while our blood's still young {it's so young that it runs} we won't stop 'til it's over

my life has been so full
of things i don't want there.
just negative things.

and it's also been so empty.

i don't want it.

i've lost the sparkle in my eyes.
i fell for life into its traps
and now i wanna bridge the gaps.
{10 points for gryffindor if you recognize the song}


i am just tired.
i keep choreographing dances about being tired,
being in toxic environments.
i keep reading material that is about a person in similar situations.
i keep watching films about dysfunction.

yes, that is a complete reflection on my life.

i've been in toxic relationships lately.
people have said to me, and behind my back,
that they do not respect me.
that they think i'm selfish {which is the WORST thing you can say to me. if you really want to hurt me, there's your ticket}
people say i'm gone.
people say i'm lost.

it's hard to remember what i wanted to be when i grew up.
my environment has not been helping.
at all.
i'm surrounded by people and things that are not helping me see the light.

it is seriously hurting me.

i just have to let go.

so i woke up today
and started listening to william fitzsimmons
and logged on to this badboy right here.

i had a dream last night that i took a trip with my future husband
 and we brought my grandma along.
while we were there
at this house
there were tons of mirrors everywhere.
i constantly had to look at myself.

there were many doors and for some reason i couldn't remember which room was ours.
i stumbled into a room with an old man sitting on the floor
of an empty room
alone.
he welcomed me in,
began talking about his life,
giving me blessings,
telling me to let go.

i began to cry and he hugged me.
i didn't know him well, but i felt calm when he touched me.
he told me his name
and that he was sick.
he was going to die.
i began to weep uncontrollably,
but he comforted me and resumed talking about his life.
my grandmother came in to listen as well.
she has alzheimers, so she asked him to repeat things a lot.

he repeated two things to me several times:
all light does not originate solely around us.
live like you are eating.

i ran away to grab my husband and the rest of the people in the house.
he was amazing.
when i returned he was gone.
he had died.
no one believed that anyone had ever been in that room.
they said i was crazy.
i became very frustrated.
then i realized it didn't matter if they believed me.

then some random stuff happened involving a dog living at the house,
and i think that's when my subconscious thought it would give me a break.
{also i fell asleep listening to a police scanner broadcasting nypd stuff so maybe that has something to do with it}

i woke up just sobbing.
i wanted to slap myself.
out of nowhere i remembered my favorite book, written by one of the most amazing people to ever grace the planet.

the man was in a concentration camp, for crying out loud.
here are some brilliantly beautiful quotes from the book:

"There is also purpose in life which is almost barren of both creation and enjoyment and which admits of but one possibility of high moral behavior: namely, in man's attitude to his existence, an existence restricted by external forces."


"What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general, but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment."


"We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a value; and (3) by suffering."


"It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life - daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."


oh gosh, right?
i find his experiences so, so, so inspiring. 
he was taken from his home, his life, his family. 
everything.
put in one of the most horrific situations.
and he writes this??


wow.


what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is my problem?


here is one of the quotes that sticks with me strongest:


"Everything can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human freedoms - to choose
one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."


everything was taken from him.
he saw firsthand that you still have freedom, despite your environment.


what is stopping me from being the person i want?
really.... it's just me. 


mr. frankl didn't have respect from his captors. 
he had a ph.d. 
he was living with the love of his life. 
he had family, success, friends. 
then it was gone. 
why do i need to worry about what i am receiving from others?
respect? kindness? dignity?
no. 
i need to focus on the light.
i need to allow these things for others. 
i need to allow these things for myself.


to my dream,
the two things that were repeated...
i need to create my own light. 
i am light. 
i need to borrow the good light from others and make it my own. 
i need to take my own light and share it with the world. 
i need to constantly create that light that is inside of me. 
even if no one is shining it on me at the time. 
that doesn't matter. 


i need to devour life. 
i wouldn't eat garbage or rotten food. 
i only want things that are good for my body. 


good food makes me really happy.
and that's what it is about.


happiness. 


that is what all of this is about. 


moments of happiness.


like...
 caitlin noel maurer's wedding last week. 
 finding a random dog in the parking lot of the draper temple and carrying it around with me for a while. 
 snuggling up with my own dog.
 good hair days. 
 painting my nails to match my outfit. 
 listening to great Christmas music. 
 pulling into the driveway right as a song is ending.
 compliments.
 making paper chains and snowflakes by myself and hanging them up around the house.
 finding that i have more red glitter than any other color.
 watching tangled.
 old home movies. 
 happy workers while i'm shopping.
 randomly crying because i love Jesus so much {yep that happened}
 being able to laugh at the craptacular job i did trimming my own bangs.
 new babies.
 christmas lights.
 restoring bicycles.
 making headbands.
 knitting.
 hot chocolate.
 talking with old friends. 
 being inspired by the happiness of others.


there literally is NO reason i should not be happy. 
life is beautiful. 
so many things are beautiful. 
these things far outnumber the bad things. 
there is beauty in love,
family, 
friends,
flowers,
snow,
coincidences,
music,
art,
laughter...


just happiness.


happiness is beautiful. 
i want it. 
and it's mine for the taking.