.

it doesn't.
those things are inside me already.

i connect with music with my soul.
i open myself,
cut myself down the middle,
and let music come at me like a thousand knives.
it is painfully beautiful.
music pierces me like needles and fills me
as i take a deep breath of something that i hadn't breathed for a long time.
music swarms my body,
runs through my veins,
wraps itself around me,
holds me,
whispers to me things that i had forgotten
but things that i knew were still there.

music slithers through my bones
around my ribcage
through my muscles
and finds things i had lost
and carries them back to me.

it gently lays them to rest as it continues to sing to me
and tell me of the other treasures it has recovered from other souls,
souls that are not mine.
it twists around me as i breathe it in and begin to cry.
music then flattens itself like a blanket and wraps itself around me and comforts me.

i continue to breathe
and music breathes with me.
and sings.
my breathing turns into humming.
and music moves into my mouth with me
as i begin to sing
and we become one voice.

music fills my lungs,
fills my heart,
and surrounds me.

i feel it nearing an end
and i know it will leave me
but music whispers to me,
and we breathe together,
and music returns my memories to their proper places
and we share one last breath.
as i breathe music out
my soul is alone again.

music always leaves traces of itself on my soul.
i can remember when it has visited.
i can remember what it brought when it last came.
i can remember what i felt when it twisted itself around my soul.

so i say a silent prayer thanking music
and i ask music to visit me once more.



.....and i'll never be the same.

don't stop to let it pass you by, you gotta look yourself in the eye and...

...well...
i asked adam,
"what are three things you wish you could change about me?"
without hesitation he responded,
"first thing: the way you view yourself".


i don't think i'm pretty.
i don't think i'm smart.
i'm not creative,
generous,
righteous,
or worthy of much.
adam hates that.
i should hate it too.


 {cue one of ayley's favorite songs as background music. open this in a new window}


i started thinking today...
"ayley.
you have much that you can credit yourself just by design."
i recalled a talk by President Monson i had read a few days earlier.
you are a woman, ayley,
and women are remarkable beings.
President Hinckley also had a few words to say about that:

“Woman is God’s supreme creation. Only after the earth had been formed, after the day had been separated from the night, after the waters had been divided from the land, after vegetation and animal life had been created, and after man had been placed on the earth, was woman created; and only then was the work pronounced complete and good.

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more beautiful, none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth” (Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11)

that's you.

you owe it to God to honor his creation. 

right? right.
“Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears” (President Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, Nov. 1990, 47).

“God will hold us accountable if we neglect His daughters” (Ensign, Sept. 1988, 11).

ayley.

that's you.
except the "men" part.

don't make yourself cry. don't think less of yourself. don't neglect yourself.

also...

don't settle for anyone who will treat you with less than you deserve.

{but i feel like i don't deserve anything}

i recall a quote i heard once at a fireside:

"Young men that treat women with respect and admiration have no regrets–only rewards."

that's hard to expect respect and admiration when i can't even treat myself that way.

i always want to compare myself to others.

everyone else is so gorgeous and smart and creative.

moreso than i. 

man this entry is just quote central today.

here's another:
“For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”

- 2 Corinthians 10:12

man oh man.

we naturally want to compare.

it's how we decide our favorite colors, who to marry, what to eat for breakfast, etc.

comparing all our choices and picking the best one.

that's how we do things on Earth.

God does not compare like that.

God will only compare us to ourselves.

ayley,

you should only be comparing yourself to yourself.

be the best YOU can be.

have confidence.

you are a woman.

you are a child of God.

everyone fails. everyone feels ugly. everyone has down moments. 

God isn't going to compare me to anyone but me,

so why should i?

why should i focus on anyone else doing that to me either?

i want to uphold and reach the full measure of my creation.

big task,

but the first step is embracing it. 

i'm tired of hearing adam say that i have a poor view of myself.

gary go, i love you:

"we are all miracles wrapped up in chemicals. we are incredible. don't take it for granted. we are all miracles." {maybe go and watch that video because it is lovely}

i gotta look myself in the eye and say,

"i am wonderful".

hard.

i'm scared to make that first look at myself.

scared that i will back out of it when i see something i don't like.

frustrating.

hard. 

ayley...

yes it's HARD

but not impossible.

so do it already.

no regrets, only rewards... right?

right. 

