on this day {aprilthirdnineteeneightynine}...

it's officially my birthday
and i cannot stop crying.

i researched why people get depressed on their birthdays...
getting older,
evaluating their lives,
no gifts,
no family,
and so forth.

i am getting older. it happens.
i evaluate my life every day. no biggie.
my family is kind,
and they're around.

i can't figure out why...
but i have a few guesses.

1) i have a suppressed hatred for birthday cake and it's surfacing
2) birthday means lots of attention on me {which isn't my favorite thing...}
3) i don't appreciate myself {and other reasons in this lovely cocktail}

man.
that's a harsh feeling right there.
i can't hide it and i hate it.


seriously.
now i understand why they wish you a happy birthday. emphasis on that first word.

the one thing i strive for in life is happiness.
the ONE thing.
that is ALL i want.
however i achieve it... i just want to be truly, purely happy in my lifetime.

i find it hardest to do on this day.
how weird is that?

i'd like to wish for a happy birthday.
i just want that happy that i'm promised on this day.

gosh this is hard.