wretch

{photocred unknown}

quite suddenly,
i'm finding myself underwater.

though,
i don't feel safe, pretty, floating, free.

i'm searching for the comfort of waves,
listening for the absence of sound while plunged under the surface.
hearing muffled voices,
but being unable to sort the syllables into words.

i'm finding myself swimming,
needing to plan when to breathe.

unless you decide to find cover in this ocean, too,
no one will ever know i am here.

i tried and tried and tried....
oh HOW i did try...
tried to stay above.
tried to stay where it was
warm,
dry,
soft.

tried until i could no more.
scratched at the sand until my fingers bled,
screamed until my face turned blue,
kicked until i could feel my legs no more.

this current pulled me.
it pulled me under
and far away.

it had to.
this,
i know.

the current was waiting for me,
waiting until i got close to the shore.
seeing my pale legs and freckled skin,
being so ready to drag me into this sea.

there is a gentle desperation
that i'm sure you could feel, too,
if you were to touch me.

if you listen hard enough,
you might be able to hear it in my voice.
you may just be able to taste it in the thick haze of my atmosphere.

i have not cried.
i'm not waiting for anyone to come.
i haven't shouted "help".

instead,
the lights will remain on while i sleep,
as if they will deflect the terrors i may face while my mind isn't looking.

my nights
will be filled with dark reflections of my efforts to stay on that beach,
knowing halfway through my wanderings that there was another force waiting out of sight.

my days
will be spent wandering
needing to plan when to breathe.

i will bandage my hands.
every step i take will be work.
i will have to turn a key to open my mouth...

but each moment i am struggling,
will be met by love when it's over.

something so passionate,
so violent,
so wild and blazing...
well,
it's crossed that metaphysical blur into my Now.
here it is,
that tangible piece of it all,
sitting on my nightstand
with a life of its own
perched and ready to take mine.

but here i am.

the sun still rises on me.
the world still has surfaces i have never seen nor touched.
i am alive.