{photo via papertissue}

dear mothers everywhere

i have a deep respect for you.

you have made incredible sacrifices,

physical, spiritual, and emotional,

to bring children into the world

who will then grow up to be people...

and there are over 6 billion of those.

crazy.

{i think motherhood is one of the most beautiful things in this world so get ready for lots of beautiful photographic documentations of that}

you have been blessed with an incredible power.
God has entrusted women with the responsibility of bringing souls into the world,
bringing his children to this Earth through you.
He has chosen you to be the carrier of His children for 9 months
and has blessed you with the power to care for them and raise them to live and flourish on this Earth.
this is such a sacred task.
i am so grateful to you, mothers.

many of you have died in an attempt to complete this task.
you have suffered great pain in bringing children to this world.
many of you have had irreparable harm done to your bodies.
many of you have not fully recovered from childbirth,
but you are all so beautiful.
every stretch mark and every "imperfection" that has befallen you once you become a mother is a sign of strength and beauty.
it is a sign of your sacrifice.
a sign that you offered your body to another human being and to God so that you might become a mother and bring a soul into this world.

so beautiful.

motherhood is a sacred mission.
it may not always seem that way.
i know i have been less than kind to my mother.
i have taken her for granted and i have been harsh.
at times i forgot how special and important she is in God's eyes.
at times your children might have made the same mistakes
and i am deeply sorry.
please forgive us.

mothers, you are so special and important to the mission here on Earth.
you have been patient and kind and sweet when things were hard.
you have woken up early countless mornings to send your children off to school.
you have woken up in the middle of the night to ease your baby's crying.

you have fed your infants with your own bodies and watched your body mold into a mother's.
you have cleaned up after your children when they were sick.
you have delivered forgotten homework to your child's school.
you have stayed up late finishing science projects.

you have hugged your children when they were upset,

dried their tears,

kissed their injuries,

told them everything would be alright,

kissed their foreheads,

read them stories,

brushed their hair,

bathed them,

held them,

loved them.

you have played such an important role in this life.

i regret ever having forgotten all the good things my mother has done for me.
mothers, you are amazing.
it doesn't matter how inadequate you feel sometimes
or how many times your child says "i hate you" and doesn't mean it
or how many times you may feel like you have failed...
you are amazing.
God knows how amazing you are.
God loves you.
God knows how special and important you are.

i'm terrified of being a mother
because i know how hard it is.
i know how much i will have to sacrifice
and how much it will hurt.
i know how much pressure there is and how much is expected of me.
i know how important it is.
i am scared i won't be able to do it...
but i am so excited to take on that challenge.
when i am ready i know it will be the most amazing thing in my life
and i can only hope to succeed as well as you have before me.

we can never repay you for the sacrifices you have made.
we are all eternally indebted to our mothers.
we can only honor you
and hope that we can make you feel a fraction of what we felt when you were holding us as children
and combing our hair
and reading us stories
and kissing our foreheads
and loving us
because there is nothing like a mother's love.

we can only express our gratitude
and our love for you, mothers.

so thank you.

cue cheesy quote time:


If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.  ~Lawrence Housman

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.  ~Sophia Loren


All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.  No man does.  That's his.  ~Oscar Wilde


{photos acquired via beautyineverything}

dear players of hide & seek

no, not the dakota fanning movie.

no, not the amaaaazing imogen heap song. {but you could listen to it while you read this and i might love you for it...}

the game.

you can even play it with just two people 

and the rules are easy.

one person hides and the other person seeks.

you count to whatever number {no peeking} while the other person hides. 

when you are done counting you shout "ready-or-not here-i-come" and seek your friend.

oh yeah. 

it. is. a. blast.

it's more fun to be the seeker.

it's easier to win.

when you're hiding you obviously don't want to be found,

or sometimes you do. depends.

you usually are anyways.

and it's pretty unexpected.

one thing i always disliked about hide & seek 

was the fact that i never got to decide how long the seeker counted, 

even if i was the one doing the counting.

if i was hiding i'd want it to be longer so i'd have time to run and decide the best hiding spot.

