Sunday, August 23, 2009

time to pull out your scales, let's measure this

it's amazing how
e v e r y t h i n g 
can feel so heavy at some point
which is usually a bad thing.
heavy things require more strength to carry.
{which is why they always ask for big, strong people with muscles, testosterone, and penises to lift things}

never in my life have i wanted something to be heavy.

i love when things put pressure on me.
i love being squeezed with force.
i love when things take up a lot of space. big stuff.
but not when they're heavy.
after all . . . heavy = bad. 
heavy = you can't handle it if you're weak.

people say emotions are heavy. YES they can weigh on you. a great deal.
heavy + emotions = bad. right?

if you have ever done any kind of physical activity you know that the more you train/run/dance/lift, the more you can handle the next time around. 
therefore, my dear pupils...
if you are able to handle 10 lbs of weight you should be able to attempt 15 lbs. and after you can handle 15, you can move up to 20.

strength is not discriminating. 
if you can handle 20 lbs, you can handle 20 lbs.
20 lb bag o flour
dead 20 lb dog
20 lb child 
half a 40 lb bag of rice
you get the idea.
once you have that strength you can handle that 20 lbs.

when you gain weight, it's either good or bad.
you could be gaining muscle
or you could be gaining fat.
the number on the scale isn't going to tell you which it is 
{unless it's a body fat scale, but we're not getting into that}
it's about how you feel.
you feel heavier, but which is it?
how do you feel?

your emotional strength is not discriminating.
if you have the strength to handle a certain degree of emotion, you can handle the full spectrum.
20 min of a sad story before breaking down
10 min of name calling before you pull out the big guns
an hour of confident yet unreturned "hello"s around town to strangers before withdrawing
five people more beautiful than you walking past before you get jealous.
you have strength in your heart {hey, it's a muscle too}

my friends,

it has taken so much out of me to survive this past year.
so much strength.
and i feel now that i have the strength to handle a happiness that i have not ever felt before.
i didn't have the strength to feel it before.
i wasn't strong enough.
it took 15 months of sadness
5  months of confusion
3 months of pure anger
several hours a day of self loathing.
it weighed on me like a ton o bricks.
over the last few months i had felt so much lighter.

and now i feel heavier
but which is it? muscle or fat? good or bad?
how do i feel?
the strength i acquired from all that weight has allowed me to feel something incredible.
the weight of happiness.
pure happiness is not light.
it does not make you feel like you're going to float away.
it's a feeling that fills you all the way up to the top.
and weighs you down.
it grounds you.
this happiness is so full and heavy.
and i'm so glad i have the strength to carry it.
because it is mine.
and i am finally strong enough to do it myself.


  1. holy. My heart aches for you.

  2. that post was amazing sister! jeez. you are right on sooo many levels. i loved it. i loved how you said your heart takes training, becaise i have never ever thought of that before, but it makes 100 percent sense. you are fancy.


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