Monday, February 15, 2010

testing...testing... onetwothree

this is a test.
a test to see if i can sit at the computer calmly and let my fingers work their fine motor magic
 instead of doing what i want them to do...

...which is balling them into a fist and smashing through fragile materials.

i have not ever wanted to destroy fine china more in my life.
all i want right now is to take all the plates out of my cupboards and run out into the street and smash them and scream  my lungs out,

because yesterday i was that piece of fragile glass sitting calmly on a shelf.

this is a kind of emotion that makes it extremely hard to sit still and vent through the soul
because all i want to do is use my body to vent and destroy
and hope to create peace for myself.

this is a kind of emotion that has moved past emotional pain and has slowly leaked into my physical being and is now trying to leak out of me and into my environment.

this is a kind of emotion that crying won't heal, that emotional release won't fix, and that cannot be held down long enough to be rocked back to sleep.

this is a test.

throughout typing this is have been crying and breathing heavily and wanting to take a machete to a flat screen and watch the smiling people on the screen blow up in the burst of electrical destruction i created. it is extremely hard to sit still. i find stillness one of the most beautiful things in life and this emotion is not allowing me to experience that.

i hate this test right now. hate is a strong word. yes, i used it.

this emotion is hate. i hate the powerlessness that i feel right now... hate the anger, the sadness, the lack of control, the fear, the crying, the heat, the fatigue, the inner turmoil.

but hey, ayley... you gotta test everything before you use it. you have to test to get into schools and test to get grades. you need tests for diseases, for loyalty, for trust, for functionality.

you need tests for accuracy and for security.

most of all we are tested for knowledge and surety.
i am testing my self control right now. i'm sitting down venting and trying to breathe deeply so that i know that i can resist the urge to be physically aggressive. i'm testing for the knowledge that i can make myself feel better without any environmental casualties.

this is a test.
so testing. testing...

is it working?

life is a test, ayley. we don't always know the answers. not everyone takes the same test. you can't always cheat off of someone else's paper. you've managed to type these words without smashing through the keyboard and your tears have almost dried.

you passed.
if you can pass your own tests then you can pass this one.
you are just being tested in much bigger way here.
this is no small test you are facing.
now to the harder questions...

you can do it.
good luck.
{photo via left wing star}

1 comment:

  1. i wish deeply that I had your way with words. what a beautiful disaster.


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