if i was seeking i'd want it to be shorter so i could get around to finding them as quick as possible. {i mean... i had a friend PURPOSELY trying to get lost! i HAD to find them, right? oh man, what a tragedy it would be if i didn't}

never 

would i get to decide the number the seeker counted to.

i wasn't making any decisions here.

just where to look or where to hide.

i guess it added to the unpredictability of the game for me.

i keep trying to find things now.

find my lost keys. find what i want to do with life. find my future husband. 

find confidence. find where i want to live. find friends. find peace. 

find myself in this big world.

there are things that have found me but i didn't have enough time to hide.

and i'm sure there are things that are still trying to find me.

i wish i was the one counting now.

please, little game... give me a break! let me count now.

i'm ready. really i am.

i don't have the patience or time to count to a million before finding you.

i don't want to wait until you're done counting for you to come find me

and i want enough time to hide if i have to.

i mean, come on.

let's leave this game for the kids.

i don't get to make any decisions here.

just where to look or where to hide.

i have tried counting...

but how long do i have to count before the game is over?

{photo courtesy of phantom-kitty}

dear Change...

i love you sometimes.
i love when you affect my hair, my room, my weight {for the better}.
i love when you make things better.

you help the world. make it go round.
you have saved lives.
you have saved marriages.
you have kept people out of jail.
kept people from making the same mistakes overandoverandover.

promises of you have saved relationships
promises of you helped obama win.
promises of you have created hope.

you make water turn to ice. summer turn to fall. boys turn into men. 

i liked you, Change. we had a good thing going.

i like having spare change jingling in my pockets. irrelevant.
i like when you make things (1)prettier (2)brighter (3)easier (4)lovelier (5)better.

Change, please note number five.

i like when you make things better.

i know we cannot avoid you.

i know you cannot control yourself. you just can't help it. 

i would suggest a lesson in self-control.

i can recommend a GREAT therapist who can help you with that, Mr. Change.

please stop coming around when the dust has settled and i can see things clearer.

please stop coming when i can finally breathe easier 

and when i have stopped crying every day 

and when i have just adjusted to your most recent smiting upon me.

listen to me, Change.

please stop walking in when i have attempted to barricade the door.

please stop calling when i have cut the phone line.

please stop appearing in my nightmares when i try to stay awake.

please stop sending me letters when i have nailed the mail slot shut.

please stop coming when i don't want you.

yes i am talking to you, Change. and only you.

i have purposely created this obstacle course for you to go through.

purposely built that brick wall.

purposely took my name out of the phone book.

purposely tried to keep you out 

because i like the way things are.

well, were.

i'm pleading with you, Change.

STOP. you've done enough.

stop taking things away from me. giving me things i don't want. picking me up and moving me somewhere i don't want to be. stealing from me. 

S  T  O  P

i know you feel like you can do whatever you want

but it hurts.

so just try.

please.

stick to rattling around in my piggy bank.

that's the only kind of change i like as of late.

dear music, this is why i love you

you let me take a ride in someone else's life for 4 minutes.

you let people sing words. SING WORDS.

you pull on my heartstrings as you pull on those viola strings.

you make me want to jump on my bed all night.

you make me press 'repeat' on my ipod.

you give me goosebumps.

you make me smile when no one else is around.

you make me arch my back and make me restless in my chair.

you make me want to kiss you.

you make me want to kiss a lover.

you make me want to kiss a girl {katy perry shout out. i'm just kidding, mom}

you make me want to scream.

you make me feel like the only person in the world,

you make it all disappear.

you make everything appear differently.

you make it possible to listen to emotions, let us flow along with someone's sadness and rise into someone's happiness.

you relax, ignite, and evoke.

you make us want to walk to a beat.

you fill me with so much emotion... and i have nowhere to put it

i can't give it back to you

you make drunk people even more hilarious when they sing you.

you make an old man tap his fingers on his cane.

you take me back to places i've been.

you are universal.

you are beautiful.

you mimic a heartbeat.

you mimic life.

you allow me to feel things that are not my own.

you give a new meaning to things.

you make me want to live.

you make me love life.

you make me fall in love with the world.

so dearest music,

i love you.

because you make me want to dance.