Heartbreak

it's just like they say.
feels like my heart is breaking
into a million tiny pieces.

just sitting in my chest, slowly cracking apart
and falling into the pit of my stomach.
and it hurts.
it's not just my heart.
it's everywhere.
it's in my arms, my legs, my neck, my fingers,
my labored breathing, my slumped shoulders, my sore eyes.

i have an agonizing lack of energy that is threatening to keep my legs paralyzed,
but it's just like they say...
i just want to keep busy.
i don't want to have time for Heartbreak.
if i keep moving, maybe it will stop my heart from peeling away.
maybe moving will force my heart to keep beating,
and it will say,
"we can't disintegrate now, she needs us. her legs need us. her lungs need us."
and i will be okay for a while.

i don't want even a moment to think.
i don't want to sit at stoplights. i don't want to wait in lines.
i don't want to watch television, read books, listen to music.
the moment i am still, i cannot breath.

the moment i am still,
i begin to cry.
Heartbreak doesn't allow me to cry as i ordinarily would.
i cannot breath in,
rather,
tears roll down my face as i heave outwards and clutch my chest,
making inhuman sounds and wanting to drop to my knees. 

it's just like they say.
i cannot listen to love songs.
i cannot listen to happy music.
i cannot watch romantic movies.
i cannot look at couples or happy families.
i cannot open my emails, texts, look at my call history.
i cannot look at anything that might remind me of my heartbreak,
or i feel the weight of a large piece of it hitting my stomach on its way down.

i do not care what i look like,
what i sound like.
this is not me.
this is Heartbreak.

i need to be exorcised, i think.

when trying to stay busy, i'll intermittently have thoughts about Heartbreak.
about how i can get rid of him.
i want to find something really sharp,
really, very sharp,
and ask someone to cut my chest open and remove him.
they can take my heart, too.
it's just like they say.

if anyone is interested, i think i might have a medical issue.
or somethin.
i need a check up.
it feels as though something with really sharp claws is digging into my abdomen really deeply and slowly dragging itself downward.
then other times i feel as though i'd like to scream but something has its hand over my mouth, rendering me silent.
sometimes i'd like to breath but it feels like something is standing on top of me, crushing me.
it's a problem i'd like fixed,
except i can't really see what it is that is doing it.
maybe a demon.
or a ghost.
we should ask a priest.
i'm concerned.

yes,
i feel like garbage.
worthless.
i feel heavy, mangled, and crooked.
i feel...
alone.


i think the worst thing about Heartbreak,
is that it's just like they say,
but words can only describe it to a certain dimension.

Heartbreak feels just as he sounds.
it's worse when it is broken slowly.
i'd rather have my heart smashed quickly,
like a bandaid.

not this time.

this time it was lifted up momentarily,
then peeled slowly and torturously,
until finally, when its keeper knew it couldn't stand itself,
left it to rot away on its own.

thank you, Heartbreak.
you really are as awful as they say...

and somehow much worse.